I don't think I am but am prepared to be told I am if the MN Jury thinks so

[fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran]

DD1 is 12, she is at her dad's this weekend, and has gone to her grandmother as they have a farm and it is silage time.

She has just sent me a picture of herself in overalls DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH A TRAILER ON IT

I have texted her and she is delighted to be allowed to cart the "near home" fields where she doesn't have to go on the road.

I am most displeased about this. I think it's dangerous and irresponsible.

But past conversations with ex when DS was this age did not go well, as he cannot see the problem nor can his family. They all did it at that age.

So, oh MN July, AIBU to think she's too young, it's too much responsibility and far too dangerous?

I only found out on Saturday she was driving the big tractor. She has been with her dad since then I have not had a conversation with her yet I haven't seen her. I have had a few texts (as I said at the start) saying how excited she was and I responded along the lines of "make sure you're careful and have a good time"

The thing is Animation, driving the tractor now on the farm leads to "oh just go to that field there where you just have to drive up the road 200 yards and across to the next field lane" and then it's "just over to the other house" then it's like what happened to DS and by 13/14 they are driving tractors on the road.

For me, this is the thin end of the wedge, the start of it - I can't explain it any other way. Once she's been allowed to break one law, then the next step is easier does that make sense? If it was up to me, I'd stop it now til she's of legal age. But it isn't. Which is, as I've said, frustrating.

I know that once she's driven this cut of silage and not had any major mishaps, the next cut will be the driving across the road and up to the next lane and the one after will be only half a mile on the road to the next field. Do you understand?

Yes, far enough if you don't want her to do it - you have to have a sit down with her and tell her.

The reason I'm so angry is because I know from experience with DS what's going to happen and she will be driving a tractor on the roads unsupervised within a few months.

I can talk to her and tell her I don't like it, it's illegal - just like I did with DS - and I fully expect - just like with DS - that I will be ignored, my views won't be respected and what I say will be disregarded.

It's a total deja vue, here we go again scenario for me. I lost the argument the last time and was belittled and put down by them, and the same thing is going to happen all over again now with DD. And with DD2 in another 3 or so years.

I would be angry if I were you too.

I know farms as well, more livestock, but at 11 I was standing on the back of a truck chucking the hay bales out not driving the bloody thing. There were other people there, if there was an accident they could get help...

They are being unbelievable stupid. But with the legals and the exinlaws being probably uninterested, you're probably best to find out as much as you can about what she should be doing to stay safe and prepping her in that.

I can't believe stats are being used to prove that this is ok . The stats might be quite low for children to be killed or injured on a farm but the fact that the stats exist proves that it does happen. fuckmepink wants to prevent her daughter becoming one of those stats I'd imagine. Also, farm accident stats and road accident stats aren't comparable imo as the number of cars on the road to children in tractors is going to be far far greater, therefore causing accidents rates to be higher.

The child should not be driving the tractor. I understand that some people deem this to be acceptable but the op makes a very good point in that it is the trailer that is the problem. Driving a car with a small 2 foot trailer attached changes the way the car handles so fuck only knows how a silage trailer changes the handling of a tractor. All it would take is a divot to unbalance the trailer or for the child to speed up a bit to catch up with the harvester and it could be absolute carnage.

"and I fully expect - just like with DS - that I will be ignored, my views won't be respected and what I say will be disregarded."

Why is your dd going to ignore you?

I drive a car with a horsebox or caravan on it at times. It is difficult. Turning corners requires more thought. You have to think about where the end of the trailer and the sides of it are all the time. And I find it incredibly difficult to reverse with a trailer on. She has to reverse in quite a tight space to get to the silo to tip the trailer.

Animation- because, as I have said, like with DS, she will be told I am stupid and I don't know what I am talking about. As I have said, when DS was similar age and started to cart on the roads, my FIL circumvented my express instruction that he wasn't to do so. I refused to run DS to to the farm to cut the silage on a Thursday evening, I said he had to go to school. FIL picked him up from school on the Friday and I was phoned when he got there to say he was there and would be doing silage.

What DS was told was "your mam doesn't know what she's talking about don't tell her what she doesn't know won't hurt her" that kind of thing.

I have been there done that got the t-shirt

" because, as I have said, like with DS, she will be told I am stupid and I don't know what I am talking about"

But what's your relationship like with dd - can you negotiate this with her?

As I have said, Animation, I am going to talk to her when she gets here.

But from her point of view, every other adult in her family is telling her it's fine and I am the lone dissenting voice.

I'd be interested to know how many of the people saying let her carry on have either done the same thing at that age, or even driven a car and large caravan.

Fuckme - have read some of the posts in more detail and I can't believe the grief you're being given.

I can' t believe that your continued concern is being seen as "wanting to carry on with a fight". Good Lord.

I know that if my kids were being told their mum was 'stupid' - they wouldn't be too pleased and wouldn't want to cooperate with their grandparents. They would be indignant and probably wouldn't want to go.

Thank you Gooseberrybushes, I found that particular comment extremely upsetting.

FWIW I didn't go charging down to the farm on Saturday and lift the kids or anything - I just came on here to say AIBU to think this is dangerous.

Somehow that makes me controlling and she's having a great time and I am a spoilsport

I really am not like that at all I'm just trying to do my best to co-parent with someone who on this issue and others has very different views and opinions to me.

It seems that your ex sets out to wind you up for sport - I think with things like the hotel number, DPs number you could try being non-commital ( 'I'll get back to you on that' ) and then ignoring.

I think the contact details might be an attempt to divert your attention from the tractor driving.

Yes Animation, probably that would hold true for your kids.

But my kids have always been told that I am unreasonable and a spoil sport and worse by my ex-inlaws. And my ex never challenged any of it. Neither my ex nor his family have any respect for me and my views, they never did. It's one of the main reasons I am divorced.

This is why I'm asking what your relationship is like with your dd. Or do you feel she has effectively been hyjacked by the grandparents?

Inertia - the problem with giving him the number of where we are staying is that we are staying in a holiday house owned by DP's family and I really don't want to give ex the number because of that.

You could be right about the distraction.

Animation - she will listen to me when she's here.

But then she'll go there and be put under horrific pressure to help out/do what she's told. She's 12 not an adult.

I found them an incredibly hard family to stand up to things on. Various things, small things, big things, and I was an adult. It's a big ask for a 12 year old.

I can't imagine your 12-year-old standing up to her dad and entire extended family in refusing to drive a tractor. You can't ask or expect her to do it, I don't know why people think that's a good solution. It's unfair to suggest, as people have, that you take her aside and "deal with it" through her. Obviously you have to say - I think this is unsafe, it worries me etc etc but to really challenge it? Yet again you will have to do it and you will be painted as the crazy spoilsport paranoid mum. Is there anyone, anyone else at all, who can can enlist to support you?

x post but I can picture the situation very well

Fuckmepink: sorry if you have answered this earlier but can you stop her going? You have been very forbearing and now this is a terribly unsafe situation which you are not happy with and which is against the law. You must have the law on your side in restricting access under such circs. How would that play with your daughter?

In fact I can't really see that your relationship with your dd is that relevant, except in the reaction to how she'd feel about having access restricted. It's not to do with a mother-daughter relationship: it's to do with a parent encouraging a child to do something illegal and dangerous. No self-analysis or examination required.