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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Be pissed off hubby just called me a housewife....

268 replies

CoffeeDog · 01/07/2011 08:36

SO yes i dont have a 'paid' job but we have 3 kids (5) and (twins 2) DH is rarther annoyed to find his favorite shirt is not ironed for his work piss up tonight and had a rant when i suguested he iron it himself.... including that ironing is part of my 'duties' as a housewife. TBH he's bloody lucky it was washed!!!

AIBU to suguest the various things he can do with said Iron?

OP posts:

RatherBe · 03/07/2011 23:43

Exactly, Eggy. That's why I would like to reclaim the word 'housewife'. I certainly don't feel valueless (or a drudge) and I think it's sad when women who don't work do feel like that - particularly when a contributing factor is the huge lack of respect that some women feel for each other based on domestic choices.

breasticles · 04/07/2011 00:28

Erm... And the man can still walk? I'd have shoved his 'duties' up his arse!

Housewife2010 · 04/07/2011 06:23

I consider myself a housewife. I prefer it to "stay at home mum" - I'm hardly ever in! - Husband does the ironing though.

cory · 04/07/2011 07:37

Having read through this thread, I am gradually realising that the bit that makes me profoundly uncomfortable is not the "housewife" appellation or even the ironing, but the suggestion by several posters that having one partner stay at home turns the other partner into her Boss, with the right to evaluate her work and threaten sanctions. How did that come about? And does it give the home-working partner equal rights to evaluate how her partner performs his duties? E.g. making it clear to him that he is failing in his duties if he doesn't get promotion? Seems a ghastly way to run a relationship.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 07:51

I am a Housewife, can't be a SAHM ( unless that stands for Swanning About Horsey Mother) as my gang are all in school.

I a ROFL at teh ide aof my DH being my boss. Quite the reverse

joric · 04/07/2011 08:11

Sorry but 'swanning around horsey mother' made me laugh! :o

Finn77 · 04/07/2011 08:29

I'm not a housewife, i'm the facilities manager round here...also the complaints department!

Teachermumof3 · 04/07/2011 09:28

I've never quite got the idea that if you are at home with the children, then that's your only task and you should share the housework 50/50. If my DH was at home at I was working full time and I came home to a filthy house with unmade beds, overflowing dishwasher and lunchboxes still sitting in the hall waiting to be emptied-I wouldn't be happy! I work part time and have three young children-if you're a bit organised, it's pretty easy to get most things done unless there's a crisis or someone's ill. Weekends are different though-if you are both off-things should be split.

However-going back to the OP, you are not being unreasonable, he should be able to iron his own bloody shirt!

MoChan · 04/07/2011 09:35

I think whether you are able to manage to keep house successfully as well as look after children depends somewhat on how many children there are, as well as their personality types, and the stage of their development. I have been through stages with my DD when it really was hard to get much done other than deal with her for most of the day. My situation is slightly different, though, as I work from home as well as looking after DD and trying to get some of the housework done. The work-from-home has to take precedence over the housework.

MoChan · 04/07/2011 09:38

Plus, what I don't get is how, when a couple have, before children, shared the burden of housework because both were working full time, one partner (more usually the male, obv, as female staying home with children is more common) is suddenly too tired/too important/too breadwinner-y to do anything at all around the house once there are children.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 04/07/2011 09:40

Housewife is an outdated and sexist term, IMO. It implies all sorts of other things about the relationship.
I am NOT a housewife. I stay at home and look after our two children, which is a fulltime job in itself. If any housework gets done, that's a bonus, but DH does a lot too (as well as working FT). He has never, ever suggested that I should use 'my' time at home to fulfil 'duties' and if he did, he's not the sort of man I'd have married. He knows I'm kept pretty busy with a preschooler and a baby.

TBH, housework as such doesn't really happen round here! We keep on top of the laundry (both do it, perhaps I do a bit more of it than him), grocery-buying (which I tend to do) meals (he does evening ones at the mo, as I'm usually feeding the baby), and washing-up (which got less contentious since we got a dishwasher). Occasionally one of us will catch sight of the dust bunnies beneath the sofa/bed/behind the door, or the toddler crumbs on the rugs, or the dust on the bookshelves, swear briefly, and do something about it. Neither of us are that bothered by a bit of dust, our house doesn't smell and I don't believe it's a public health liability, so who cares?

ReshapeWhileDamp · 04/07/2011 09:46

Oh, and on the extremely rare occasions when I'm able to put DS2 down long enough to do some ironing, I try and do one or two of DH's shirts alongside my own clothes and DS2's. (Ironing does not happen that often here.) DH is always v grateful, since he loathes ironing with a passion and I find it quite soothing . So I see it as doing something I quite enjoy that makes him really happy. (because he doesn't have to do it himself) If he's doing a stint at the ironing board, he often will iron a few things of mine. It's just a communal pile, it needs to be done, we both get on with it (reluctantly and infrequently). Choosing to iron a shirt of his is very different to being expected to iron them as part of my day.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 09:50

I've got four kids, all with two year age gaps. And I've never considered looking after them a full time job. Maybe I'm just really crap at motherhood but I've always kept a clean and ( very, actually) tidy house, cooked meals, done laundry and run the kids social and school lives.

I don't expect Dh to come home after a 12/14 hour day and start hoovering.
Unless you have kids with disabilites/special needs then not keeping house smacks of laziness to me and yup, I'd bloody complain too if I came home to a filthy house and no tea on the table.
My DH fullfills his side of the bargain by earning, I fullfill mine by keeping house and kids and home.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 09:51

Meant to add. No one ever irons here.

Mine are all pulled when damp, his shirts get sent out.

luvvinlife · 04/07/2011 10:14

I guess its as much your duty as its his to provide. As in everything how well you do what is your "share" will ultimately determine how happy you both are.

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2011 10:43

Coffeedog. I have a 5yr old and 2yr olds twins as well! Blimey, it is hard work ('specially with a 5 yr old in school, a lot harder than twin toddlers I've found).

I don't really mind the term 'houswife', but I DO mind that being a 'job description' any further than me being a wife who's 'office' is the house. The great thing about being self employed as that YOU can create your own job description . Your dh is most definitely NOT your boss, and cannot dictate what you should be doing.

Incidentally, my dh irons ALL his work shirts. I do not iron anything as that is the only thing that gets ironed in my house. Maybe he was annoyed if you have created an expectation that you usually iron his shirts and you hadn't that day. STOP. Tell him to do his blimming ironing. As a guide: My dh leaves the house at 8am. Before that he irons his own shirt, makes his own lunch, gets kids breakfast and dresses ds1 for school. He arrives home at 7pm and helps put either the twins or ds1 to bed. He then does all the washing up. I do all the cooking, washing, shopping and school runs and I think that's plenty for my 'job description'.

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2011 10:48

(But maybe I am lazy )...having read some of the paragons of housewifeliness further up. I still think it's fair. Dh gets time on his own travelling to and from work, as well as a lunch break. I never get a lunch break!

sherbetpips · 04/07/2011 12:09

i always felt that housewife was basically - married to the house. like you are tied to it legall in some way, forever made to cook, clean and iron...... never liked the phrase personally.

Gemmona · 04/07/2011 12:25

I agree with Ephiny that it's the attitude you should be annoyed at more than the word. He is a grown-up capable of ironing his own shirts, and you have THREE kids to look after! That's more stress, exertion and responsibility than comes with most other jobs. I think we women are some way off reclaiming the word as a fully positive term and should probably ditch it for its 'lil wife at home' connotations. Personally, I can't help but bristle when my mother sends me a recipe to help me out 'now that you're a busy housewife'. It's a generational thing though - she has no problem with the word and doesn't say it to be mean. I guess only you will know if he was using the word to make you feel bad.

It's a shame that the important business of raising the next generation has become too tied up with 'house' - cleaning and ironing. As far as I see it, the house can go to pot as long as the baby is ok.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 12:29

It's not a full time job looking after a couple of kids, really, it's not.
It takes five minutes to shove the hoover round.

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2011 13:25

Indigo. I have worked full time in a very demanding and well paid job and I have also looked after 3 kids full time. Maybe I am a poor Mum, or I have particularly demanding kids, and you are a super Mum with huge amounts of energy and angel children - but I find looking after kids a lot more demanding than working full time. It's just a lot more full on with little breathing space.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 13:26

Maybe I'm just a shit mum?

I didn't say it wasn't demanding but I fail to see how you can't find time to vac, tidy and get a simple dinner done alongside.

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2011 13:28

PS. It takes me at least 40 mins to hoover my house. You must live in a small house with no stairs/ carpet if it takes 5 mins!

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2011 13:28

I do find time for those things (well, maybe not the tidying). But I don't find time to wash up and iron. That's dh's 'job'.

Indigojohn · 04/07/2011 13:38

I have a rambling decayingold house but because it's so big it's easy to keep clean as the mess is distributed more thinly and further!

Washing up is the dishwasher's job!

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