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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but am prepared to be told I am if the MN Jury thinks so

477 replies

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 02/07/2011 16:24

DD1 is 12, she is at her dad's this weekend, and has gone to her grandmother as they have a farm and it is silage time.

She has just sent me a picture of herself in overalls DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH A TRAILER ON IT

I have texted her and she is delighted to be allowed to cart the "near home" fields where she doesn't have to go on the road.

I am most displeased about this. I think it's dangerous and irresponsible.

But past conversations with ex when DS was this age did not go well, as he cannot see the problem nor can his family. They all did it at that age.

So, oh MN July, AIBU to think she's too young, it's too much responsibility and far too dangerous?

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:03

There isn't anyone Gooseberry.

I don't think I have the right to stop her going - legally I mean. I don't know.

And I have her for half the hols, he has her for half, so I might get lucky and the next cut might fall in my time iyswim?

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:05

Maybe you could arrange it that way, make a demand and say it fits in with your holidays rather than the real reason.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:06

Can't really Goose, because it depends on the weather and how fast the grass grows. It's different dates every year iyswim?

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:07

Well, I think you're right. I don't like the idea of cotton woolling children, I'm all for a bit of risk and independence, but this is unnecessary.

Animation · 04/07/2011 09:08

I personally don't think you can make a kid drive a tractor if they don't want to. It's all in their body language.

ShoutyHamster · 04/07/2011 09:09

You have the photo and her own texts to you saying that she was driving and taking the trailer. At 12.

So it doesn't matter that they would lie or get her to lie, you could take that evidence to the HSE and get them fined.

You could also choose to stop contact on the grounds that what he actually does is leave her with relatives (thus not actually having contact) who then break the law regarding her safety (thus he is neither properly caring for her or seeing that she is properly cared for). The law would be on your side here. And given your last post I think that you have the moral right too. This really isn't about you having a reason to stop contact or flex your muscles (which they seem to be doing constantly). They seem to see her as a bit of a prize to be won here- putting her under pressure? Encouraging her to disrespect you? Not really having her best interests at heart, regardless of individual views about personal safety.

You are obviously pretty nervous of them and so it is hard to say 'Do this!'. You have to feel that the good outwieghs the bad. Also, your kids are halfway grown up - there aren't many more years of this kind of powerplay to go.

But I don't necessarily think that keeping quiet in order to not 'lose' your daughter is the way to go. They are putting her in danger. I would be making sure that she is aware that by calling you boring, telling her you don't need to know things, that they are trying to cause discord at home - not something loving grandparents should be doing. You could and maybe should start explaining to her that they have their own agenda, and that she should never feel that she can't tell you anything, and that you understand the pressure she comes under whilst there. And explain to her exactly WHY the laws are there.

She is only 12. She deserves to be safe and have her own home life respected by her other family. Perhaps start talking to authority (your own solicitor?) about getting tougher here. God knows they could do with being slapped down a bit, if only to give them a bit of a taste of their own medicine. They sound insufferable. Well done on getting divorced, and no don't give your ex the number - why should you? He can't argue that he needs to know that she is safe, because he has demonstrated that he is happy for her to NOT be safe - quite categorically.

ShoutyHamster · 04/07/2011 09:10

outweighs

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:10

Animation - she's 12. She thinks it's fun and a great idea. Of course she does she's a child.

Have you never ever made your child do something they didn't want to? I have (thinking cleaning room etc etc). That's what will happen to her she will be told there's no one else to do it, the job has to be done, you have to do it.

How many of you at 12 would have really really stood your ground with an adult in a position of authority who was telling you what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:12

Shouty - at 12 she's of age of criminal responsibility. She could end up with a criminal record as well as them Sad

Which I intend to tell her when she gets here btw.

I am off on hols tomorrow, but I will stew on it while I'm away and probably see the solicitor when I get back.

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ShoutyHamster · 04/07/2011 09:13

Oh and I would think that if you got them fined for this, you would be in a strong position to have a court order set in place which requires your ex to be present and supervising when they are at the farm, and to preclude your ex inlaws to be in sole charge of your DD.

Which after the hideous disrespect they have shown you in the past, I would personally find quite satisfying.

ShoutyHamster · 04/07/2011 09:16

Criminal responsibility - hadn't thought of that!

Yes, see a solicitor. You really have very strong grounds here to get some sort of court order, especially if you get them fined successfully.

And really, twhen it comes to the ex-inlaws, it's not as if there's any relationship to sour by the look of it... the only after effect will perhaps be them realising that they can't actually walk all over you!

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:16

If I posted my ex takes my 2 year old in car with no car seat I would get total support on here.

I don't really see the difference?

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:19

There is no difference.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:20

So why am I a spoilsport and a control freak who has to analyse her relationship with her daughter??

(not aimed at you goose btw have pm'd you)

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Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:22

Smile I hope hamster's advice helps. The idea that the "body language" means she is doing this of her own volition and ought to be given headway no matter what the safety aspects are - well that's just bizarre and I think you should feel reasonably comfortable ignoring it.

Animation · 04/07/2011 09:26

The way I see it I think you need to work on getting stronger and more empowered, and build on your relationship with your kids so that you're a team. It concerns me that they don't mind these people putting you down in front of them.

Tractor aside, if it was me they were calling stupid - I wouldn't be having any of it and would keep dd away from the farm. If they were turning my kids against me that would get me angry - for sure.

Get strong - and take charge!

Inertia · 04/07/2011 09:27

FMP - that's what I meant by ignore- just never get back to him with details-don't argue the point about why you are not telling him, just never actually tell him. Sorry for being unclear.

I agree with ShoutyHamster that speaking to your solicitor is a good starting point here . You need to know exactly where you stand. If not, an enquiry to HSA.

I wonder whether your solicitor is bound by professional duty to report instances of law breaking? It would free you from making the decision if so.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:28

But Animation - they only go to the farm on their dad's weekends for access. Other than stopping him having them at the weekends I can't stop them going.

They don't put me down in front of the kids anymore because I don't see them. I did stand up for myself in the last couple of years of my marriage and it led to a number of unpleasant scenes.

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Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:34

Have read even more now.

Fuckme - none of this is your fault. They are obviously rather toxic people. Analysing yourself won't change them, telling your daughter you don't want her to do it won't change the situation. Restricting access and legal action may help.

I would say the only thing to rememberif you take stronger action is that you are doing this for the safety of your child and not as part of any kind of fight or point-scoring exercise - but you seem fairly well across that anyway.

Animation · 04/07/2011 09:34

"they only go to the farm on their dad's weekends for access."

But they don't see their dad do they? Isn't he at cricket?

If the grandparents were dissrespecting my wishes - she wouldn't go - period!

Get strong, get tough, get assertive!Smile

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:35

He's at cricket in the summer if it's dry, yes.

But not in the winter or if it's raining.

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Animation · 04/07/2011 09:37

OK Fuckmepink - got to go...

Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:39

Fuckme - don't let anyone make you feel this is your fault for being "weak". It sounds like a difficult situation for anyone and you have obviously tried to be normal and accommodating and this is the last straw (no pun intended).

It's not your fault, I hope you see a solicitor and I hope the thought of your daughter's safety will keep you strong during what could be quite a hostile exchange, if it comes to that.

lesley33 · 04/07/2011 09:40

I think its fine as long as she isn't on fields that are steep or near steep river banks. My OH comes from a farming family and driving tractors at this age is normal. But there are terrains where it is easier to drive a tractor and requires much less skill.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 04/07/2011 09:44

Lesley - even with a silage trailer on?

And it may be normal, but as I have discovered this weekend, it's illegal, both in Ireland and the UK if they are under 14 or 13

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