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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Be pissed off hubby just called me a housewife....

268 replies

CoffeeDog · 01/07/2011 08:36

SO yes i dont have a 'paid' job but we have 3 kids (5) and (twins 2) DH is rarther annoyed to find his favorite shirt is not ironed for his work piss up tonight and had a rant when i suguested he iron it himself.... including that ironing is part of my 'duties' as a housewife. TBH he's bloody lucky it was washed!!!

AIBU to suguest the various things he can do with said Iron?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 05/07/2011 20:28

What she said was "my brain wouldn't cope with playing all day." By implication she is saying that a SAHM is somehow 'lacking' if she is content with that. That's how I would read it anyway. Even if she didn't mean it like that, it's still very rude to comment negatively on the the way of life that the person standing in front of you has chosen.

I'm not at all snobbish about what people do for a living, but when I am at the checkout, I'd quite like it if the person on the till confined themselves to scanning my shopping rather than making inappropriate value judgements about lifestyle choices.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/07/2011 20:37

Fairymum, it's not that a SAHM expect other people to actively value their parenting skills. It's just that society actively devalues being at home with children.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 20:40

I did want to point out that my brain couldn't cope with playing all day either, which is what nursery is there for

MrsDePoint · 05/07/2011 20:44

Indigojohn if I thought that my brain had a superior requirement for stimulation and a superior capacity to be stimulated because of my degrees compared with a lowly check out worker, I guess I would find that hilarious and ironic. Since I don't think that, it comes across as superior and smug.

There's no such thing as a "highly qualified and professional SAHM". Are you now saying that professionals are better mothers? Doesn't work that way.

There's nothing in her statement about the value of staying at home so that's a red herring karma

OMG you're managed to get in the "simulation" again

TheRealMBJ · 05/07/2011 20:47

Well said karma. As soon as you decide tom give up paid employment for the benefit of your family other people feel free to make comments such as: I think women who stay at home either slow down and get used to doing less so find it harder, or the types who choose to stay at home could not cope with much anyway and that is why they are at home. or Oh I could never be a SAHM, I need the simulation ( sic) of working. Thereby implying that anyone staying at home to raise their children is a bovine, ambitiousless, lazy, slob.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 20:54

MissingDePointagain.

How is pointing out the irony of an unqualified woman sneering at qualified women not using their brains implying professional women are better mothers? .

I'm a professional and I'm crap

manicinsomniac · 05/07/2011 21:04

Actually, I don't think saying that "I could never stay at home, I need the stimulation of working' is necessarily a judgement on SAHM at all.

I chose to go back to work when both of my children were 2 months old. Those 8 weeks at home each time were hell for me. I do need the stiumlation of work because I do not know how to cope without rigid structure, set tasks and being surrounded by people all day. That's not a superiority thing, it's a personality type and actually one I'm quite ashamed of. I can't occupy myself, I can't relax and I can't enjoy just being with my children. I get bored. If I'd been stuck at home full time with a toddler I'd probably have killed either it or myself. That does not make me great, it's pretty shit actually.

I don't see being a SAHM mum as a job, I certainly don't think caring for children should take up 100% of a person's time and I do think that being a SAHM should come with the majority of the household tasks.

But that doesn't mean I don't think it's a bloody hard, thankless job that there's no chance in hell I would ever do!

Knackeredmother · 05/07/2011 21:04

My husband is a sahd 2 days a week (nanny the rest). He has got completely the right idea. Spends the entire day out with the kids feeding the ducks, going to the park, swimming etc.
He dosent even ATTEMPT the housework other than a load of washing.
I love that he has so much quality time with the kids and expect a tip when I come home as I know how bloody hard it is looking after kids.
OP YANBU to be annoyed at him expecting you to iron his shirts.

MrsDePoint · 05/07/2011 21:07

That's not what I said Indigojohn. You described yourself as a "highly qualified and professional SAHM". You might be a highly qualified and professional something but those adjectives don't apply to being a SAHM. Talking about valuing the role, it's interesting that some SAHM seem to need to cling to the value of what they gave up to SAH. [sceptical]

Your original description of this conversation did not say that she was sneering. You seemed to think it was hilarious on the face of it. You might have inferred she was sneering (some SAHMs seem very thin-skinned about others' statements) but I don't see how her statement on its face is so hilarious.

I'm a lawyer, my MIL worked on a checkout. She also sometimes got words mixed up (flustrated was my favourite). I would have felt myself to be breathtakingly arrogant to assume that the stimulation I get from my job means more than the stimulation she got from hers.

TheRealMBJ · 05/07/2011 21:16

manic first you say you don't think SAH is a job and then you say it is a 'bloody hard, thankless job'. Which is it?

The thing that pisses me off is that people will reel out the platitudes of, 'Oh, it is the hardest job in the world', ' The most valuable thing you can do for your children is to stay at home with them' but then turn around and in the very next sentence say something like, ' What does she expect? He earns all the money.' or 'Well, it is his income, after all.'

It can't be both ways. It can be both valuable and worthless. Either SAH has both and intrinsic and economic value or it doesn't.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 21:19

I think there are two types of people on this thread.

Those who are concerned about how they are perceived and
Those that couldn't give a shiny shit.

I'm in the shiny shit camp.
I bloody love my life, it's brilliant. All kids at school and I spend my days doing pretty much whatever I like . I didn't like working at all, if I'm honest. I am the Anti-Needtowork.

If other women people want to pass comment or sneer or whatever , be my guest. Other people's opinions are utterly irrelevant to me and my piginmuck existance.

MissingDePoint - CheckoutLady didn't make me cross, she made me want to laugh - not at her - but at the ridiculous situation where people pontificate about other's choices. I didn't care what she thought of SAH or working or me working, I couldn't have given a shiny shit .

minipie · 05/07/2011 21:26

Gosh, I wouldn't sneer at your life at all Indigo. No WOH (which you didn't like anyway), DCs at school and you spend your days doing pretty much whatever what you like. Sounds brilliant.

I do wonder what your DH thinks though. He's at work and you get to do what you like all day? What does he think about that?

HeadfirstForHalos · 05/07/2011 21:26

I'm not a housewife, I'm a sahm, I stay at home for the dc needs (I'm lucky that we can afford it), not to iron dhs shirts. Of course a certain Amount of housework is included in that role, kids generate plenty of work! However dh is a grown man who took care of himself before I came onto the pIcture, and still can.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 21:29

Minipie, he would have palpations at the thought of me working! I am a good housewife, though. I look after him rather well!

Why, what does your Dh think of what you do?

manicinsomniac · 05/07/2011 21:31

TheRealBMJ - sorry, I wasn't very clear with my phrasing there. 'Job' has two different meanings in my head - "I have a job - the job I get paid for and "I have jobs that need doing today" - things that need to be done.

I don't define being a SAHP as being a 'job' in the same sense that paid work is (job as synonym for career I suppose) but I definitely think it combines numerous, endless 'jobs' that need to be done.

I kind of do the SAHP parent thing in the evenings because I have no partner and my oldest is only 8 so obviously I do almost the housework etc. That's why I say there's no way I could cope with doing it full time - a few hours a day is so much more than enough. But it's still not an actual job, it's just hard work.

HeadfirstForHalos · 05/07/2011 21:31

In fact, if dh got pissed off for not having his favourite shirt ironed I would Probably say "oh isn't it? I'm so sorry, pass it here and I'll sort it" then Proceed to wipe my arse on it and then hand it back smiling sweetly.

Well not really, just in fantasy land

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 21:32

Ah see, now I am a housewife!

I can't be a SAHM because 1) I dont SAH and 2) my kids are all at school.

TheRealMBJ · 05/07/2011 21:33

No, you are right it is not a career choice, is it? But, it doesn't automatically mean that parents who stay home lack ambition, brains or value.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 21:33

Headfirst

No, I dont iron his shirts either!

manicinsomniac · 05/07/2011 21:34

oh gosh no, I hope it didn't come across as if I believe that!

parents who stay at home have a certain ideology or a certain opportunity. Nothing to do with their ambition, brains or value.

HeadfirstForHalos · 05/07/2011 21:35

Well not really, just in fantasy land

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 21:35

BMJ, thing is, you know you have brains, you know you have ambition and to your family you are priceless in value.

It matters not a jot what anyone else thinks.

HeadfirstForHalos · 05/07/2011 21:36

Whoops! Posted twice by accident.

TheRealMBJ · 05/07/2011 21:41

Yes, true Indigo but I think it is a little bit about what karma said earlier. That it isn't about actively wanting approval but rather not having expected or appreciating the active disapproval expressed by society.

minipie · 05/07/2011 21:43

Really? Palpitations? How very controlling of him . Lucky you don't want to work, isn't it.

My DH has said is happy whether I WOH or not. (We don't have DCs yet). But if I was a SAHM, I think he'd expect me to spend the day doing things that contributed to making our life as a family better (whether that's childcare, clearing up, making nice food, managing finances, etc). I think he'd be pretty unimpressed if I "did whatever I liked" all day. Which would be fair enough since he would be at work all day rather than doing whatever he liked.

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