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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 00:39

With respect I know my DH better than anyone on here and that is exactly what he thinks and the reason I have to nag him to ask is because he doesnt want me to ask - he wants to ask himself. But he puts things off a lot - especially to avoid confrontation - which often causes more in the long run - IYSWIM. Especially when he thinks he wont like the answer. I would have no problem with asking myself otherwise. It is he who brought it up initially not me.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 10/07/2011 00:39

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mollschambers · 10/07/2011 00:42

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iscream · 10/07/2011 00:46

I found a thread with some alternatives to the traditional table. I realize you are not planning this of course, but perhaps if your ss and his wtb are still working on seating, and were having any worries about what to do, you could be armed with this helpful information.
I think you should simply ask your ss or your fsdil what the seating is? You can randomly ask during a casual chat about their plans.
Meanwhile, as the others are saying, whatever, you hold your head up and be gracious and friendly towards everyone.

uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110126022602AArC81D

FringeMonkey · 10/07/2011 00:47

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galletti · 10/07/2011 00:55

YABU. When I had my wedding, many moons ago, top table had my mum and dad, although divorced. New partners, actually wives and husbands by then had closest seats to the top table, and placed with close family and friends. Worked really well. When dinner is over, move seats and have fub. Simple!

macdoodle · 10/07/2011 00:56

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galletti · 10/07/2011 00:56

fun, not fub!

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 01:06

No Wirral - just defending myself against all the hostile comments and inaccurate presumptions being made against me. Btw how on earth can something my husband calls me be a reflection on how bitter I am Confused. How do you know also that my DH ever loved his exw etc. All you know is they had a child together. They actually split up because he never told her he loved her etc. and they married very young because she was pregnant and he would never dress that up when they talked about their relationship. She eventually threw in the towel.

OP posts:
unitarian · 10/07/2011 01:09

I got married during the miners' strike and we worried about how to keep the police on one side of the family separate from the labour supporters on the other. Add a bunch of Scottish Presbeterians and a few Liverpool Catholics and it was a recipe for disaster. But everyone put differences aside and we all had a great day. Very unlikely friendships were formed!

Someone has already made the excellent suggestion that you volunteer to look after the kiddies. That would be a tactful way of asking what the bride and groom's plans are. If they are in difficulties about who should be on the top table then that gives them a way out of their dilemma and you look gracious and dignified. You then have the task of making sure your DH doesn't feel the need to fight for your rights.

If you are at the top table then that's absolutely fine but you shouldn't expect it and shouldn't make a fuss or store up resentment if you're not.

ll31 · 10/07/2011 01:10

ok haven t read all messages - but just original post - I think yabu =- I would not expect same in ur circumtances... - at end of day its ur stepsons day and presumably he wants his parents at top tabel... - is it such a big deal for u?

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 01:13

No Macdoodle - I am actually a year older than his exw.

So sorry not to fit into any of your pigeon holes. I find it ironic that you are assasinating my character and calling me names to all imply I am a terrible person - whilst you are calling me - a complete stranger abusive names. What does that make you - a nice person ??

OP posts:
ll31 · 10/07/2011 01:15

Its ur stepsons day - I think u just fit into what he wants - end of story... Its not about u its about him and his wife.. ur an adult - so its not what u want but u just accept its his day and u do it... and u'll prob have a better day anyway!

Lonnie · 10/07/2011 01:25

Ive not read all of this but I want to add what we did

my parents divorced when I was 5 and I married at age 26 (well bar 3 weeks) at this point my mother had been with my stepfather for 21 years and my father with my then step mother for 11 years. the top table was done as follows

Chief Usher and his dd or flower girl(corner of top table) Ushers wife, best man, my dad, my mil, dh, me, my fil, my mother, my stepdad, my stepmum.

Yes it created a table of 10 people but for us it worked. As both my step parents had been involved in my life we felt it the right way around it.

I have been at weddings where the step parents were not at the top table

ive been to weddings where one parent was not at top table but step parent was
Ive been to weddings where no paretns was at top table.

however they go about it I think you need to just rise above it and accept this is a difficult situation in our case it worked as we had a large room but for many it would not.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 10/07/2011 06:40

There are nearly three months left to this flipping wedding. Why in the big wide world of sports do you need to know where you're sitting now? Just turn up, look at the little seating plan on the noticeboard, find seat etc etc. It's easy really.

Wormshuffler · 10/07/2011 06:57

We had ours in a U shape with the top table being the bottom of the U, the parents with new partners sat at the end of the line with their partners on the next seat but around the corner. This way they were next to each other but the step parents were not officially on the top. Could you suggest this?

YABU if you kick off about this though, the thought of Me and DH ever splitting up and a new partner being on the top table fills me with horror.

Groovee · 10/07/2011 07:06

My mum didn't sit at the top table at my sister's wedding, my sister's mum sat with the groom and my mum sat at the family table with my aunt and cousins. I find it odd that you would even want to sit there. The only step mother, I've ever known sit at the top table was Dh's cousin's wife, who parents were both dead and only her stepmother was alive and was the brides representative at the top table.

babybarrister · 10/07/2011 07:17

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ivykaty44 · 10/07/2011 07:20

I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated.

yes they are on the top table - the mother of the groom sits next to the father of the bride and visa versa.

So yes partners are seperated and everyone is mixed up - so hardly a big deal for one meal of a couple of hours not sat with your partner at a wedding

Georgimama · 10/07/2011 07:28

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InsomniaQueen · 10/07/2011 07:48

Well it all seems to be getting rather heated here!!!

At my wedding I had my biological parents, foster parents and in laws to contend with.....I said from the start that the only people on the top table would be me and hubby.....it worked perfectly and no one was made any more or less special!!!

The problem with tradition is that it doesn't always take into consideration the huge changes that we have seen in our society.....step mothers, brothers, ect are a normal part of family life and in reality is something that must be considered.

A girl I know allowed her mother to pay a huge amount towards her wedding but didn't allow her mothers partner to sit on the top table while her fathers new wife did......now that was totally unfair and as predicted her mother was very unhappy about it especially considering the fact her mother and her partner did a hell of a lot of organising and arranging for them!!!

My advice to you would be to leave it - I don't think your being unreasonable to want to know and be prepared - but getting married is exceptionally stressful. All you want to do is make a life commitment to the person you love and you have "friends and family" making difficult demands and creating drama when you just need people to say "that's great as long as your happy".....really it's a short meal and once that is done you will be up and about mingling with guests ect.

Please don't bring this up with either the bride or the groom it is only something they will resent you for later (trust me on this) and it will all be for nothing. Try to see it from their perspective and just do what you can to make things easier for them - after all it's their day and their happiness is the most important thing!!

SquidgyBiscuits · 10/07/2011 07:59

If you were as close you SS as you claim to be, you would absolutely not want to turn his wedding into a debacle. Weddings are difficult enough to plan sometimes, without family politics being drawn into it.

Your DH should sort any issues he has well away from this wedding. You should turn up and consult the seating plan to see where you will be sat, along with all the other guests. Parents are traditionally sat at the top table as it was them hosting the event. Your are not SS's parent, and are not hosting the wedding - you are a guest, along with everybody else.

SquidgyBiscuits · 10/07/2011 08:10

Also - if your DH is the one with the issue, as you continue to claim, why not just let him get on with it. He'll either ask or he won't. If you'r truly not bothered then it shouldn't be an issue whether he does or not.

Its nice I'm being invited - yes - there wouldnt have been a wedding - or this year at least - if it werent for my part loan part gift to fund it ?

I went to my friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago. They took out a bank loan to pay for it, but I don't recall seeing her bank manager sitting proudly at the top table.

Bonsoir · 10/07/2011 08:14

Either both your DSS's biological parents and both their respective partners are seated at the top table or neither parents nor their partners are.

DrNortherner · 10/07/2011 08:25

We had this issue at our wedding. Dh's Dad made it clear that he expected dh's step mum to be on the top table, however, dh had lived with his Dad and step mum since aged 10/11 so kind of a bit different. Because of this, we felt we had to allow dh's Mums partner on the top table too. Bit ridiculous really.

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