AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

But we don't, Carmina. That's possibly why our relationship works. I wouldn't have married my dh if I was finding myself going a bit wibbly at the sight of other men. I can't even think of anyone in TV/films who I fancy .

Agree with ladyclarice. I wouldn't act on it. I might find other men attractive but I wouldn't act on it. And if I were to, nothing dh could do would stop me.

i might be Ok with husband having a female friend stay over and he same with me - i just don't recall it happening and it would depend on different things depending on the 'friend' and how our relationship was at the time etc. I just don't see that there is a right or wrong answer here - some people are comfortable with it and some are not - is it a competition?

And I don't think we can be certain of anything in life, have our spouses been faithful, do they fancy some of their friends, do our friends ever or fancy us, would we find ourselves reacting differently to what we thought, will we always be together? Being human with weaknesses and strengths and all that!

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

Yes

Really? - in 26 years you've never looked at another man and thought 'Mmm - he's nice' - happens to me about 3 times a week ( I've never done anything with another man in the 20 years we've been together - and I've had plenty of opportunity - but you can never be 100% certain of anything can you - no one can )

Begon, I see what you mean. It is easy for us to answer from our own circs. I don't get why some people would be uncomfortable, but for me, the notion that you shouldn't have close friends of the opposite sex once married is ridiculous. And I'd be pretty offended if dh felt that way.

Luvvin, are you even making a point?

Carmina, exactly. Someone who will be unfaithful will cheat. You may as well ban business trips. Lunches. Outings to the pub... After all, you can never be sure.

You take responsibility for your own actions though. And exercise self restraint.

of course there is no reason why you can't continue to have close friends from the opposite sex once you are married or in a relationship, but I can understand why some partners might not feel that great about this. Thing is the OP still sees her friend, that is not the problem - i just don't think her husband is being unreasonable for not liking the idea or feeling uncomfortable with him staying over when he is not there (especially as they don't really click).

Apart from ignoring your aggressive behaviour Mother yes, I am.

You have again altered the goal posts. Who on earth said anything about not having close friends of the opposite sex ?

Having close friends of the opposite sex sleeping over when your partner is away is the discussion.

clothesoverbros

Because if you have known your male friend for 4 times as long as you have known your DH, there is your reason why DH is feeling uncomfortable about the situation.

Pendeean why? I have known my (male) bf since we were 2. We were at nursery together, why should dh feel threatened by that? I don't get it.

And luvvin, grown ups are talking now.

luvvin, on 'not having close friends of the opposite sex', I refer you to Carmina's post from upthread: Tbh - I think there's something a bit weird keeping a male friend on the go for 20 years. She sees him regularly and chats via email often? I don't know a single relationship where either partner would find that acceptable and ok . I honestly find it hard to believe it actually goes on.

At least you tried to justify Mothers incorrect assessment of the arguement LadyC, albeit cherrypicking on one comment, whereas Mother, in her usual aggressive manner, ignored her own incorrect assessment completely.

Just in case it was lost in comprehension translation

Its not about having close friends of the opposite sex, its about having close friends of the opposite sex sleeping over when your partner is away.

Carmina, can you understand the difference between seeing a good looking bloke and thinking "he's attractive" and actually being sexually attracted to him?

I can think a woman is very attractive without fancying her, so why not a man?
I have not been sexually attracted to another man since I was 16 years old ( I'm now 45) which was the age at which me and DH got together - that's not to say I've never found other men attractive, of course I have, I have eyes!

This isn't just a male/female issue either - there's just as much jealousy, insecurity, and 'hands off she's/he's mine' in homosexual relationships - this is a 'human' issue.

Any good relationship will be based on more than trusting your partner not to sleep with your best mate - and as every single relationship is unique ( with different levels of what's 'acceptable' ) threads like this will just go around in circles.

luvvin, thank you, but I don't have comprehension problems. What I meant was that, while you may be focusing on the OP's question of close friends of the opposite sex sleeping over when your partner is away, some earlier posts, including the one I quoted, questioned the very concept of having opposite-sex friends.

Oh, and if I namechanged to conceal anything I would not have announced it.

Mal - I'm a very trust worthy person - but I can't say 100% that if the opportunity presented itself to me, and the mood was completely right -( and if I knew dh would never find out! ) I'm not sure I wouldn't snog this friend of mine. I'd feel guilty - but I'd put it to the back of my mind and get on with life. There are worse things I could do.

oh, and apart from the "fuck the fuck off" (which was a response to an accusation of trolling) where have I been aggressive?

carmina, fair enough, but not everyone feels like that. I do find your attitude to male/female friendships odd though, and think you may be missing out on valuable support and advice.

are you accusing me of trolling? still? really?

This has got to be one of the worst examples of Mumsnet. You really are doing this site and yourselves no favours at all.

It's like watching women brawling in the street.