to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

[madmn52]

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

If it's a case that your step-son doesn't like you it might be best not to go.

Ok, you're cool with everything, your DH is happier with you and your DSS considers you his DCs nana - so I don't really see what the problem is, other than not knowing in advance where you are going to park your arse for a couple of hours.

Tell your DH you're fine and can fight your own battles, if there was a battle worth fighting. Tell the couple that you're at their disposal: looking after children, hosting a table etc so they are clear that you wish to be an asset to the wedding and not a liability.

Then have a ponder about what you and your DH's issues really are because this whole top table malarky seems to be a bit of a red herring.

exactly my point Squidgy - thats why I want him to ask now and not the day before for example. And how many times do I have to say that I have no intention or inclination to cause problems at the wedding. I would not and will not. I think your analogy about the bank manager is ridiculous btw - a bank manager does not finance a wedding out of love and generosity to someone who is like his own son and needed help. Yes my SS does like me - whoever stated that might be the problem. He loves me in fact and I have been his stepmum for over 15yrs.

But why do you need to know now?? If, as you say, neither of you intend to cause problems on the day, then I can't see why there's this big panic.

Okay, so you've been told repeatedly that you are BU for making such a big deal of something that really isn't.

You've pointed out that-
your husband never loved his first wife
he calls you his upgrade
your SS really likes you
his kids calll you nana
you've been his stepmother for 15 years
you've paid for the wedding

Why don't you just be honest with yourself and everyone else and admit that your nose is out of joint that you won't be at the top table because you are not actually his mother. And then get over it. I strongly suspect your DH's concerns will disappear if you do.

"Yes my SS does like me - whoever stated that might be the problem. He loves me in fact and I have been his stepmum for over 15yrs."

Can you chat with him about it?

Have they even planned the seating arrangement yet? When I planned the seating at my first wedding (second wedding was much smaller and 1 long table with people sitting where they wished) I did the arrangement about 3 weeks before. There are loads of things that need arranging 2 months ahead of a wedding, the seating arrangement isn't one of them.
Your husband does come across as thin skinned and self centred with your comments though, all this talk of him daily breaking his heart, and not being able to cope if the seating arrangements aren't to his liking.
We are both on our second marriage but if my husband described me as an "upgrade" I'd find it degrading. I would also not be happy if he'd married a woman and then never told her he loved her.

It is not your wedding, so you can't expect to sit anywhere. You have no reason to sit at the top table. Sit where you are told and be nice about it or fake illness and don't go (but that is selfush and you wouldn't be supporting your DH on a proud day). Don't be so bloody selfish. You have to be next to your husband at all times- pathetic.

Do you have kids? Are you behaving like this because you won't get a chance to sit at a top table again or because you are selfish and think your feelings should be considered above the bride and groom's on their wedding day?!? You are only a step-parent, so you have no role in the big day. It is not their fault that his father remarried.

"if my husband described me as an "upgrade" I'd find it degrading"

Yes, the whole thing seems to be triggering a crisis of confidence and he's not helping matters.

Thank you Gertie - I am looking after the G/kids/bridesmaids pageboys etc. I got the colour scheme off the bride and I have taken them all to get their dresses/outfits shoes etc etc. They are all being kept at mine and kids getting dressed here etc. That was my wedding present I offered them and the bride bit my hand off basically - very pleased to hand over that side of things and she loves their outfits ( I did of course liaise with her by sending pics from the store before finally purchasing before anyone adds control freak to my list of derogatory names ! ). Its mainly my DH who is a bit sensitised at moment to me being marginalised etc.because of recent events. I actually spoke to him last night about it and told him what many of you have said about top table etiquette and pointed out to him that my absence from the top table list would therefore not be a snub but the norm really. So he seems to have relaxed about that a lot now - especially as he knows he wont have to sit next to his exw but rather the brides mum. But he still said I better not be shoved to the back or whatever or he will be very unhappy about that. So just to go full circle really I said well why dont you just let me casually ask who I will be sat with - I am very close to my mother and father in law for example - I could just ask if I'm sat with them but he still said he wants to ask himself. But at least its some progress which is good.

tbh, i feel for the stepson, pleasing everyone when organising a wedding can be an impossible task. we had the issue with ours that all 4 of our parents are divorced and with new partners, leaving a possible 8 parents/stepparents to house on a top table. i'm afraid we went down the route of tradition and only our real parents sat on the top table (we sat my mum, with dh's dad on one side, then dh's mum with my dad on the other) and we put all the stepparents together nearby.

Basically, even if you are not sitting together, it will br for for 2-3 hours (Depending on meal and speeches) i think both you and your dh need to suck it up. its his son and his fiancee's day... I hate this idea of who must sit together!
If DP and I got married and had the traditional set up, there would be 3 sets of parents on the top table! We have talked about this, and decided if we were to get married, each set of parents would host a table of their friends. That way they are sitting with people the get on with, and have invited themselves. And there's no one being treated differently. On the top table we would have DP and I, best man, bridesmaids and my daughter... Just the wedding party! Adn if anyone kicks up a fuss, they are welcome not to attend. End of problem in my book!

Oh boy.... I don't know why you think you would be shoved at the back. If you get on as well with your SS as you say then he's not going to do that, is he? But why worry about it now? As others have said, they probably haven't even started on seating plans yet. Just calm down about it all.

Have found this thread very helpful. I'm getting married next year and have a passive-aggressive father and pushy stepmother to contend with. I've been dreading seating plan issues and atmospheres on the day.

It's nice to know the overwhelming MN consensus is 'tell them to grow up'

Mollschamber with regard to your list of statements quoted from me - every single one of them was made as a defence/correction to untrue unfair things that have been said to me on here.

I have been told on this thread that I am insecure/jealous of his exw and worry about them sitting together and I am obviously an ex ow younger secretary he ran off with. All untrue hence my quote of my husbands very occasional name for me - usually in the middle of banter about exw's exh's in the pub etc - it is very tongue in cheek and taken with humour its intended. FGS my DH cannot surely be the first man to call his exw the ex dragon or her who shant be mentioned or ilk .

He also cant surely be the first man to ever 'have' to get married in his late teens because his girlfriend is pregnant and not necessarily out of love. So again when I'm being 'told' that he 'must' have loved her very much once and I am just jealous then again I have a right to dispute that complete untruth.

Then it is being 'stated' that either I dont like my ss and he doesnt like me - thats why I said about me being a nana to his kids etc. Just to give a true picture of our relationship than being presumed on here by some parties.

About the money - I only brought that up because one poster made yet another hostile statement about me and said 'anyone would think you paid for the wedding and who do you think you are etc etc or whatever. Then there were several nasty comments about me not supporting the couple and I should be helping them not hindering them and blah blah and I should be grateful to be invited at all -which is why I said about the money.

Just defending myself really - sorry I didnt realise I wasnt supposed to.

OTHM, one of the poshest weddings I've been to had NO top table. It was all round tables of six and the 'important' guests had tables near the front - this meant disenamoured exes were at opposite sides of the room, but still in privileged position. The couple sat with best man, chief bridesmaid and their partners.

It struck me as diplomatic genius.

I think YABU, especially as you;re talking about "kicking off".

When it was my wedding the best man's wife wasn't too pleased about not been on the top table. Inbetween the wedding ceremony and the reception she sneaked in and moved place cards about and set an extra place at the top table and then sat herself down. I do like her and to be honest I wasn't that bothered.

However in you situation I can see that your step son's mother might not be over the moon if you sat on the top table. So I'm sorry but I think you need to tell your step son that its fine if you're not on the top table. Its not about you. Its your stepson and his fiancees day, and also their parents' day. Getting married is stressful enough without this sort of thing.

I guess the thing is - it's not about you. So just relax and go with the flow. You have the social skills to be able to chat and have a good time with whoever you get sat with.

Let yourself surrender.

You have taken a bashing and to your credit you are still on the thread explaining, many would have fled by now, but from your first post it did seem as though you would be very unhappy if you sat anywhere other than the top table.

There are obviously issues you don't want to go into, which is fair enough. You clearly have a good relationship with the couple; you've been generous and they trust you with the DCs. Whatever it is that is getting your DH's knickers in a twist is rubbing off on you - hence the bashing.

Have fun with the kids, they will be so excited. Get yourself a fab outfit and enjoy the day. Everyone will comment on what a delight you are and any nastiness or whatever the issue is from the ex will only show her up.

About the money, I see the reason you brought it up but, your DSS will treat you with respect because he cares about you and your position in the family not because you lent him money. Could your DH be feeling prickly that it was you that lent his son the money and he was not able to - sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

Gwen - I dont think that he would do that either - my DH has gone from saying he is presuming I will be sat with him and I had bloody well better be etc etc to now accepting as per etiquette that I probably wont be - 'but ( in his words ) - you better not be stuck at the back either'.

Can't you just ask your stepson. Thus would surely save any issues from arising on the day of the wedding.

"I dont think that he would do that either - my DH has gone from saying he is presuming I will be sat with him and I had bloody well better be etc etc to now accepting as per etiquette that I probably wont be - 'but ( in his words ) - you better not be stuck at the back either'"

Yes, I wonder how much of this is your DH projecting his own anxieties
onto you - and you are taking them on as if they are your own.