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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 13/07/2011 14:46

YANBU but for me it would just save me a headache not to do it and so I wouldn't.

But that is just me. If you want to then why not? As long as you know there is definitely nothing more than friendship, which is what it sounds like, it shouldn't be an issue.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 14:48

Rhubs, you are right. i am withdrawing from this thread now. however, I am pretty upset at an accusation of trolling. from someone who clearly doesnt understand what trolling is.

robingood19 · 13/07/2011 14:51

clothes, I must be frank;you are on dodgy territory.

LDNmummy · 13/07/2011 14:51

Actually, saying that, my DH has a very close female friend and other general female friends. I would have no issue with the former as they really are just very close friends and have been for years without anything happening between them.

The other female friends do not share that relationship with him and there may be one or two whom he has had fling or something with and I wouldn't be happy with them staying over while I was away.

I think that works both ways for our relationship as it has never been an issue before when I spend time alone with my very close male friend but I have been more aware he may not like it if it were one of my more general male friends IYSWIM.

Pendeen · 13/07/2011 14:53

MotherOfAllDragons

The point is not how you would feel, or how the OP feels (or eveh how I would feel) it's what her DH feels about the situation.

It is very likely that his real concern is with the longer - in fact much longer - relationship with another man, whatever the strength of trust between, or depth of feelings for, the OP and logic does not come into it.

melika · 13/07/2011 15:09

YABU

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 15:14

The OP is putting her hubby in a very difficult position and personally I wouldn't want my DH to put me in that position, nor me him. Trust & Respect is a 2 way street and marriage does involve some sacrifice and compromise. If you aren't prepared to make reasonable adjustments to how you would behave if single then I strongly suggest you don't get married.

Why having that stance towards the question asked has brought about such a vitriolic response from some people is beyond me.

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 15:37

Er, he's putting her in a very difficult position. What's she supposed to say to her old friend of forever?

Reasonable adjustments seem to be 'conform and obey'.

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 15:47

Motherofalldragons - get back here now -

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 15:49

Err no, its not him thats asked her if an old female friend can sleep over for a few days while she's away.

Conform and obey has sod all to do with anything.

flyingspaghettimonster · 13/07/2011 15:54

Only you know how you feel about your friend, your husband can never be in your head so his worries are fair enough. I wouldn't dream of having a male stay with me without my husband there, and would be mad with jealousy if he had a female over without me around, unless one of my few trusted ones. But everyone has different tolerances and limits. I think if he has asked you not to do it, you should respect his feelings.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 16:05

motherinferior, spot on yet again.

kamarastar · 13/07/2011 16:09

IMO there isn't any real issue with OP and her long term friend in need. It is an issue between her and her DH that only they can sort out. Clearly around trust - don't know why... Things are never black and white. She has no real need to prioritise his feelings above her own. Just one of them has to compromise - easier said than done and that it's totally between them as a grown-up couple in a relationship!

kamarastar · 13/07/2011 16:10

excuse mad punctuation! Long day.

begonyabampot · 13/07/2011 16:13

I'd say the friend is the one putting people in a difficult situation. He is single and has to worry about no-one. Wonder what his reaction would have been to his ex having some male friend round to stay while he was away.

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 16:20

What she says to her old friend of forever is this - 'you know I'd love to have you stay over but DP isn't overly keen ( what with him being away )' explain the situation sensitively and reach a compromise - if he's a half decent friend he'll understand and wouldn't dream of imposing. I certainly wouldn't. What is this - a friendship/relationship or a battle of wills?

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 16:22

Xposts - I've agreed with everything you've posted Begony

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 16:26

The OP stated (about a hundred years ago when this thread began Smile) that she would be fine about her DH's close female friends staying over. It sounds to me not so much a battle of wills as an issue of double standards and hypocrisy on her DH's part.

JeffTracy · 13/07/2011 16:26

I think your response to your DH was over the top, but in the circumstances he needs to back down and not worry about it. After all, if you wanted to "do something" with your male friend you would have had many opportunities over the years. You deserve DH's trust.

motherinferior · 13/07/2011 16:47

But surely that will involve her saying something, the way you do, about 'look, he is being a suspicious prat' and that will suddenly Open their Eyes to the Possiblities of Lust? And/or lead to one of those Emotional Affairs people seem to have all the time?

Or do the rules of matrimony involve being very tactful about one's husband all the time? (I wouldn't know, given that I have repeatedly declined my partner's kindly offers of matrimony, and when he is being a prat I tend to say so.)

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 16:54

Carmina, Grin I'm back, couldn't stay away. I suppose it all depends on what your personal boundaries are. I don't see my oldest and best friend as a man tbh. We grew up together and he is just who he is. I am just a bit Hmm at the notion that the only thing between you and infidelity is opportunity.

And luvvin, I would like an apology for accusing me of trolling please.

kamarastar · 13/07/2011 16:55

motherinferior: PMSL Wink

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 17:11

motherinferior, there is something about this thread that makes one come over all Unnecessary Yet Very Significant Initial-Capping, isn't there? I love the phrase 'the Possibilities of Lust' particularly.

MrMan · 13/07/2011 18:41

Um, just wanted to offer a little male perspective on a tough question.

I know guys who would have no issue with this. I also know guys who would have serious issues. So I think opinion would be divided for men as well.

Let me say I love DW with all my heart. I am also not the person to set boundaries and rules for her. If you suggested to her that I was controlling I do think she would laugh pretty hard.

However... I do think some of the posters do have a point about deep instincts. Our house it is not just a structure, it is a home that we have worked hard to create. It is where we share most of our closest and most private times. It is the one place in the world I know we can withdraw from everyone else.

If DW wanted to have a man stay over, and I was uncertain of him, I have to admit I would be deeply unsettled. I would never tell her not to. However I think I would be secretly hoping that DW picked up on this and volunteer to change plans.

Perhaps it's irrational and insecure. But sometimes we need reassurance, even if we not being logical. I am not perfect and once in a while (NOT frequently) I appreciate DW letting me know I always come first. I try to do the same for her.

Hope this helps. Please ignore if it doesn't.

NestaFiesta · 13/07/2011 19:12

MrMan- what a lovely post.