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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

328 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 06/07/2011 16:42

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am Shock at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

OP posts:
lockets · 06/07/2011 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maypole1 · 06/07/2011 18:09

We have that rule allowing a child to graze trough out the day is why they have to sell exercise bikes for children Hmm

They can help themselves to fruit of veg and drinks but have to ask for anything else I suspect when the op has children and is stood over a weeks worth of un touched dinners because they been eating all the chocolates she will be able to answer he own question

At my grate nans the kids are allowed to graze with had to go A&e twice due to this first time he was allowed to eat. 70 pack of Jaffa cakes as he is allowed to take with out asking and had chronic squirts and became dehydrated second time.

Helped himself to some pudding that had more than a generous helping of rum in it and was very very I'll.

foreverondiet · 06/07/2011 18:09

As a teenager we wanted to ask unless it was fruit or biscuits or crackers etc as was too easy to eat something my mum had bought to cook with for dinner...

happy2bhomely · 06/07/2011 18:11

The only thing my 4 have free access too is water. They are 10,7,3 and 16m. They even ask for ice cubes to go in the water!

I limit everything else, but they are welcome to ask for whatever they like. If I tell them no, then I give them my reason....too close to dinner, had enough sugar today, being plain greedy etc. They generally understand and I would never leave them feeling hungry. I'm not funny about food and we have a good diet overall. They are good eaters with pretty big appetites. Food is a very sociable thing in our home. We eat a lot but none of us are overweight at all, in fact the kids are skinny, (they were all BIG babies) other than the baby who is still very chubby.

As they get older I will change my approach and start asking them, 'Is that a good choice? Are you sure you want to eat 4 slices?' etc

LeQueen · 06/07/2011 18:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noir · 06/07/2011 18:13

Theres some patronising smug parents on this thread.

"Oh, bless you.. clearly no kids yet"? Maybe some people manage to teach their kids self-control so that they won't devour the contents of your cupboards within a nano-second if given a bit of independence. Just a thought.

fluffybutt · 06/07/2011 18:13

Mine ask, I've never really thought about it, they just do. Good manners IMO.

BalloonSlayer · 06/07/2011 18:14

Mine ask me, but it's more because of the When than the What.

I have no problem with them having snacks - yes!! even junk - but a lot of the time they would do so 20 minutes before tea, which they would then not eat.

How many times has it been: "Muuuuuum . . . can I have a chocolate bar/bowl of ice cream/the weight of a woolly mammoth in biscuits?" at 5pm when the dinner is actually in the oven. Thank God they actually DO ask.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 18:15

So how did you teach your DC self control when it comes to food without putting any constraints on them noir?

And if your last post wasn't patronising and smug, then I don't know what is...

buttonmoon78 · 06/07/2011 18:16

They ask in this house. If I didn't insist on that then they'd eat a week's worth of food in a day.

It's common courtesy anyway - manners begin at home!

LeQueen · 06/07/2011 18:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoTmania · 06/07/2011 18:18

Mine are 5, 4 and 2 - they constantly graze if given the opportunity. Particularly DS2 who fills up on fruit (this morning a banana and 2 apples before 9.30 Hmm) then doesn't eat meals. SO I limit him.
YABU IMO surely it's about teaching them sensible eating habits rather than letting them eat willy nilly? ALthough that said I only have good stuff in the house

LaWeasel · 06/07/2011 18:18

I don't know really.

DD is 2 and we are trying to teach her to ask because she has a tendency to raid the fridge and leave the door wide open, or set it to freezer cold and ruin all the veg... instead of just saying she's hungry so I can start the next meal a bit early for her.

But I would hope to be able to let her snack at will when she's older. I'm one of those people that needs to eat very regularly and if she is the same it would feel mean to make her ask everytime she wanted a piece of fruit or some toast (or even an ice cream, or some crisps)

Pagwatch · 06/07/2011 18:20

Hahahahaha

I probably would have agreed with you right up until the day my 15 year old came home after rugby training with 5 of his friends.

My children generally eat as they wish and are fairly sensible. But until you have watched the damage a starving 6 ft boy post rugby training can do then you can't really understand.

Dd gets home from 2 hours og gym and in that moment would consume a packet of biscuits. It is for me to guide her to a banana while I cook her something.
I don't see that as controlling.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 06/07/2011 18:22

Wow!! Just come back to this after work and thought I'd have about 8 responses....

Hmm, still not sure IABU

It's just courtesy to ask the person who is planning the meals

I suppose this is the difference for me: my mum didn't 'have control of the kitchen' in the sense that she bought all the food and planned all the meals. My sisters and I frequently did the food shop from the time I was about 11/12 (we took a wheely trolley and walked), and we not infrequently cooked dinner for ourselves. We also always made our own lunches for school - am a bit surprised at someone else making a kid of 16 a packed lunch!!

And we didn't eat our parents out of house and home. We knew that it was rude to eat all the chocolate or whatever, and if we ate our share in one day, that was it till the next week's shop.

And as for the argument that kids will learn no set eating patterns.... I was a health-conscious vegan for 7 years from the age of 18, and my middle sisters are both size 8s, so it hasn't had a disastrous effect! If anything, it helped us learn to plan what we ate/ how to shop.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 06/07/2011 18:22

My ds is a healthy slim 18 year old despite being able to help himself to snacks when she hungry

He knows what is off limits regarding food for dinners etc

bruffin · 06/07/2011 18:22

"Mine ask, I've never really thought about it, they just do. Good manners IMO."

So do mine (13 and 15) because it's good manners. They have been known to ring me at work to ask if they can have this or that, just in case I have other intentions for it. There are somethings they have free rein on ie bananas, but if there are strawberries I might be using those for dessert.

usualsuspect · 06/07/2011 18:22

hes*

LeQueen · 06/07/2011 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 06/07/2011 18:24

when visiting my Mum's I would always ask if I could help myself to a snack

But LeQ, not being arsey or anything (really!! :) ) but surely your DCs are not 'visiting' your house Hmm? I would ask my mum now, too, because it is her house and not my home anymore, although she clearly finds it a bit odd when I do this - and tbh, if I was in her home alone, I'd just help myself and obviously not touch stuff she might want later. But when I was a kid, it was my home too, not a hotel!

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 06/07/2011 18:25

I think the main reason I expect kids to ask when old enough is so you know what's gone and what hasn't, and can say if they want something you need for a meal. Not ideal if there's no milk at 7 am for porridge, or no cheese when you're making baked potatoes for supper.

Other than that I agree with you. Eat when hungry seems sensible to me.

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 18:25

Grin at 'still not sure IABU' after the majority of posters say you are.

Stick to your guns OP, we're all vipers anyway Grin

usualsuspect · 06/07/2011 18:27

My grown up DDS raid my cupboards when they come to visit me Grin

LeQueen · 06/07/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 06/07/2011 18:29

My DC's have a snack after school - they know to get a drink, biscuit or toast and choose a piece of fruit if I am not in. They do not go raiding the crisps /chocolates, etc, because they know that if they did, there wouldn't be any for treats.

I give them 3 proper meals a day, or sometimes one of them cooks what we have agreed on.

Is that controlling?