AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

luvvin- I don't see any aggression in YOUR post but I have seen quite a bit on here.

I'm quite glad I don't have the 'strong feeling' that would mean that DP and I couldn't have opposite-sex friends to stay over. I can honestly say my marriage has not been impeded by the lack of opp sex friends staying over in DH's/my absence. In 6 years the situation has never arisen. This does not make me sad.

& this does come down to male ego and pride - if you start chipping away at that and think those qualities have no place in a modern partnership then you're the deluded ones.

Hahahahahaha all these poor men and their ball breaking wives/girlfriends

You really don't understand do you Mother...its fuck all to do with trust.

I find that on mumsnet fora many women divide people into "cheaters" and "completely trustworthy saints who would never try it on with someone they fancy if in a relationship".
In my experience most people, myself included fall in between these extremes, which is why many of us, although we generally trust our partners, would not be happy leaving them alone overnight with someone of the opposite sex that we know they like and emotionally confide in.

I seem to have walked into a playground spat. I do apologise. Shame the OP isn't now getting the good advice she needs because of some children fighting each other.

We all have different opinions and it takes the bigger person to agree to disagree.

Of course it is. What else is the issue? Its not trusting your partner to not prefer the company of someone else. Its not trusting them to remain faithful. Not trusting your partner to stop someone usurping you. If its not trust, what is it about?

Personally I think the most childish element of this thread is the notion of dividing everything by gender, so that it's considered suspicious if men 'seek out' the company of women as friends and vice versa, and two adults who have been friends for a long time and want to support each other must be physically separated, like girl and boy dorms on a school trip.

For me it's not about trust in any way shape or form, I thought I'd explained that?

If you explain something that doesn't fit into pre concieved thoughts then it gets ignored Mal. Nothing must stand in the way of the agenda.

does anyone actually totally trust their partner 100% and should they - isn't that a bit smug and dangerous?

I trust my husband, he travels often to places Bangkok and China where there will be women and pros hitting on him left, right and centre. I've left him at home where we had an employee living with us who was younger and had a much hotter body than mine. He goes off on holiday with his mates again to places where if he wanted he could screw to his hearts content.

I won't stop him and hope that he stays faithful but it does cross my mind that he might, or that he has looked at our employee and sized her up and might daydream about her and find her attractive.

Does that make me insecure, lacking in trust and pathetic that I wonder about these things?

I think those who are so blase about the OP's friend staying over and have so many close male friends without their husband ever wondering are way in the minority and should be thankful that they have such and open, trusting relationship, perhaps they should council or write a book to mentor all those who have at times struggled, felt insecure or just don't have that kind of relationship. Lots of people don't have very close friends of the opposite sex that they would class as equal or closer than those of the same sex, especially when in a relationship or married - why are some folk acting as if that is the norm and those who don't are weird, strange and uptight and living in the 18th century?

I have one close male friend who I went off on trips with etc - and their was some sexual tension there we had to deal with before we could get our friendship back on track ( I had to deal with his feelings for me). I think many men would sleep with their female friends if given the opportunity (not all of course - many friendships will be completely platonic but quite a few) - how do you know they wouldn't and haven't thought about you in this way?

What agenda??

Going by those responses I'm not surprised the divorce rate is so high. Its not about opportunity or thinking your partner will cheat, its about respect. Even if your partner didn't mention any concerns you'd be naive to think the thought hadn't crossed their mind,and therefore their feelings should outweigh anything else, otherwise you shouldn't be married to them. This cake and eat it society really does piss me off.

This liberal, bohemian couple are celebrating 10 years happily married soon and we don't plan on quitting soon . Your presumption that because we don't hold out-dated and frankly ludicrous views on the 'appropriateness' or otherwise of opposite sex friendships, we don't have respect for one another, is offensive .

Begonya, I do trust my DH 100%, but it's not blind trust, trust and respect have to be earned imho.

He's shown himself to be absolutely honest and trustworthy over the course of almost 30 years. If a person is going to cheat, they can do it with the next door neighbour, they don't have to travel to the other side of the world to do it.

Oh dear...I had so much respect for MotherInferior and thought she spoke so much sense...right up until admitting she would have turned down David Tennant when shattered with a newborn I am so disappointed...

Right. I took the unusual (for me) step of discussing this thread with DH last night. He agreed that were any of smallish handful of my (specific, named in conversation but not here, natch) male friends who pre-date our relationship to be in this situation (nasty breakup, utterly miserable etc), then he would be a) quite happy for them to come and stay for the weekend and b) would much prefer not to be around at the same time.

We also agreed that them staying in the spare room, watching crap tv and drinking wine at night with me and helping look after the kids during the day would be entirely normal.

So there. Na-na-na-na-na. Or something :)

2rebecca - yes - I agree.

I could never say 100% that if I had a male friend staying overnight ( and if I fancied him a bit ) I wouldn't end up snogging him on the sofa - who knows what could happen after a couple of bottles of wine? ( this lovely friend who needs consoling ) people are human and impulsive - we're not robots.
And that's the whole point - you just never know where things lead.

Tbh, Just thinking about this, I don't trust dh 100%. I know that there is always a chance he will cheat on me. But
, I can't stop that. I can't stop him from behaving a certain way, and I shouldn't alter myself to try to. And I suppose he feels the same way. His place in our home is secure.

Apologies for grammar. Joints are v swollen,m

who knows what could happen after a couple of bottles of wine?
And that's the whole point - you just never know where things lead.

No, the point is that I do know. There are no circumstances (and we are people who like a beer) where dh or I would betray our marriage vows by snogging an old, upset friend. We are in control of our actions, not some strange conjunction of fates which dictate we must, given the right circumstances, be unfaithful .

If we're continuing to talk about old-fashioned notions, here's another one; self restraint

Funtime, exactly.

helps if the friend is butt ugly with halitosis of course!

No you don't know - because unless you and your partner have had your bodies amended in some way - microchipped or something, so you only respond sexually to each other ( our cat and his cat flap are microchipped - it only allows him in and out) then you are still capable of finding other people sexually attractive -

Thanks Funtime. Was trying to think of how to express myself along those lines but you've done it much better.

Continuing with the 'old-fashioned' theme, begon's earlier post has just registered with me ? begon, I'm not saying people who think it's unseemly for a male friend to stay the night live in the eighteenth century, but it was suggested to me upthread that I might want to 'read up on how 'polite' society conducted itself' in Jane Austen's time ...

Carmina is at least being sensible, if she recognises her weaknesses, she can avoid situations such as the one she has suggested.
It's the people in the middle, who think they could handle it, who are in danger.
I know how I would behave ( and how DH would ) in any given situation, funtime knows, some people don't.

Carmina, yes, I do know, if I don't after 26 years of marriage, there's something wrong, and, as it happens, I've never, ever been attracted to any other man than my DH.
HTH.

Being capable of finding others sexually attractive is not the same as acting on it.
Sorry for stating the blindingly obvious.