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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

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sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 10:57

We got married last year....and although it was supposedly "OUR DAY" (very selfish term I think) we wanted all our guests to be happy and comfortable (we were also hosts for the day...let's not forget).

We made a point of NOT splitting any couples up (either married or otherwise).

As for the top table...it was highly unconventional....
We had us, my parents, best man and his new-ish girlfriend, hubs mother...and his sister and her family all on the top table.
Why? because his mother was very recently bereaved and we wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible on what would have been a very difficult day for not just her...but also her children.

And THAT was the right thing to do....I stand by it!

People are ALWAYS more important than any etiquette rules!

eurochick · 10/07/2011 11:00

It is the bride and groom's day and you need to go along with whatever they have decided without "kicking off".

FWIW, we had my husband's step mother on the table with us at our wedding (I won't call it top table because it was a round table and the wedding was quite informal so we didn't have a wedding party with best man, maid of honour, etc). We did this after checking that his mother was OK with at.

At his brother's wedding, a couple of years earlier, the step mother was not on the top table but sat with us instead. That was the second occasion on which his parents had met in 20 yrs and no one was sure how it would go. It was all fine and we decided that for ours we would like the SM there IF THE MOTHER WAS OK WITH IT AND BECAUSE IT WAS WHAT WE WANTED.

Incidentally, the SM was great at both weddings - making sure she "went missing" for some of the family line ups - so my husband's mother could have photos without her in- and generally making sure she did nothing to upstage the mothers.

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:01

Basically weddings often mean that the married couple closest to the bride and the group will be split up throughout the entire meal

Well that's crap! and you can see by the above comment that I practice what I preach.

Any considerate hosts will NOT split up married couples...especially those closest to them. Hubs and I are going to a wedding in a couple of weeks. He is best man....but we are being sat together (at his request).

No problem at all.....

I don't see why people can't just ask the couple to be seated together. If a couple are so rude or lacking feeling that they split couples up then they should make adjustments to seat couples together when requested. It really should be no biggie!

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:03

I think it boils down to couples thinking how they would feel in the same situation...

I am sure most couples would rather sit next to/with their partners...so why not oblige?

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 11:05

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slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 11:06

and no to be honest I would be happy not to sit with my husband at a social event- we are not joined at the hip for ffs and are both quite capable of talking to other people

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:09

I think that if you can't ask your best friend a small request (and by the way...this is the same couple who sat at our top table) then what sort of best friend are they?

you sound like the guests from hell!! Ever so slightly exteme comment!

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 11:11

Thank you very much Gertie and Animation for your kind words. I will take your advice and as I have already said if anyone is kicking off it will not be me - wouldnt dream of it. And Viva - I can see why you and others have taken issue with my 'kicking off' statement but as I have explained I did not mean at the wedding or at the bride and groom. I meant at home to my DH and only if and when he came home and told me I was right at the back miles away from my g/kids etc and other family members and right at the back next to the fire exit for example. It is him that holds (or held - he's softened since our talk) the view that I should automatically be with him etc etc.

BTW - sorry to blow yet another theory out of the water by whoever said that - but yes I do have children 3 of them and 4 grandchildren of my own. Sorry and all that. Must go - got to search for where I have said that I must sit next to my DH at all times - yes you are right that would be pathetic whoever said that - nearly as pathetic as giving yourself complete artistic licence on somebodys character and then justifying it by claiming its an actual quote from them. I have actually said we go on separate and joint nights out/holidays etc But why let truth get in the way of a good story eh ?

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GiddyPickle · 10/07/2011 11:11

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slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 11:14

I for one am very relieved that you do not intend to kick off at the wedding [hgrin]

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:17

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sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:21

I would imagine that most wedding venues would allow couples to have as large a top table as they wanted (after all, the couple are paying LOTS of money to have their wedding/reception at that venue) and to have a choice of options.

Our Top Table was 10....not exorbitant I think.

Other close partners and their families were seated at tables closest to the top table...and were happy to be sat together.

Sod traditions and etiquette....people's feelings come first in my book!

Animation · 10/07/2011 11:21

"I can see why you and others have taken issue with my 'kicking off' statement but as I have explained I did not mean at the wedding or at the bride and groom. I meant at home to my DH and only if and when he came home and told me I was right at the back miles away from my g/kids etc and other family members and right at the back next to the fire exit for example. It is him that holds (or held - he's softened since our talk) the view that I should automatically be with him etc etc."

Yes I think he has been putting his own negativity on you - and knowingly or unknowingly winding you up with it all. Like he wants you to get worried and indignant even.

Tell him that you're cool, and that HE'S the one that needs to relax!

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 11:23

Yes Sausages - ever so slightly extreme - its up there with 'kick off' -thats a 'vile' phrase apparently. Confused Even though its been explained till I'm blue in the face that I didnt mean at the wedding and am not like that. While we're in this surreal exaggeration zone - maybe we should make not reading a thread properly or at all - totally unforgiveable and punishable by firing squad Grin

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lurkerspeaks · 10/07/2011 11:25

I was told this recently about an acquintances wedding recently. You might do well to bear it in mind.

"His stepmother was fab, she kept out of the way and made sure she was welcome before getting involved in any of the photographs".

This is about the bride and groom NOT your relationship with your husband. Married couples are separated all the time at weddings - even if you were seated at the top table etiquette would dictate that that would be far apart.....

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:27

LOL why not....

I really don't see why it's SO DIFFICULT or such a big issue for couples to ensure that their guests are happy. I'm not missing anything...it really wasn't difficult for us at all!

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 11:34

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 10/07/2011 11:37

It'll all be fine, you'll have a lovely day :) You have to come back and tell us about it though!

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 11:43

thank you Sausages - at last a LOL Grin Grin you know what slays me is the number of times I have been told to chill/get over myself on this thread Confused Grin .

Slovenly - your 'I for one....' statement also made me LOL - very funny.

Shall we go for a ROFL and to hell with it.

Disclaimer - the expression ROFL is not in any way a reference to a wedding brawl /wild west roll on the floor type of affair.

..............................................................................................................................

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Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 11:46

thank you Gwen - I will - hopefully not on Her Majestys special headed notepaper Grin

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honeyandsalt · 10/07/2011 11:48

Man but people do get crazy about weddings eh?

manmn52 - sounds like your husband is just being defensive of you, which is sweet. You're being very generous and I'm sure your SS will honour this in his speech, and it's great you've already managed to get your DH to simmer down a little. He doesn't sound like the most tactful though, and there are obv sensitivities between him and his son. Personally I'd do what women have been doing since time immemorial, and bypass the men. Take the bride out for lunch, have a good girly chat and a laugh about all the silliness and stress around weddings, and say something like "DH is worried I'll be sat at the back of the room! I know we won't be together, but isn't it silly!" She'll reassure you'll be near the front, problem solved. Or whatever way you want to approach it, but basically I think you should sort it with the bride now.

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:49

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sausagesandmarmelade · 10/07/2011 11:52

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squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 11:54

Sitting down for the meal is a part of the whole day, not the entire thing. Guests are meant to chat to each other and mingle, not just talk to and sit with the person they spend 24/7 with anyway... it really isnt a big thing not to be sat with your other half for a couple of hours..

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 12:00

Thanks Honey - yes you are right - he is defending me. I would be mortified if my ss did mention any generosity. I wouldnt mind being thanked for helping with kids etc but no biggie - I know he always appreciates everything I do - he is a lovely polite lad. My DH though as someone said it is almost like he wants me to be annoyed and speak up for myself etc because he feels I'm being marginalised by a certain party. He is always saying I dont speak up for myself for example.

If only he could see me now Grin

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