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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:02

Even if your partner didn't mention any concerns you'd be naive to think the thought hadn't crossed their mind,and therefore their feelings should outweigh anything else, otherwise you shouldn't be married to them.

What? So your partner worries that you will cheat on them, and you pander to that? What about the other persons feelings? What about the hurt at lack of trust? Divorce rates are high because of infidelity (which will happen if its going to) and abuse. You know, controlling the other party. Oh, and not being compatible.

NestaFiesta · 13/07/2011 12:04

Insecurity is the problem of the person afflicted and it shouldn't, imo, be pandered to If you knew why my DH was insecure, you wouldn't dismiss it so lightly. Yes he is insecure and he has nothing to worry about from me, but why cause him distress when it can be avoided? He is someone I love, not The Enemy of Friendship. If you are a secure person, you are lucky, well done. But some of us have had to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because of our past and I don't think insecurity should be batted away as some kind of silly petulance.

I just think that there are lots of ways OP can be a good friend to her male friend but it doesn't need to involve an overnight stay in her husband's absence if it upsets him. Her DH is NOT saying she can't see him, she can't speak to him, she can't comfort him, she can't be friends with him. He is just saying that having him stay over in his absence makes him feel uncomfortable.

Also, I really don't think this IS about sexual urges and the imagined or potential urge for sex whenever an opportunity presents itself. I really don't think that the OP's DH fears the "act of sex" taking place- so can we stop with the hysteria about WSU?

It's about a wife sharing private intimate moments with another bloke in the home she shares with her DH whilst he is not there. Lots of people wouldn't like that. Doesn't make us uptight freaks.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 12:06

You can take the "hurt at lack of trust" argument to the 'nth degree.

People are people, not PC automatons, and 99.99999% of people would feel uncomfortable about their partner having a friend of the opposite sex stay over for a few days in their house while they themselves were away.

We are human...deal with it.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:06

'private intimate moments'?
No, nothing prurient about thinking of friendship in those terms. Hmm

What IS this territorial-pissings stuff about the sanctity of the shared marital home?

ShoutyHamster · 13/07/2011 12:07

He doesn't want the friend to come around when he is there to keep a beady eye because he doesn't click with him and can't be arsed to be polite enough to either pretend or make a go of getting to know him.

But he also doesn't want OP to invite him around when he is away (so he won't have to put up with him) because he isn't happy about the possibility that they might shag (despite saying he trusts OP and knowing that if they wanted to shag they would have done so by now).

OP, maybe you should present him with those two facts and ask him to suggest what you COULD do to keep Mr. Insecure But Also Quite Rude happy. Short of ditching your oldest friend, which would make your husband a tosser?

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 12:09

Yes - it's this 'no one tells me what to do' attitude that baffles me.
What's wrong with your partner -( the very person you're supposed to put above all others) telling you he's not happy with something?
If you want to be a tough, independent, free spirited women - great - just stay single, or shack up with someone who shares your bohemian values. And whenever anyone says - 'oh we're just good friends' you can hear the whole world rolling it's eyes - it's the oldest cliche in the book.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:11

I understand all that, but if dh were to feel uncomfortable I would see that as something he has to deal with. I have had huge amounts of therapy myself, but I can't imagine not fully trusting my dh. And if I did have a problem with any of his friends staying over I would look at myself first.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:14

I seem to have wandered into the Daily Mail by mistake.

'shack up'?
'bohemian values'? (what are they when they're at home anyway??)

Er, that'd be me and my partner of thirteen loyal, monogamous, happy, mutually respectful years you'd be referring to in such laughable yet simultaneously offensive terms.

I'd debate the 'oldest cliche in the book' title. Personally I'd submit 'men and women can't be just friends because there is always unresolved sexual tension' as Number One.

NestaFiesta · 13/07/2011 12:14

What IS this territorial-pissings stuff about the sanctity of the shared marital home?

Can't you accept that some people wouldn't like it without reducing DHs to animals that piss on their territory? I accept that many couples would be fine with this. I don't attack them and use animalistic language to describe my view of their behaviour. You wouldn't mind an opposite sex friend staying over in your absence? fine by me. This is a debate not a personal affront to you.

Malificence · 13/07/2011 12:14

"What IS this territorial-pissings stuff about the sanctity of the shared marital home"

If you really don't understand what we mean, then I can't explain it to you, it's a deep rooted, incredibly strong feeling.

Nesta has got it spot on.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:16

Luvvin, why the aggression?

Carmina, its possible to be independent while being married. Dh will never tell me what to do. Nor will I tell him what to do. We are together because we want to be, if either of us changes our mind then so be it. We have no obligations to each other.

TheRhubarb · 13/07/2011 12:19

I can see both points of view and realise I'm late into this debate but for what it's worth here goes:

I have platonic friendships with a number of men too, one in particular who is one of my best friends and is held in high regard by both dh and I. Dh wouldn't have a problem with him staying over if he were not there because he trusts me, but I know that he wouldn't necessarily trust him.

Now the OP knows this man well but her dh less so. So whilst her dh may trust his wife, he may be unsure about this man and therefore feel uncomfortable about this man staying over when he is not there. Also because his kids are there and as I said, he doesn't know that man very well.

Now turn it around OP and think about what if your dh had his woman friend over whilst you were away? You may have met her and know her but not 'know' her very well. Would you be happy to allow her to stay over in your house with your dh and kids?

Of course you should be able to do what the hell you want, but this isn't about feminism it's about compromise and respecting the other person's feelings. His feelings are just as valid as yours on this issue.

I understand platonic friendships fully but that isn't to say that I would be happy if my own dh had a female friend round to stay whilst I wasn't there and I would not put him in that position by having my friend over. It's a little insensitive on your partner. If there is a compromise then take the compromise. But don't get all stubborn about your rights, you are not a single person now but a married mum and you need to act as part of a team.

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 12:19

Thats funny Mother.....and quite revealing

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 12:20

Absolutely - reducing a mans genuine concerns to that of a cat or dog 'pissing on his territory' explains why a lot of women end up single.

Malificence · 13/07/2011 12:20

Gawd, I tell DH what to do all the time. Grin

ShoutyHamster · 13/07/2011 12:20

Chortle into my chestwiggery, for the Act Of Sex is Nigh! Grin

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:22

Are you talking to me luvvin?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:23

luvvin ... Ooooh, is there a 'handbags' emoticon?

I considered retracting my use of 'animalistic language' but, on reflection, no, I'm happy with it. It strikes me as a very apt way of talking metaphorically about 'territorial' men.

I'm quite glad I don't have the 'strong feeling' that would mean that DP and I couldn't have opposite-sex friends to stay over.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:24

Carmina and behaving like a suspicious spoilt child explains why a lot of men end up single.

Rhubs, good point. Although the ops dh hasn't made the effort to get to know the friend

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:26

'end up single'. The direst of all dire fates.

Grin Hamster

luvvinlife · 13/07/2011 12:26

You can take the "hurt at lack of trust" argument to the 'nth degree.

People are people, not PC automatons, and 99.99999% of people would feel uncomfortable about their partner having a friend of the opposite sex stay over for a few days in their house while they themselves were away.

We are human...deal with it.

Carminagetsprimal · 13/07/2011 12:29

& this does come down to male ego and pride - if you start chipping away at that and think those qualities have no place in a modern partnership then you're the deluded ones.

Malificence · 13/07/2011 12:29

I'm quite glad I have a husband who would never tell me to "get over myself" and just go ahead and do whatever he pleased if I had any concerns, no matter how seemingly irrational.

MotherofallDragons · 13/07/2011 12:30

99.9999% of statistics are made up!

I'd rather be single than with someone who didn't trust me when alone in a building with a man overnight.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 12:31

I have pride and an ego too. They're not just male traits. Relationships are about, among other things, each partner reconciling their ego and pride with respect for the other.

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