To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

[RevoltingPeasant]

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

10.30pm for a 6 year old and waiting till 10pm to eat. My dd is 7, has her tea at 4 supper at 8 then bed at 8.30pm. The 9 year old goes at 9pm

Well in our family Bonsoir, having enough sleep is a priority!

I think there's a point which has been missed in this 'not a restaurant/late bedtime/family eating debate'.

We generally try to eat together but sometimes can't. But I still only cook one meal - chilli, stew etc which can be dished out at different times to suit different activities.

So I still need to know that the peppers I've bought are in the fridge or that there's enough cheese to put on the chilli or whatever.

I think that the OP is coming at this from a very different background from most of us. We (my sisters and I) used to cook but it was always something that had been previously arranged with my mum as she did the shopping and was for the whole family. That was what happened in my house and pretty much the same in dh's house. So it is what happens in our house.

I guess your experiences shape your expectations.

Buttonmoon, sounds like you had a similar upbringing to me and DH

Don't get snotty with Bonsoir. Her child obviously needs less sleep and lives in a country (I think) where eating at 8 or later is perfectly normal. And I don't think she's said at any point that any one else is wrong, just that this is the way they live.

there is a point at which the children just stop asking - depends what age they reach that independence burst

and once the older one does you lost it with the younger ones

and then you've lost it with your bank manager well you have if you have 4 kids

I don't think it's unreasonable to restrict a childs access to food - my DD is always starving when she gets in from school and will happily eat pretty much whatever she can lay her hands on. Then she'll pick at her dinner.

Now, she has a small snack (an orange for instance) and that's it. If she helps herself, I'm usually quite annoyed because it's the expensive lunchbox items she goes for. I'm not against her having something to eat, but quite often, its from boredom, not genuine hunger. She knows she should ask first though.

And that is why my dps son raids our fridge.Lol.He is my age but just goes out into our kitchen and helps himself without asking.Not just one yogurt but the whole lot.Not just one packet of chrisps but about 6.You get my drift.Argh! It does my head in

Bonsoir And you just wait till your daughter comes home one day, like I did, and announces that she is a vegan and will eat no animal products at all

What will you do? In all seriousness, would you insist that, say, a 14yo who developed an ethical objection to meat had to sit around and eat the same dinner as everyone else or starve? Or what about a 15yo boy growing through a massive growth spurt who was absolutely faint with hunger at 7pm - would you tell him off for making himself some toast?

And yes MoreBeta I am clearly at the rotting core of society - in fact, as a lecturer, I am solely responsible firstly for spoiling children rotten and then ripping them off!!

OP I think you're on the right track, actually, I DO have kids and also think that 'banning' / controlling foods is not that healthy for them.
My kids are 3 and 4.

Since they are still young I do 'control' food to a certain extent in that I only really offer them healthy options, I don't actually keep things like soft drink / sweets /chocolate etc in the house that much, so don't eat them myself regularly either.
But they do choose and control what they eat themselves from what's available.
Their usual snacks that are available any time they like, are healthy ones, such as crackers and fruit / veg.

I keep their crackers on a shelf they can reach and they can help themselves any time. They don't really make a mess, IE get everything out, or waste it etc. They'll leave crumbs, but they would if I was allocating snacks to them too.

At least once a week we bake together, either cakes or biscuits. I never restrict how many they eat of these. I've explained, and they've discovered for themselves, that too much sugar will make them feel sick. They self regulate their intake of these themselves with no problems. I think because they could have as many as they want, they don't feel compelled to. Typically my 3 year old will eat 1/2 a cupcake in a sitting and my 4 year old 2.
Same with sweets. We don't have them that much, mostly when we go to parties and so on, but they help themselves when we do have them, I can give them a whole bag, and they won't scoff the lot.

Again I think that is purely because I have NOT been controlling what they can have, that they are able to do that.
I agree with you that by regulating their intake, it is not giving them the opportunity to work out how to do it themselves. Mine have been helping themselves since they have been physically able to do it, so it's not true that even younger children are not capable of self regulation, they absolutely are.

As they get older and can buy their own treats / junk food, I fully expect that they'll then be able to manage that themselves without any input from me.

With regards to snacking between / potentially spoiling meals, I don't have any issue with that. Especially since they are snacking on mainly healthy foods they often eat better with their snacks than they do in a meal, they certainly get their 5 a day in easily from snacking.

I tend to cook fairly small meals for them, since I know they snack a lot, so I don't usually get waste. I think it is actually better for metabolism to eat more often as well. Both of my kids are on the thin side of average, so snacking all day has not been detrimental to their weight at all.

Lol at getting snotty.

It's all very well if you have kids who control what they eat themselves and/or are very slim but if not I think it is irresponsible to let them stuff themselves. And if that's what they are going to do what's the difference in making them ask first or making them put something back?
Also how would you know they're not scoffing the ingredients of that nights tea or stuff bought for lunchboxes?
DD is too young to help herself yet but as she gets older I will let her help herself to certain healthy stuff I put aside for snacks. I want her to control her own appetite. I never coax her to finish meals and always get her something if she says she's hungry. I don't eat crap myself though so I'm not going to let my kids eat it daily.

I think there has got to be a bit of give and take, my dd is 5yo and if she is hungry there is always fruit available she can help herself. I make sure she has regular mealtimes and snacks so hopefully she won't get really hungry.

As she gets older I will trust my judgement on how much she can help herself! FWIW I was allowed to help myself from age 10 or so.

I'm not getting snotty with anyone buttonmoon - Bonsoir said what her priorities are, wuite forcefull, I said what mine where

Yes, my helping themselves to food when they are hungry teenagers ..are the rotting core of society

Its broken Britain I tell ya

In former times, less than 50 years ago, what people ate/drank was heavily constrained by what they could afford to buy. Now that constraint has gone for most people we have to replace it with common sense restraint otherwise obesity and cirrohsis follow.

None of my children are obese

They eat when they are hungry ,just like I do

Ginger, how do you know they wouldn't be the same even if you did restrict them? My children do not get sweet things regularly but when they are available they don't overeat either. They can have fruit/rice cakes during the day but they always ask first and the only time I'll ever say no is if we're about to have lunch or dinner. They are 5 and 2. I don't see the benefit in allowing them free access to cake/biscuits/crisps IMO it creates bad habits, an unhealthy diet and a 'taste' for less nutritious food that they really don't need everyday.

I let them eat fruit etc but they always check that its ok to eat it at that particular time iykwim. Rather than "can I have an apple" its "can I have an apple now" because often they ask just before dinner is ready because obviously they are hungry. Then I will say "no, dinner is almost ready, have it afterwards" and thats fine. But if it is say mid afternoon or mid morning then yes, they can have it.

Also, we were on a very tight budget for almost a year until recently and I simply couldnt afford a free for all. I needed to make sure that we had enough food for three meals a day including packed lunches. If there was no "check before you take" rule then there would be no cereal bars or yoghurts for lunches, not enough cheese for sandwiches etc

But its not because I am controlling what they eat, I am acting as Stock Controller and Financial Director so making sure we dont run out of food before we run out of money! I think that it teaches them a good lesson too about the fact that food and money are not inexhaustable and must be budgeted.

RevoltingPeasant - veganism is pretty much unheard of in France and she is a carnivore through and through... I'm not worried!