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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ironing is part of a SAHM's chores?

168 replies

TillyIpswitch · 05/07/2011 06:54

OK, argue back with me people - and tell me IABU!!

I have recently taken up a full time SAHM positionWWIth 2 DC (2 and 11 months).

Before this i was in a full time job, very good salary, yada, yada, but we've recently immigrated (to my home country) so gave that up. Now, the full time Mum gig I can get in board with, but the housewifery bit... eeehh...

But what can you do? Surely if you're the one at home full time, and bringing in no income to the house, then swiping an iron over a few shirts is part and parcel?

I often see threads where people say they won't iron their DH's shirts but it seems a bit churlish to me to pick the DH's stuff out of the ironing pile and leave it for him.

My DH would never expect, let alone ask me to do his ironing, but I dunno, if I was in his position I honestly think I'd be privately thinking, 'you really can't do it...?'

For the record, I'm not some Stepford wife; I'm a long-time feminist trying to get my head around my new role, and yes, I do realise that you can do or not do whatever you want, housework-wise in the privacy of your own home but it would be good to hear from any other SAHMs if they have an particular tasks that they flat out refuse to do and your rationale.

OP posts:

JanMorrow · 05/07/2011 21:51

I barely use the iron at all! Only if something I'm about to put on is hideously creased because I've left it in a pile somewhere! Himself irons his own work shirts as he goes along.

Ironing is deathly dull.

messybessie · 05/07/2011 21:56

This is a bugbear of mine, although I do work part time so not really a SAHM.

Am happy to take on lion's share of childcare, organisation etc but ironing really gets me. Before we had children, we both worked full time in well paid jobs and DH always managed to find the time to iron his own shirts. Now, suddenly because I have given birth I'm better equipped to do it.

TheFeministsWife · 05/07/2011 22:20

I'm a SAHM. I hate housework and avoid it as much possible I'd much rather spend my time on Mumsnet playing with the little darlings. But seen as a cleaner is something we can't afford I have to grit my teeth and get on with the bare minimum it. I only iron uniforms, everything can stay bloody creased! So I'm ironing dd's uniform I'll iron DH's work shirt too as I'm already ironing. Have told DSD she can sod off though if she thinks I'm ironing all her work gear too, she's big enough to do it herself.

petisa · 06/07/2011 01:10

I'm always baffled by the "it's not hard to keep the house in order with kids around" type comments. Wtf am I doing wrong?? I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old and I'd have to stay up til one in the morning to have a clean, tidy house. And as for ironing? Don't own an iron...

thumbwitch · 06/07/2011 01:19

petisa - it's just another phrase used to get ordinary women to beat themselves up with. Ignore it. :)

whatever17 · 06/07/2011 01:32

I think it depends on your financial situation.

Your children are very young indeed and I think, in my opinion, that you are right to stay home with them. Because a) why not and b) you would have to earn A LOT of money to make it worth leaving two little babies with someone else.

And it would probably kill you, maybe one day a week you might enjoy.

Anyway, your husband needs his shirts for work, at the moment he is supporting all of you, as he should.

If you can spare the money to send his shirts out (which is about £2 per shirt) I would.

You and the kids can wear "folded" clothes. If you can invest in a big American dryer that will save you a lot of bother. Just run an iron over his shirt only.

You are doing an enormous job looking after 2 babies!

If you have any money - get a cleaner!

whatever17 · 06/07/2011 01:40

My kids are 11 and 20 - the house is always "OK" now. But when they were babies it was like a Chinese laundry with clothes everywhere.

The best thing I ever did was buy an American style dryer (big drum) (about £300). I put everything on the twirly to get it almost dry and then finish it in the dryer. I listen for the "beep" and run to fold everything.

I dont need to iron anything. If I had a husband that needed shirts for work I would get them out quick, hang them up and run an iron over them. But for me and the kids is OK.

Original poster

TillyIpswitch · 06/07/2011 02:46

Thanks so much for your input everyone - I'm quite happy to have been told IABU!

I should add that DH takes care of the vast bulk of household paperwork. So, after we've (both) put the little ones to bed, I tend to get on with dinner, while he sits at the laptop and stays on top of that.

Hearing all these replies has helped crystallise my thoughts, and I do think we have a fair split, currently. Everything gets done and we both do our fair share. DH is also very generous - and generally just a very good person who'd in no way take the piss in terms of getting out of doing stuff.

I'm still struggling to get my head around how much you (generic) revert to gender stereotypes in these sorts of set ups and I guess it just goes against a lot of my feminist principles, especially as I have been financially independent, and done well in my career, for so long now. The role of SAHP is largely thankless - albeit thankless in a direct way - unlike the thanks and recognition you get at work. Which, I must admit, is a real motivating factor for me. You know, what you do only tends to get noticed when it doesn't get done. When everything's ticking along efficiently as it should do, then not so much....

I do have to say that if I had a DH who expected me to do anything, he would not be my DH. And as for ironing baby clothes....

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/07/2011 02:56

Yeah, I find the inability to get the housework done incredibly frustrating in part because it's at least tangible. If I ended the day with a gleaming house, bread dough rising on the counter, ironed clothes and possibly a charming little oil painting part-done on the easel, I'd at least be able to say Look This Is What I Did. "Hi honey, the kids are still alive" doesn't seem to hold the same cachet.

The thing for me has been accepting that's the way it is for a while, and actually reading the responses of the It's Easy To Do Everything brigade have been quite helpful, because it's clear to me that we're working with different parameters.

petisa · 06/07/2011 09:17

Thanks thumbwitch, I feel better now! My dp is working abroad and we only see him every few months atm and I have a v sore back atm so am feeling more overwhelmed than usual, so I really appreciate the reassurance.

I agree OP, I would be absolutely furious if my dp "expected" me to iron or whatever. He always says he doesn't care as long as the girls are looked after and happy I do what I can, with the priority being looking after the girls and entertaining them, as that's what I'm really a SAHM for. As for housework, first priority for me is cooking healthy meals, then keeping bathroom, kitchen and floors clean, chucking toys in boxes when poss, and the rest can fecking wait, quite frankly! It's constant firefighting. I don't need to iron, but if I did I would really struggle to have time tbh.

biddysmama · 06/07/2011 09:20

sahm means stay at home MUM, as long as the children are all in one piece and fed by the end of the day ive done my jab, anything else is a bonus

thumbwitch · 06/07/2011 10:02

petisa - that sounds hard work! How old are your DDs? Can they not pick up their own toys at least? I make DS do his - he's 3 and although he needs a lot of telling over and over encouragement, he's pretty good at it. :)

minipie · 06/07/2011 11:42

"What, and who, are you a SAHM for? Is it for your children, or for your husband?"

This is an interesting question Tortoise. Clearly for you the answer is for your DC - and therefore you spend all your time giving them one-on-one interaction, even if that means most household stuff doesn't get done.

(Btw, how do you manage to be a SAHM and the main breadwinner? Have I missed something? )

But in my case, if I were to be a SAHM, it wouldn't be quite like that. The idea would be that I would deal with the majority of house and childcare stuff, so that my DH was able to do his long-hours job (which would be financially supporting us all) and spend a lot of his non-working time with the DC, rather than DH having to deal with 50% of domestic chores at the expense of work and DC-time. So, for us, it would be important that I got quite a lot of domestic stuff done if I can, even if that meant I had to ignore the DCs' demands for a bit.

(Obviously this does not include when the children need attention - I am taking about when you have an actual choice between attending to the DC and putting on a laundry load. How often you have that choice depends on your child - I realise it's not going to happen if you have a colicy baby or 3 under 5s).

share · 06/07/2011 11:47

Basically I see a SAHM as doing as much as possible, children first, housework second and if possible all done so that when the family are together ie not at school/work then we have time just to be together doing whatever we choose as a family or individuals.

upahill · 06/07/2011 11:49

Surely if you are at home most of the day you would do the tidying up.
(whether you were male or female - gender is irrelevant)
It would follow that the person at work has done 10 hours work (approx) it wouldn't be fair for them to start with the hoovering and mopping the floor and cooking tea.

Yeah yeah I know you have a child/children to look after but you can still do the majority of chores with children - But countless thousands of people have managed without being precious about it.
It would then follow the more time the two of you have to spend together or as a family once work and the housework are out the way.

Or maybe once the working parent comes home they to would like to spend time helping out with childcare but if the general tidying up isn't done how can they do that.

Hey what do I care!! We have our own system in our house which is everyone mucks in and gets on with things and helps each other.

Find your own balance!

Funtimewincies · 06/07/2011 11:58

Hang on, where does it say that SAHP means that you're actually staying at home as in in the house, all day ?

Rev084 · 06/07/2011 13:56

I'm a SAHM with a 5week old DS and 2.10yr old DD. I currently have resigned all cooking and odd pile of dishes to my DP or we'll have ready meal/takeaway. He irons his own shirts, its a 5min job which he's quite capable of doing himself. I don't iron my own clothes or the kids as we don't really have those type of clothes, and if you straighten them out before drying on the line, theres little need.

I see this as fair as I'm up a few times at night and breastfeeding pretty regurlarly night and day. I make sure the house is in a reasonably clean and tidy state, hoover, mop the floors and clean the bathroom. I was much more actively cooking full meals and cleaning up until 9 months pregnant as well as taking my daughter out to entertain her so now I'm happy to let things slide a bit especially as I'm recovering from a 2nd EMCS. Health is wealth and I'm only human.

petisa · 06/07/2011 16:13

Thumbwitch my dds are 10 months and 3 years old and I'm a SAHM. The house is always like an explosion in a toy factory, and I could probably put some away but tbh I don't really mind the mess. I do ask my 3 year old to tidy a hundred times and she does a bit, but quickly gets distracted by the next game she wants to play!

We go out every morning and in the afternoon I like to play with the girls for a while too, and by the time we have done that and I have cooked and cleaned up after 3 meals, and I feed dd2 to sleep for morning and afternoon naps and for bed, which takes about 30 mins each time, there is so little time for housework! And I do like to have an hour or two to myself each day or I'd go insane, I don't think that makes me lazy! Ironing? Stuff that!

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