To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

[RevoltingPeasant]

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

Yes, usualsuspect, so does mine. He is a teenager now so I'm more lax than I was when he was little.
I think people on this thread are coming from different angles. Of course you watch what your younger children are eating, but once they get older you let up.
Ds will probably be at university in a couple of years time. Who's he going to ask for permission when he want's to eat.

My Ds has his own stash of pringles in his room ,I have to ask him

Bonsoir - I went to rural france with a veggie friend once and I absolutely pissed myself laughing when the meal that she was assured was veggie, turned out to be the same as my meat meal but with about a third less meat :o

I think children need to be guided by people they trust it's not dictatorial it is simply that they know in their heart that their parents will point them in a direction that's best for their well being.

Lady I agree with you in that I would assume by the time the DDs are teens they would have learned enough to know that scoffing 24 Jaffa Cakes in one sitting, just half an hour before dinner is pretty stupid.

I hate to tell you this LQ, but chances are that they will still do it, if only once due to the row they will get from you about not eating their meal etc :o Thankfully it was only once that DS did it and when I made him stump up the cost of the food he wasted out of his paper round money (the grand sum of £1.50 iirc), he never did it again!

I just asked DD2 about this while we were having a chat in the bath. She said she thought it would be "rude" to take food without asking. I was as we have never discussed this before!!

Sorry curryspice - perhaps the remark about getting enough sleep came across in a sharper tone than you intended.

Bonsoir had already said that 10.30 allowed her dd enough sleep. It sounded like you were criticising and questioning that, but perhaps I read it wrong.

Anyway - I'm now off to cook dd1 and I spaghetti carbonara. She's 13 so allowed to eat this late I guess

No worries buttonmoon. I didn't mean it snottily at all. But I know tone sometimes doesn't come across well and it did "sound" a bit sharp

FWIW I sat with the Dds while they ate their tea at 5:30 and we chatted about their day.

I'm just about to eat my dinner now that they are in bed. I simply would not be ready to eat at 5:30 - I wouldn't be hungry

Enjoy your carbonara - I love it but it's always a bit hit and miss when I do it. Either really lush or a bit vile

My DD is only 3y4m so all she's allowed to help herself to is the fruit bowl, and I dont put a limit on it (unless its grapes or blueberries or something that would result in a bum explosion! lol)

She occasionally grabs a sneaky fromage frais when I'm not paying attention.

As she gets older I imagine I will extend the snacking to toast and yogurts. I dont keep crisps or biscuits in the house so don't think it will be a prob. I can remember being 10-11+ and just raiding the kitchen looking for something to eat. Prob why I'm a fatty now as never really had limits on it.

But I would certainly expect her to ask. Because if your not the person cooking/preparing meals then you have no idea if what you are eating is meant for something/someone else.

Everyone saying their children are allowed to help themselves to fruit - really? Do they not have three bananas in a row or a whole bag of grapes? Isn't this just as bad for the teeth as a penguin? Or do you really limit it in some way after all?

My younger ones are 6&8, we tend to have a mix.of fruit/healthy snacks and some "naughtier" ones, but they do have to ask because they have no concept of time really and would eat snacks right up to meals, then not eat the meal...

Many parents allow their children to eat freely of a specific type of food, for example fruit, but would not allow them to eat freely of any other food.

It is also about finances. Families on tight budgets may not be able to afford extra pints of milk or loaves of bread, let alone 'treat' type food such as cakes or biscuits. If you are in that financial situation, you can't let your child eat freely. This is specifically worse for teenagers who can eat you out of house and home if you didn't limit what they ate.

Can you imagine a 13 year old boy coming home from school with a friend or two. If there were no house rules on food, I could see a couple of pints of milk gone as well as a loaf of bread on toast. This all adds up.

Actually bigkids no mine aren't allowed free rein on the fruit. 2 out of the 3 have IBS and although they love fruit, veg, salad etc, it can't get away from them fast enough. If you see what I mean...

I have to ration that v strictly indeed. And absolutely no wholegrain anything. Our cupboards look like something from the 80s - white everything!

I would have thought whether you restrict food or not is less important for the potential development of eating disorders than how and why you restrict foods.

Imho asking them not to scoff the cheese because I am about to put it in the quiche is not likely to have quite the same impact as restricting their food because I am a controlfreak who wants to micro-manage their lives or because I myself have issues about food and hate seeing people eat.

The way it works in our house, one person (not always the same) is responsible for cooking on any one day: the rest of the household are expected to ask, as a matter of courtesy and expedience, before using up anything that could potentially be an ingredient. We are not uptight about food, we do not worry about eating or not eating, we are cheerful and practical about it. Unlikely to cause issues imho.

If unrestricted access to anything edible you fancy is a sine qua non for surviving without food issues it makes you wonder how anyone coped pre-1970- or indeed how most people in the world cope today.

Reading the posts, it seems we have two choices. Allow kids to eat what they want and condemn them to an obese life without a shred of self-control, or else deny them food and force a starvation diet until they fade away. Tough choice.

Is it possible we can insist that our kids join fixed mealtimes where they have plenty to eat three times a day, and in-between families may actually vary on if snacks should be asked for? And that this is a subjective choice by the parents which does not have a right or wrong answer?

In my view OP is BU since this is a parenting choice that is neither right nor wrong, but part if the 'house rules' that the parents get to decide.

MrMan, well of course it's a subjective parenting choice! I don't mean it's abusive or something. Just debating the practicalities/ ethics of it.

You know, quite often I am swayed when told IABU (really!) but this time, not really buying the arguments. For older kids (which is what the OP was about), I don't think insisting on fixed mealtimes is necessarily desirable or practicable, and whilst I think parents should definitely have input into the desires of teens, I still find it uncomfortable to think of an adolescent ringing her mum at work to ask if she was allowed to have a snack, as one PP said hers do.

I really just started this out of curiosity, interesting to see how many responses it has stirred up.....

I've just asked mine what they think, they both said it would be rude not to ask first, the older one said he'd prob eat something that was supposed to go in the dinner If he didn't check first and the younger one (8 years) says he doesn't mind as long as he can have his glass of milk and a yoghurt or a banana while he waits for dinner tho he did say if I let him he'd probable eat all the biscuits

I agree with you OP. But then again i also don't have children!

I'm now terrified tho! i'm trying ttc but not so sure after reading this thread, it sounds as if all kids suffer from prada willy syndrome! Surely most people eat when their hungry and if teenagers are eating that much it is because they need the energy - Apples just don't really do it - even if you do have one in each hand!

When i grew up i never had to ask, neither did my DP, however, we're both only children so the locust thing wasn't really an issue.

Also about the eating what's for dinner, i don't really think i would have eaten the raw mince, raw onion and dried spaghetti no matter how ravenous i was!

The fridge had cheese, ham, pate, etc and the cupboard had tinned beans, ravioli, cereal, bread, jam, peanut butter, biscuits etc, freezer had micro meals.

And to the posters who say they wouldn't walk into their parents house now and help themselves to their cupboards - I think that is a weird thing to say as of course you wouldn't; it isn't your home anymore. But it may be your home when you are 12 and then it is normal to eat something when you are hungry. I would hate to have to ask at that age and to feel like a guest in my own home.

Most of my friends also could help themselves and none of us turned into mr creosote. The weirdoes ones who couldn't were exactly the ones who would eat and eat till they were ill when they came over.

I remember one mother telling my mum when she dropped dd at my 9th birthday party (with 40 kids there) that mum had to watch that her dd didn't eat until she threw up! She was so restricted at home that when given a choice she went berserk.

Also to the opinion expressed that this is why young people are the way they are, because no one said no to them and let them have what they want - i think there is a counter argument to that which is; that this is why they are the way they are, because everything is so structured they cant develop personal responsibility and when they have it they don't know how to behave.

I work with young people and they expect to told how and when to do everything.

I understand the concern about eating too many biscuits, cereal etc but i don't understand why is it rude to have a snack in your house? Do you ask your dh when you have an apple or some toast ?

I think that I am like most on here i.e. free reign on the fruit bowl, but other food they have to ask. I have done this because
a) both are boys and they would eat me out of house and home if I let them
b) when they do want to eat it is usually as I am cooking.......

Laguitar, several of us have already explained that we would ask if there is any chance that our other half has ear-marked something for cooking or might be planning to use it for work/school lunches. It's not about health concerns, but dh would be mightily pissed off if he had to go without his lunch because I couldn't wait until dinner was ready the previous night.

I don't see a need to constantly snack. We have 3 meals-they never got into the habit of snacking. I wouldn't ban anything, but when they were small they didn't just help themselves-they then get into good habits and know what is appropriate to snack on-so that when they are older they know what they can help themselves to.e.g. they can make toast if there is plenty of bread, but not if there won't be enough for breakfast.

When my kids were hungry they would say Mum Im hungry and I fed them. Generally they had two meals a day, and a tray which I made up of goodies crisps, sweets, biscuits, youghurt every night about half eight and took to their rooms.

My kids didn't start helping themselves to anything other than biscuits until they were late teens around 15/16.

A tray in their rooms at half 8 that included sweets... every night???