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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but am prepared to be told I am if the MN Jury thinks so

477 replies

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 02/07/2011 16:24

DD1 is 12, she is at her dad's this weekend, and has gone to her grandmother as they have a farm and it is silage time.

She has just sent me a picture of herself in overalls DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH A TRAILER ON IT

I have texted her and she is delighted to be allowed to cart the "near home" fields where she doesn't have to go on the road.

I am most displeased about this. I think it's dangerous and irresponsible.

But past conversations with ex when DS was this age did not go well, as he cannot see the problem nor can his family. They all did it at that age.

So, oh MN July, AIBU to think she's too young, it's too much responsibility and far too dangerous?

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 20:50

Maryz, again you're dead right.

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bizzieb33 · 03/07/2011 20:52

I know someone who rolled their small 'safe' yard tractor...

apparently the oilcaps were not fixed on as strongly in the past as on modern tractors. Boiling oil pouring out on to trapped experienced adult farmer driver.

Your dd might be safer on the big scary looking tractor.

Inertia · 03/07/2011 20:53

Maryz- I agree with you that the most effective course of action would be if the OP could educate her DD about the issue to the extent that her DD could then say that she doesn't want to drive the tractor, and explain why.

If DD doesn't have the maturity to take all that on board, she isn't mature enough to drive a tractor IMO.

I'd worry, though, that they'd try to bully her into doing it anyway- they seem to have form for bullying and humiliating people who don't agree with them. Which is why Gnome's point about the involvement of the authorities is so important.

Gillybean- that's a very valid point- if they are that short of labour why is her dad playing cricket?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 20:55

Her Dad is playing cricket because he plays cricket every Saturday in the summer, 3 nights a week from March and training in the winter. He has a commitment to his team, don't you understand? He has to go and play cricket, it's not an optional activity.

Hmm
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Animation · 03/07/2011 20:56

OP - I think your main issue here is dealing with your bullying inlaws. You're not happy, and don't want your dd to drive a tractor - that's far enough. Do you want us to help you deal with in-laws.

There's no point arguing here about what is and isn't the law. At the end of the day you need to express your concerns to the in-laws - you don't want her driving the tractor.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 20:56

They will tell DD1 over and over that I know nothing, that their experience tells them it's safe and that I am stupid and what do I know blah blah blah - been through it with DS and the undermining made my disciplining of him quite difficult for a while tbh

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 20:58

Animation - I have told my ex and his brother and my MIL (FIL now deceased) til I am blue in the face that I do not want my kids driving tractors until they are old enough to do so safely. I had a massive row over DS doing the same at roughly the same age, they had him on the ROAD at 14.

I will not win that argument - I have told them and told them and told them and told them - I am not happy with it, it is dangerous, child is too young, I don't think it's safe - the answer is "you don't know you're not from the country you're a stupid townie"

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Animation · 03/07/2011 21:03

Well then I think you have to work on your daughter then - or else keep her away from the farm until she is 13.

This family are being quite disrespectful to you.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 21:07

Animation - no argument there. It's one of the reason's they are the ex in-laws.

They are well aware of how I feel about DD doing things like driving the tractors. There are plenty of other issues that they are well aware of how I feel about and they have always (even when I was married) chosen to ignore my feelings. Ex did the same.

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 21:56

Just tried to have a conversation with him. He phoned to see what they needed to bring here tomorrow because they are here for the next 2 weeks.

He was being all arsey about where was I going on holiday, what would I be doing, contact number, demanding DP's mobile all sorts of stuff. He was with his solicitor and "just happened to ask at the end of the consultation" and the first thing the solicitor said that I might not bring them back and what guarantees did he have Shock even though I'm allowed to take them away on holiday for 2 weeks and he was just demanding the "exact plans" we've made (we haven't made exact plans.)

I got cross and said "well I've a load of questions I could ask of you and things I could say to you about DD and farming and why you let her drive a tractor and why you dump them on your mum every weekend so you can play cricket. I don't ask and I trust you to take care of them why can't you let me do the same and I think we should take it back to court and get a determination of the situation then.

But apparently that's being ridiculous and silly and immature. As far as he is concerned, there's not an issue with DD driving the tractor and if I want I can take it as far as I feel I need to but I'm on a loser.

I have a headache.

OP posts:
Maryz · 03/07/2011 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:03

Maryz - that's exactly how I feel. I don't LIKE that he dumps her on his mum in the summer to play cricket, it's hardly his access time is it? And I especially don't like her driving the machinery - but I am, as I said up the thread, just going to have to suck it up. Sad

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:04

And I knew trying to talk to him would be a bad idea, but he was getting all angry and arsey about me taking them on holiday

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hormonalmum · 03/07/2011 22:07

I havent read the whole post but ime (farmers daughter) there will probably be a lot of other people around.
My brother and I were only allowed on flat fields. My brother was driving in flat fields at 10 with a field of farmworkers around.
My ds (3) goes in the tractor with his uncle - again only on the flat and when using implements requiring slower speeds.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:08

And he said "talk to whoever you like but you have to prove that DD is driving the tractor"

And I know that at 12 she's over the age of criminal responsiblity.

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GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2011 22:10

hormonalmum you should have read the rest of the thread. In the UK & Ireland your son's uncle is breaking the law. No footnotes, no caveats, just breaking the law.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:12

Gnome - you beat me to it.

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GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2011 22:20

OP - keep talking to your DD & DS. Keep educating them. I guess that farming will be part of their future. Get through to them that trying to operate machinery without the full allowance of limbs and digits is less than efficient.

When you speak with HSE be open with them. Explain the situation. It wont be unique.

Keep talking to your DCs. This is about their safety.

GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2011 22:20

Sorry OP!

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:23

Gnome - DS is a big enough boy to look after himself. Grin

I am going to keep talking to DD, and I'll ring HSE in the morning and see what they say if I put forward a hypothetical situation.

I just feel really caught in the middle and It's making me feel ill

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RitaMorgan · 03/07/2011 22:25

I am really suprised by the responses here! YANBU at all.

No way would I want my 12 year old unsupervised driving a tractor and trailer. Farms are dangerous places, your DS has already had an accident.

I doubt many of the posters saying how lovely and rural this is would send their own children off in a tractor on their own.

Omigawd · 03/07/2011 22:31

Blimey - the cotton wool brigade have got into quite a tizzy since i was last here :)

What you all need is a good healthy dose of statistics!

The HSE notes that forty-five children and young people have died and more than 400 have been seriously injured on UK farms in the last ten years, ie about 1 death and 4 injuries per year for kids and youg adults. Many of those are from inexperienced farm vistors, not just farm kids.

2,671 kids were killed (81) or injured (2,590) on the roads alone in one year (2009), of which 1,660 were pedestrians - and that was 8% down on 2008. About 5% of the population are in on the farms, so farming is at least 4x safer than the roads for deaths and c 30x safer for injuries. And I haven't counted other types of injuries to kids.

Hope that puts your mind somewhat at rest OP.

GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2011 22:32

I totally feel for you. You are just wanting your ex and his family to behave like normal sensible people. Why is it so hard?

Omigawd · 03/07/2011 22:32

Sorry that should read 4.5 deaths and 40 injuries on farms per year.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 22:37

Gnome - I don't know why it's so hard.

Omigawd - what do you think of the FACT that it is illegal for DD to be driving the tractor? Isn't that relevant at all? Or do governments just set the age even on private land at 13/14 for fun?

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