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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but am prepared to be told I am if the MN Jury thinks so

477 replies

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 02/07/2011 16:24

DD1 is 12, she is at her dad's this weekend, and has gone to her grandmother as they have a farm and it is silage time.

She has just sent me a picture of herself in overalls DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH A TRAILER ON IT

I have texted her and she is delighted to be allowed to cart the "near home" fields where she doesn't have to go on the road.

I am most displeased about this. I think it's dangerous and irresponsible.

But past conversations with ex when DS was this age did not go well, as he cannot see the problem nor can his family. They all did it at that age.

So, oh MN July, AIBU to think she's too young, it's too much responsibility and far too dangerous?

OP posts:
Omigawd · 03/07/2011 11:00

Ah, a classic townie vs country attitude conflict, with a good dose of the "men are bastards" and the "cotton wool" brigades thrown in :)

Remember this is about DD, not justifying townie angst or point scoring off the evil XH, if it were me I would celebrate her enthusiasm and new found confidence when she comes back and privately have a word with XH that you don't want her on the tractors again until it's legal.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 11:03

Omigawd - have had words with him before about kids on tractors illegally. He will take no notice.

OP posts:
RafaNadalIsMyLoveSlave · 03/07/2011 11:13

Animation - your responses are very strange Hmm

Are you essentially saying that it is acceptable for a family to facilitate a child in breaking the law as long as she is 'delighted' by it? Presumably it would be acceptable for her to drive a car on the roads at the age of 12 if that delighted her too?

RafaNadalIsMyLoveSlave · 03/07/2011 11:16

Yes, it is of course because some of us are townies and part of the 'cotton wool brigade' that we would be uneasy with a 12 year old driving a tractor illegally. Hmm

I think the OP knows that it is about her DD and that might - just might, of course - be why she is a touch worried?

Some people on this thread are bonkers.

Omigawd · 03/07/2011 11:23

Well, I grew up in the country so must admit I find the modern suburban cotton wool attitude largely ridiculous. Also, UK Elf and Safety law is a complete abortion not always the best reference point, in fact it seems like there are strong moves to change a lot of it.

But you have 2 options - deny access arguing that they are doing illegal things, or letting her go and letting your concerns be known, but accepting you and XH disagree.

I wouldn't make anonyomous allegations, they will know it was you.

I suggest the latter is the better course of action, and I would suck it up because otherwise you will strain your relationship with your DCs

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 11:27

Omigawd - I am sucking it up.

OP posts:
Maryz · 03/07/2011 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 12:15

Maryz- you are dead right there Smile

She's very sensible, and really has her head screwed on, but at the end of the day she is 12. I lost the argument with DS and I know there's no point in even starting with DD.

I feel like when she gets back I might as well just hand her the car keys and tell her to get on with it

OP posts:
Inertia · 03/07/2011 13:36

FMP, you can do something about it.

You can report them to the HSE equivalent, or get your solicitor to write to the family pointing out that they are breaking the law. I understand that they are horribly controlling and undermine you at every step - that's why these authorities are there, to ensure people act within the law without citizens having to fight every battle single handed.

Your DD might well enjoy driving tractors - but she is a minor, and so not legally responsible for making that decision - just like she isn't allowed to do other things that are illegal at her age, such as smoke or drink alcohol or drive on the road. It's the parent's job to ensure their child is safe - not being employed as untrained , underage , uninsured labour.

I think your fear of the family is allowing you to pretend you can't protect your child.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 13:39

Inertia - yes I could report them, but all that would happen is that DD would be encouraged to lie to me about what is going on. As I have said, Been There Done That Got the T-shirt with DS.

I cannot protect her when she is with her dad and in his care, at the end of the day it's his call what he allows to happen when she's with him. If I try to put restrictions on what he can do, I would be called controlling and micro-managing (as I have been further up the thread)

OP posts:
Maryz · 03/07/2011 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 13:50

Thank you Maryz - that's a very good summary.

OP posts:
Bigglewinkle · 03/07/2011 15:34

Just to give you a virtual MN hug fuckme. You're in a tricky situation.
I support others who have suggested talking to DD, if she's as mature as you say then perhaps appealing to her sensible side is the best option. I just about remember beinmg 12 and I'd have been able to handle that kind of chat. You could suggest things she could say to not drive it again until she's bigger, or something.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 17:49

Thanks Biggle. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 03/07/2011 18:14

OP - you are in a terrible position given that your ex and his family are behaving so irresponsibly. Before giving up on the HSE is it worth giving them a call and explaining the situation to them and see what they can advise? I suspect your situation is not unique. If they offer no sort of help then at least you tried.

Tell your daughter what the law is. Explain to her what the risks are. This doesnt just apply to driving the tractor but also to other aspects of farm work. Keep repeating it. You will be taking your job as a responsible parent seriously. It is a shame that your ex cant manage this.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 18:27

Thanks Gnome - I do feel in a very difficult place with it all.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 03/07/2011 18:34

haven't read whole thread but.

When I was eleven I drove my dad's landrover down a deserted but open road - sitting on his lap obviously but still... and I have been blind since birth. Grin

Personally I think there's nothing wrong with it and that as parents we are far too precious - twenty years ago nobody would say anything about a twelve yo driving a tractor on a farm but now we must see the dangers around every corner.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 19:12

I just wonder how many people who are happy with it would like it if it was their own child.

OP posts:
Inertia · 03/07/2011 19:13

FMP - I'm not trying to get at you, honestly. Your gut instinct to protect your child is totally correct. Given that you were shouted down when trying to protect your son, and he then crashed and was stuck for hours, do you want your DD in the same danger?

I agree that DDs father has care of her and should be responsible for her. But he's put her in charge of agricultural machinery and then vanished, while she carries out work that is illegal at her age. What kind of illegal work would you draw the line at your ex getting your DD to do ?

You have the photo, how about emailing it to HSE to ask their advice?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 19:18

Yes Inertia I understand all that, I really really do. But all that would happen is that she would lie to me.

And I'm not saying I won't go to HSE but that would totally destroy any chance of any sort of even remotely pleasant relationship with my ex - it would all go totally nuclear.

OP posts:
Inertia · 03/07/2011 19:45

I guess it's then down to weighing up the risks involved- the fallout from you not wanting your DD to drive the tractor+trailer versus the potential fallout from a possible serious accident. It's a judgement call that only you can make.

I just wanted to reassure you that your views are equally as valid as your ex's when your child's safety is at stake - and the law has the final say. They are frightening you and intimidating you in to going along with something dangerous and illegal-it doesn't make you wrong, it makes them bullies.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 19:51

Thanks Inertia - I know they're bullies, 20-odd years of experience tells me that.

I just need to make a judgement call about whether it is worth the balance - there's one more cut of silage, maybe 2 each year. Each cut lasts 3 or 4 days depending on the weather. She will be back at school for the last cut, so it isnt something that is going to happen regularly.

I just don't think it's a battle I'm going to win, sadly.

OP posts:
Animation · 03/07/2011 20:00

Fuckmepinkand CALLmegoran.

I get the feeling that these x-inlaws are not very nice people really - and that that's a big issue in itself - because you can't really talk to them or feel you're going to be being taken seriously.

Animation · 03/07/2011 20:01

You're not going to be taken seriously.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 03/07/2011 20:03

They don't see the issue, they've always done it like this, I am the stupid townie etc etc

They have never treated me properly but that is a whole other thread.

FWIW just posted on a thread about someone taking a child in a car without a carseat, where the OP is considering phoning the police as it's so unsafe and illegal - funny how on this thread so many people think it's different.

OP posts: