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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Be pissed off hubby just called me a housewife....

268 replies

CoffeeDog · 01/07/2011 08:36

SO yes i dont have a 'paid' job but we have 3 kids (5) and (twins 2) DH is rarther annoyed to find his favorite shirt is not ironed for his work piss up tonight and had a rant when i suguested he iron it himself.... including that ironing is part of my 'duties' as a housewife. TBH he's bloody lucky it was washed!!!

AIBU to suguest the various things he can do with said Iron?

OP posts:

DrGruntFotter · 01/07/2011 12:38

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DrGruntFotter · 01/07/2011 12:46

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TimeWasting · 01/07/2011 12:49

I'm not a housewife.
I am however in charge of housekeeping.
As such, I have delegated ironing to DH, for maximum efficiency.

My 'duties' are what I decide them to be. I'm the boss of me.

Miggsie · 01/07/2011 12:55

My friend describes herself as a housewife. In 20 years of marriage she has ironed 4 shirts. She keeps a count as it such a rare event. She also doesn't peg laundry on the line. She and her husband set down some ground rules and that's how they do it.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2011 12:57

I agree, DrG, and I think that's why it's specifically making a lunch sandwich or ironing that spark these threads; they're the two things that SAHP of young pre-schoolers don't tend to do apart from for husbands.

I'm a part time worker, so I'm only home with mine two days a week, and I do get more done on those days than on the working days - but only really the time-sensitive stuff like laundry (we don't have a dryer) - the rest of the time spent at home is more than compensated for by the fact that DD is also at home, and therefore spending her day emptying the craft box, strewing puzzle pieces, and requiring me to take her to the toilet every hour. I think that someone who's always been a WOHP might genuinely not understand the sheer amount of mess generated by children during the day which is cleaned up as it goes. The days DD is in childcare, of course, we all come home at the same time, and the house is in the same condition that it was when we left. When she's at home, if the working parent gets home to a house in the same condition as when s/he left, that represents hours of invisible housework.

LineRunner · 01/07/2011 13:15

Picking up on notso's comment, why do you call him 'hubby'? That's quite old-fashioned, like his values!

Oh yeah, YANBU to want to stick the iron up his arse.

Ephiny · 01/07/2011 13:29

I'm actually just trying to imagine DP seriously instructing me in my 'duties as a housewife', I just cannot even imagine a situation in which he would dream of saying something like that to me.

I'm not a SAHM - but it's alarming to think that marriage/children can shift the power balance of a relationship to the point where things like that are said and meant. I assume you had a more equal and respectful relationship before?

DrGruntFotter · 01/07/2011 13:45

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Original poster

CoffeeDog · 01/07/2011 15:37

Only called him 'hubby' to be polite ;)

We cannot afford nursery/wrap around care for our 3 so atm i stay at home....
Before my DD was born i earned only £200 less a year than him... we split EVERYTHING 50/50.... the DD came along i was at home (lived in a small flat so was kept clean etc as tbh babies dont 'do' a lot anyway... then went back to work p/t as mum had DD... prg with twins worked right up untill 2 days before planned section... then handed in notice as nursery around here as really expensive.. twins are 2 1/2 and dont stop from 7am till 7pm (dropped nap just after first birthday)
On the rare occasion DH watches them while i am out.. he usally plonks them in front of the telly with stair gates on the room and 'cleans up' (never tidies and puts away just moves stuff about) - this it seems makes him wonder why i never do anything around the house..... ermmmm because i PLAY/EDUCATE the kids not plonk them in front of the telly - i dont give a fuck if you put on a baby einstein dvd or not!!!!

I have booked a weekend away with my brother and SIL and phoned my mum and MIL to to tell him they will be 'unavailble' that weekend lets just see how he copes with breakfast lunch dinner tea party's show's barbie games dinosaurs jumping on the trampoline washing clothes loading the dishwasher, cleaning floors and POTTY TRAINING :) (especially the last one) i will be feeding the twins lots of crap before i go in the hope they produce ton's....

OP posts:

Laquitar · 01/07/2011 17:46

The term housewife includes childless women who dont work.
OP is SAHM (with a toddler and twins). This includes some housekeeping.

apprenticemum · 01/07/2011 23:05

Tell him your official title is "Domestic Goddess" and that you will happily iron him a shirt right after you've ripped off his bollocks and stuffed them up his arse.

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 01/07/2011 23:31

Your job is to look after your children. You wouldn't expect a child minder/nursery/nanny to do the housework/ironing as well. That's a separate job and should be shared between the two of you.

kiteflying · 02/07/2011 04:49

Coffeedog, maybe you need to remind him why you are a SAHM, and that everything was 50/50 before children came along, so that he doesn't just revert to being a caveman without actually thinking about you and him as a relationship. He is not the boss of you just because he earns the money now, you have done more than your fair share. Hopefully, he was just having a rant because he was not able to wear a shirt he liked, but no-one has the right to dictate like that.

I honestly don't think men think looking after children is "work", which is why they do it so badly . Or, maybe its a touch of resentment that they have to spend all day away from their children and never do get enough time to be good at it.

My BIL is a househusband and his house is a tip, AND he thinks looking after children is the cruisiest job in the world.

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 05:15

You wouldn't expect a childminder or nanny to do loads of housework, you'd expect them to concentrate on spending good quality time with the kids. That's how I approach SAHPs with the caveat they should attempt to be housework neutral (not made much mess/cleaned after themselves, but not done more in-depth housework duties).

DH has been a SAHD for a year and now we're about to swap for a year while I go on mat leave for DC2. He did a few extra things, but since I will have another DC I don't plan to (then again I never expected him to either, it was a bonus)

exoticfruits · 02/07/2011 06:41

I don't like the term housewife-it sounds as if you are married to the house. (a strange term if you are not a wife).
I would have thought ironing a shirt came outside 'duties'-if you are being old fashioned, with 'traditional' terms,I would think he needs a valet if, he wants to have his clothes clean and ready to wear.

2BoysTooLoud · 02/07/2011 06:58

CoffeeDog - I would hope he would learn something the weekend you go away. Bet he will beg for help from his or your mother though!
I hate the term 'house wife'.. cringey term..

HipHopOpotomus · 02/07/2011 07:13

YANBU
Are you married to the house? I don't like the term housewife - so often said/used with a sneer.

If he was really kicking off about the shirt I wouldn't iron anything for him for a year (disclaimer, I don't iron and DP takes care of his own shirts etc even though I am on maternity leave and therefor currently in the housewife category)

kickingking · 02/07/2011 07:24

I dislike the term housewife. You are not married to the house. I prefer SAHM, if anything, I suppose.

When I was a SAHM (by default, as I was made redundant) my husband tried this one on me a few times. I was always insistent that he was confusing parenting with housework. tbh the house was minging though

itisnearlysummer · 02/07/2011 07:55

Well I suppose it's different for me. My DCs are both at school for much of the day. I can't really justify looking after them when they're not here!

I'd rather do the house/ironing (much as I hate it) when I'm in the house on my own, that way we get to spend the time we are all here together doing stuff and having fun and not doing boring things like ironing.

At the weekend, we share the housework that arises.

PhyllisDiller · 02/07/2011 07:59

Housewife is a bit outdated, if people ask ?what I do? I will say that I am a full time mother. My main function is full time mothering, not housekeeping. If we didn?t have DC?s I?d be out working.

DH might go out and earn the money, BUT he also gets to work on his career, hassle free. No arguments when the DC?s are ill about who has the most important day. No worries about food, bills, washing or planning holidays. Having had a career of my own, I know what a good thing he is onto. It is a team effort.

Enjoy your weekend away coffee dog (you do know you are probably going to come home to carnage!?!!) and tell him to shove the iron! As for ?duties? . No, not a good work to use in a healthy relationship imo!

hmc · 02/07/2011 08:00

I am not a housewife - I don't spend all my time cleaning, mopping and being 'domestic. It conjures up an image of a subservient 1950's woman in a pinny warming her husbands slippers before the fire and breathlessly awaiting the return of her lord and master from a hard days work. Anyone who claims the term is accurate and pertinent to the varied ways in which we live our lives today is spectacularly obtuse imo.

Terms have a historical coinage and sometimes become antiquated and need to die - housewife is one of them. For example, I don't call my cleaner a 'scullery maid' !! since the term is no longer accurate or applicable

ledkr · 02/07/2011 08:04

Dh once reminded me that it was hard for him to get much done in the house as he was working! I reminded him that i was too,i just happened to be on maternity leave to care for a very small human being who is dependent on me for everything and to recover from a pregnancy and delivery of said small human.
If i do things for dh it is out of affection for him eg,he gets up with baby and gives me a lie in and later i will cok him a nice meal orstick his washing on. I dont iron however cos he can take care of himself aqs he's a man not a small child.One of his most attractive qualities is he expects nothing done for him.
The point made earlier about the fact he'd be doing all this for himself if single is a very valuable one to point out to him,how can he answer that?

happyhorse · 02/07/2011 08:12

I don't consider myself a housewife. I'm at home because we have a child to look after, not for DH's domestic comfort. Anything that I do around the house is a bonus and fortunately DH sees it that way too.

I find the term housewife a bit offensive tbh because it's what I consider my mum to be, and much as I love her I hate the way she unquestioningly waits on my dad hand and foot.

OP YANBU. Your DH needs to take a look at what century he's living in and find the bloody iron.

chickydoo · 02/07/2011 08:13

My husband considers me as a housewife...YET.... I work 25 hours a week outside the house, while my 3 kids are at school. It's a very demanding job, and I need to do a couple of hours a week paperwork for it on top.
I do ALL the housework, ALL the gardening, ALL the childcare afterschool and weekends (although I do work one weekend a month) ALL DIY, ALL driving kids to birthday parties and activities., All shopping, and I always make sure his royal husbandliness has his meal ready for him when he comes home from work, and wave farewell as he plays golf Every Saturday for the best part of the day.
Why do I do it??? not sure really....too tired to think anymore!!!

honeyandsalt · 02/07/2011 08:20

YANBU! I think the OP needs to take a day off from her "duties" - hey, if it's your "job" then you get days off and holidays too, right? - leave himself at home with the kids, a list of household duties to complete and see how gets on . Oh brilliant I have just seen that that your plan!!!! Make sure you accidently take the remote with you...

I think there are all sorts of problems with the term "housewife" tbh.

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