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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 12:04

I dont see how you are being marginalised though. You dont even know what the seating plan is yet, and you (or to be more accurate, your husband) are already preparing for battle.

You are a "senior ranking" member of the family, so highly unlikely you would be shoved to the back of the room, and more likely that you will be sat with your own kids if they are going, or another family member... you wont be sitting at a little table all by yourself. .. Grin

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 12:13

No sorry Squeeky the marginalisation thing is nothing to do with this wedding its an ongoing saga all of its own that with another member of family that has wound up hubby of late. My kids arent invited (grown up variety I hasten to add and they werent raised together - mine and his IYSWIM so not as bad as it sounds) - but that doesnt bother me too much really they dont meet very often - quite a bit older.

OP posts:
marcopront · 10/07/2011 12:16

How old was your step son when you married his Dad? and how much time did he spend with you growing up?

fgaaagh · 10/07/2011 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

GiddyPickle · 10/07/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pranma · 10/07/2011 13:40

I have two stepsons and was at the top table with dh at both weddings as was dh's exwife.Her dh was not invited to one of the weddings but was beside her at the other.I have never been in any way excluded or made to feel awkward by my stepsons or their wives.I dont think YABU at all.It is at the very least courtesy to seat you with your dh.At dss1's wedding I was asked to do a recitation at the reception too.

exoticfruits · 10/07/2011 13:42

There is no right way-just fit in with what the couple want-it isn't a day for making a stand.

macdoodle · 10/07/2011 14:08

OMG you know what I take it back, its your H thats the twat here, clearly slagging his XW off, never loved her, you're the upgrade, you've paid for everything, he's sounds like a hideous piece of work and I would gues your SS has had enough of hearing his mother put down.

garlicnutter · 10/07/2011 14:26

I've been trying not to say that, macdoodle [hshock]
Reckoned OP would be on Relationships if she was ready to hear it ...

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 15:13

Don't second my comments - I had a post deleted. I have no idea why!

gorionine · 10/07/2011 15:39

howdy

TwoIfBySea · 10/07/2011 16:59

Me too slovenly, my first woohoo. I almost felt privileged and it wasn't nearly as scathing as some. And if it was the cat's bum face comment then OP repeated it in her response to a post that no longer exists! Wahey!

This is why people should elope!

TwoIfBySea · 10/07/2011 16:59

Me too slovenly, my first woohoo. I almost felt privileged and it wasn't nearly as scathing as some. And if it was the cat's bum face comment then OP repeated it in her response to a post that no longer exists! Wahey!

This is why people should elope!

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/07/2011 17:03

Oh just sit down and eat the bloody meal.

This sort of nonsense is one of the many reasons I'm living in sin.

cakewench · 10/07/2011 17:05

My best friend had a small table for herself and her husband, and two large round tables for the 'top table' people, due to this sort of thing. Her parents recently divorced and both have new partners, and both of them were making life very difficult for her with regards to sitting near one another.

Not to pile on, OP, but your initial post about 'kicking off' did set the tone for most of these responses.

forehead · 10/07/2011 17:05

YABVVU. don't make a fuss fgs. There will be ramifications in the future if you cause problems.

TableVamp · 10/07/2011 17:10

I did not put DH's SM on top table - she isnt either of our parents. No complaints.

InTheNightKitchen · 10/07/2011 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TableVamp · 10/07/2011 17:13

And TBH I would have been f**king outraged if she had complained. Get over it and eat your free meal.

2gorgeousboys · 10/07/2011 17:21

At DH's brothers recent wedding the top table consisted of

DN (B and G's DS), DMiL, Bride's father, Bride, Groom, Bride's mother, DFiL, DN (B and G's DD).

Next level of tables were

The best man with his wife and children and DH, I, DSS and our children.

The bridesmaids with their DP/DH's.

The brides step father of 20 years and the grandparents.

Everyone was happy.

I just hope that when/if DSS gets married, he is allowed to invite me.

Ormirian · 10/07/2011 17:31

Parents of bride and groom sit at the top table. That's it. You are not a parent.

It might be nice for you to be there too but I wouldn't expect it and yabu to be upset about it.

fgaaagh · 10/07/2011 17:35

What the hell?

Mumsnet deleted a comment I made where it was basically a paragraph quote by the OP, with a small comment of my own at the bottom?

Am I right in thinking that particular quote showed you (or rather your DH) in a particularly unpleasent manner, OP, and you might have requested it be removed?

Nevermind - I know and you know what you wrote.

Hmm
gorionine · 10/07/2011 17:41

op sorry for my "howdy" I did not mean to post on that thread at all just realised it is now on my "threads I am on". I am very Confused andBlush.OK getting even weirder, I was not even on my computer at the time this comment was written can anyone explain?

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 10/07/2011 17:42

Blimey op just read through this you have taken a bashing!!!!

Have you considered that you might be on a table with all the children you've offered to look after Grin

daytoday · 10/07/2011 17:48

Does it really matter which table you sit on? Can you not be altruistic and simply want Step son to have a nice day? If you are not on top table then I don't think it would be an oversight or carelessness but a decision which may have been agonised over. If you tell step son you want him to have a lovely day and smile sweetly when he tells you where you are seated he will love you for it. He may well be catering to his mums needs and not yours.

If you kick up a stink because your ego is fragile or the step son does not have a good relationship / accept you - then I think you must swallow it for now. His wedding is not the time nor the place to get to the bottom of your relationship. They simply have too much to organise and will grate.

At a later date, if you care, then you can talk to him about what happened and why.

If you fuss over it, do you really think it will contribute to his day?