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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this children's party?

452 replies

sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 19:19

I'm not sure if I am or not .
DD came home tonight and told me, very matter of factly, that a child in her class is having a year 6 leavers party and disco at his house. He was giving out invitations this week in front of the children who have not been invited. Two teachers are going aswell..

There are 37 children in the year group. 32 have been invited. My DD is one of the children that hasn't.

Obviously I won't do anything but I feel sad that an adult has organised a big, special party and excluded 5 children from it.

DD has never fallen out with this child, BTW. I don't know, I have quite a good sense of fair play and to me that means all children in a big party situation are invited. Obviously very different for a small party .

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 07/07/2011 19:59

She may be super super organised. She my also have no idea it has happened if her son was handing out the invitations.

the only person who can clear this up is the mother herself.

pinkytheshrinky · 07/07/2011 20:00

The rules of these things as far as I am aware are either close friends only or the whole class and honestly I would ask them Mum - you never have to see this woman again so if yo make an arse of yourself then so what but you should pick her up on it - it is really horrible.

My dd was one of three children left out of a whole class party and all those children including dd have special needs dd does not have behavioural probs just speech and language) ! She broke her little heart over it and I pointed it out to the Mother concerned and she fluffed some sort of 'your dd has a special diet' excuse. I just told her very calmly that dd really was upset and left it at that. Bloody bitch I could have laid her out right there but making her feel like shit was my only option.

People do these things because they think they can get away with it sometimes although it is likely she doesn't know she has done it so tread carefully initially but then roast her if she has actually left those children out.

SoupDragon · 07/07/2011 20:00

It may be that the missing invitations are at the bottom of the boy's school bag

FairhairedandFrustrated · 07/07/2011 20:01

Fuck her popularity - I would hate for this to happen in either of my kids classes, actually it has made me quite angry!!

Make damn sure she knows there were people left out!! And i'd speak to their mothers too, just to see if there may be some other reason they weren't invited.. ie: did they think you were all off on Summer Hols or something?

Maryz · 07/07/2011 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 07/07/2011 20:03

What boat says. Dont say anything to her, just tell the teacher and explain this is upsetting your DD. If she has deliberately left the other 5 out i would imagine she would be quite embarrassed explaining why to the teacher. Or as others have said she has made a mistake and the teacher will make her aware

Quis · 07/07/2011 20:04

Yes please ask the mum. If she is popular she is probably nice and may be mortified (as I was). What is the worst that can happen?

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2011 20:04

Im surprised that teachers are going to a party at a students house tbh?

Also is there not a school organised leavers party/disco/prom?

Curiousmama · 07/07/2011 20:05

Sad I'd definitely approach the mother and ask for the names of the uninvited so you could take them somewhere? God this makes me Angry

flicktheswitch · 07/07/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 07/07/2011 20:06

When I was at school it was normal for only the girls to be invited to a girls party and vice versa...made it less obvious when kids were excluded but I still remember feeling horrible when I wouldn't get an invite and the rest of the girls would! Angry

DoMeDon · 07/07/2011 20:07

'failing their children by precipitating a generation of egocentrics' - - you are so right there!

Hope you DD's having a better time at her new school flick

YaMaYaMa · 07/07/2011 20:13

Reading some of these posts is quite upsetting; I cannot believe that people actually exclude children with SN from parties. That's just terrible. Sad

Sorry for your DD, OP. I would do what a previous poster suggested re contacting the Mum and asking for excluded children's names so you can do something nice for them.

herecomesthsun · 07/07/2011 20:13

Yes and if it were my child I would get together with the other parents and find a really ace, memorable alternative, that was if possible more appealing than the original party.

I would also consider discussing it confidentially with the head teacher re the propriety of this sort of behaviour and exclusion of a small number of pupils, particularly if teachers really are going to be attending as well. The head teacher is the line manager of the teachers so could for example tell them not to attend and thus make this a rather less officially sanctioned end of year party. He/she might not know about this (and probably should from what you say).

I would be very tempted to phone super organised mum and raise the issue of which children were not invited with a view to organising a (better) alternative. I would be very polite and be interested to see if she came up with some sortof(ridiculous) explanation. I might possibly point out very politely that no doubt she did not intend this, but it could be perceived quite negatively by the children who were not invited. Of course this would not be what anyone would want etc. I would be very careful not to lose my temper, to the point of being irritatingly calm.

mind you my only child is 3 so I have no experience at all of this sort of thing (I am trying to get my head around kids parties and their politics).

Also I would want to know if there were some sort of issue like bullying one way or the other going on.

Also there is the issue of how your DD feels and whether she would feel more supported or embarrassed etc etc (all a bit beyond my level of experience as a parent).

Just random thoughts.

MilaV · 07/07/2011 20:16

I would contact the parents first, and let them know how your daughter feels, and ask them politely why wasn't she invited. Maybe write them a letter. But don't go to teachers first or they'll feel threatened.

AurraSing · 07/07/2011 20:16

I think it is odd that a parent is organising a leaving party, not the school. I would definitely have a word with the teachers.

Maryz · 07/07/2011 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 20:22

We always do whole class or five or six. Like it or no party.

OP posts:
Ishani · 07/07/2011 20:22

My DD ended up being one of 4 children who didnt have a leavers hoody to pick up when she left year 6, turns out the order form was forgotten at the bottom of her bag.
Are you certain there isn't an invite lurking around her bedroom or bag ?

YaMaYaMa · 07/07/2011 20:27

My DD is only young, but when the time comes for class parties, I will invite all of the class children, especially those with SN. It would never have occured to me to go out of my way to do this, IYSWIM, until reading this thread. I cannot imagine how painful dealing with that sort of thing must be (Sorry for hijack, OP).

Almacks · 07/07/2011 20:28

This is so pants and upsetting. I agree you should ask Mum and Teacher about it, but I would find this terribly hard to do, particularly the Mum.

manicinsomniac · 07/07/2011 20:36

I have a Y6 class and the leavers' party is being organised by a parent because Y6 is not our official leaving age, Y8 is. However, a lot of the children go on to grammar or girls' independent schools that start at 11 after Y6 so one of these parents has decided to have a party.

She arrived in my classroom halway through registration (her daughter is in another Y6 class so she was doing the rounds) waving her pink invitations around and shrieking about party time. I took her outside and politely checked with her that every single child was going to be invited before I let her give them out.

I definitely think your child's teacher will want to know about this situation, especially if s/he is actually going him/herself! I would be mortified to attend a party which had left some of my less popular pupils out.

I also think the idea about phoning and asking for a non invitees list so you can organise something to make up for their disappointment is genius - so perfectly passive aggressive!

paddypoopants · 07/07/2011 20:43

This is truly dreadful- your poor dd and the others left out. At that age this would've totally crushed me.
Unfortunately the mum can do what she likes for whatever sad reason she has but the teachers should not be condoning it by going along. I assume they don't know- and therefore I think you should have a quiet word before the event. If they do know then that's another matter and it should be taken up with the head. It could all be a horrible mistake - maybe her son is a little shit who has decided to weed out the invites he didn't want to give and tell his Mum they can't make it.
It's a difficult position for you to be in. Good luck.

Jajas · 07/07/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 08:08

It seems that all the " cool" kids are going and the SN kids and " uncool" ones aren't.

I am off to have a chat with teacher this morning but feel very upset.
I was bullied mercilessly at school for being an uncool geek and the thought of my DD going through it makes me sob.

Thank you all, will report back x.

OP posts: