to slap my teenaged daughter?

[DogsBestFriend]

Excuse me whilst I seethe.

It was 16yo DDs last GCSE this morning at school a couple of villages away. She'd already tried the "School doesn't want us there, says we can't stop there" trick and I'd pointed out that this was bullshit unfortunate and that she would have to wait until 3.30pm to get the school bus home.

So, at 11am she gives me heart palpitations by leaving a "Call me! NOW!" message on 0800 reverse - she's got no credit left for emergencies on her mobile of course. She tells me that she's left school and is walking home (along dangerous A and B roads without pavements). I tell her to get her arse back into school! Madam argues that she doesn't want to be stuck there on her own.

I call the school to confirm that they're happy for her to remain until 3.30pm. Call madam back to say that school suggest the library and use the PCs, you have money, soon it will be lunchtime anyway, it's only 4.5 hours. Nope, she's going to call her father on 0800 reverse (who does sod all and will tell her to piss off). Failing that she's - get this - going to call her friend's Dad, who lives further away than we do and who she knows to be struggling for money, and ask him, as "The two people who should be doing this for me and caring for me won't".

She's right on one of them... but WTF am I supposed to do? Fashion transport for her out of a lawnmower and a few bits of wood?

Her Prom is very much at risk of going ahead without her on Friday, that's for sure. Otherwise, can I slap her please?

:o

At sixteen she can quite reasonably navigate a dangerous road alone. She's just finished her exams, there's nobody at school, she has nothing to do, her friends have all left and you think she'd be happy? No.

There's no excuse for rudeness but if I was sixteen and in her position I'd probably be rude too.

You also want her to miss her prom because she's voiced her opinion? Wrong.

Bast, the mixed message (perhaps I didn't word it well) is that the daughter is being treated like a child, yet being lambasted for not using the cool logic and sense of an adult.

I'm still not understanding why the daughter can't walk on the verge or jump out of the way of traffic.

No doubt I'll end up on a SS register when I get my son fitted for walking boots. ;)

Am also 'mithered' that OP admits she drives like a cock on the same stretch of road. Wither leading by example? And, what happened to this race-car? Poof of smoke?

I don't think YABU OP, I went to school 10 miles away from home and on Mondays had to go in for not even an hour for tutorials yet had to stay the entire day because there was no bus and no other way home. That's life. I had to do the same through my GCSEs and my A levels.

I doubt she would've walked all of the way home either tbh, she'd have got a short way before turning round back to her warm school with food and the internet

Actually it's pretty irrelevant how dangerous the road is. She's 16, if she decides she wants to save the cab money for her hair and walk instead that is her decision. Her chance to risk assess (and wouldn't you rather she did that now, than when she was 19 and drunk of her arse and deciding how to get home at 2am?) her chance to make a mistake.

She's also a teenager, on a stressful day. She is allowed to be grumpy, she is allowed to be immature and stupid and, just this once forgiven instead of punished for not being prefect.

A few months ago a married mother was killed walking her dog down the country roads that surround where I live. She was doing 'everything right', walking against the traffic, no hood etc. A speeding dickhead hit her (and the dog) zooming around a blind bend .

Age has nothing to do with it - 16 or 60, country roads with no paths are too dangerous to walk and I'm amazed that despite the OP explaining this many times people are still second-guessing her.

But if she'd been given a chance to start walking and give up at least everyone would be happy instead of pissed of.

Surely the point is... you don't get to talk to your mother like that, no matter what..

I don't have a teen (yet, bit worried about the potential for nemesis to bite me on the bum for my own rendition of stroppy teen), but I do remember 16 cos that was the year I went off the rails.

As long as my parents took the constant stance that had always been there of "you don't get to talk to us like that" and similar expectations of not my not flouting their rules or instructions, I kept the brakes on my behavior to a fair extent.

When they wavered (possibly feeling a bit worn down by that point) and went "negotiation" on me, for the first time ever looking lost and powerless in their role as parent, in part I panicked cos suddenly they had dropped the reins, and in part I got drunk on the freedom (as well as copious amounts of snakebite).

It would be great if I had some kind of "parallel universe spylens" to see if things would have tuned differently had they maintained the lines in the sand, but in lieu of that I only have my best hunch, so I think I'm going to aim not to shift too far from the unmovable boundaries in how I am spoken to. I'm not sure it is the style of parenting so much that matters, but more a case of not shifting it too hard and too fast in a new direction which could be unsettling for the teen as all the consistency and familiarity disappears out of the relationship.

My real preference would be to keep my DS 11 forever, it's a lovely age. I don't think I am looking forward to the next bit.

How come there are zillions of books about babies, but relatively few for teens ? Unless there are.... [shoots off to amazon to see if can get ahead of the game]

I bet she was on a high just finishing her GCSE. Can understand her not wanting to stay at school. I would consider a 7 mile walk good exercise but of course tell her to be careful. They all guilt trip you into picking them up but she is willing to walk. What is the problem, she is 16.

I suppose I come from it on the other side, of having been 16 and having had a terrible relationship with my mother that has never recovered.

There has to be some give somewhere, on both sides.

If you never give your child a break, they're not going to give you any either.

Fastweb.....you went off the rails....perhaps your parents weren't right!!?

May I suggest that this sort of problem is going to come up more and more now she is older...I think you may need to consider her getting a moped or something. If you really live so remotely that there are no buses how is she supposed to do anything or go anywhere with no transport at all?

Very rude and unfair of her to speak to you like that. Job and no transport make it impossible so that comment to friends' dad was totally out of order.

But I can see why she would feel pissed off. After the last exam you are on a high and need to be able to let off steam a little. I would have let her walk home I think.

Hate this thought that a 16y who lives at home can do whatever they like, just because they are 16y.

No, they shouldn't. When they have their own home, their own finances, their own transport, etc - then yes.

And manners and common decency should always be there.

The 16y girl has been rude and showed little respect for her mum, therefore she doesn't deserve lots of favours.

However, I do feel that it is somewhat unfair on the girl to make her stay at school all day waiting around after an exam. I wouldn't like that now, at my age, let alone at 16y so I do understand why she was not pleased about that.

The walk home doesn't sound ideal really. I know you say the roads are dangerous ones, but are they isolated - or fairly well used, and in good public view? And presumably the weather is reasonably fine, with good visibility. TBH I do think she should have been allowed to walk home from school if she'd wanted to.

But that was not what was arranged and she has been rude and defiant to her parent, and that is not on at all. So, from that point of view she should do as arranged or risk missing her prom.

She has just sat her last exam and instead of doing cartwheels and being damn proud of your daughter, you are being petty over a very silly argument (which wouldn't have occurred if you had given this adult the freedom she deserves).
Let her call her friends dad. Maybe he would be more reasonable than you are.
How many more people need to post on here telling you that YABU before you realise?
If I am lucky enough to be the parent of a DC who takes their exams - there are enough teenagers who don't even bother turning up! - wild horses wouldn't keep me from being there for them afterwards, whether to treat them to something, throw a party for them or take them to their friends. But most definately to pick them up afterwards, hang the expense if it has to be a taxi! £25? Its a one-off! I know all about bills, I'm on a low income. I'd find a way of getting the money somehow.
This is probably the most significant occasion in your DD's life so far and this will taint it for her. And threatening about the prom? Thats just childish.
I don't know about you being cross with her - if I was your DD I'd remember this one for future. And it would most definately affect the nursing home you'd be going into!

I had to walk back 8 miles along very winding, thin, country roads once when I had finished a summer job early one day when I was about 19.
Ok, admittedly I didn't have to and the farmer employing me was quite annoyed that I'd waltzed off without telling him I was going to walk home (he knew I was finishing early). But I hadn't thought I'd have to tell anyone I was planning on walking back, so just set off.
It was awful. I walked right back the bank (absolutely no paths of any kind) and I still had to scramble up onto the bank and press into prickly hedges every time one of the frequent lorries came thundering by. I don't blame the OP for not wanting her dd to walk back. Distance isn't the issue, it's the safety of it.

AP "...the mixed message (perhaps I didn't word it well) is that the daughter is being treated like a child, yet being lambasted for not using the cool logic and sense of an adult."

See, I thought she was being treated like an adult (options discussed, arrangements made and agreed) but behaving like a child (tantruuuuuum!).

There's no denying that it's a difficult age for most young adults and most parents of those feisty, heart -breaking and often confused beings

typo sorry young adult.

perhaps your parents weren't right!!?

I was just your usual stroppy teen, nothing too hair raising right up until they rather suddenly changed direction. Then, and only then, did I shoot hard and fast off the rails.

At 43 yo I can appreciate that they were probably feeling worn down, out of their depth and powerless. At the time when they said "at your age we can't stop you doing stuff that means you put yourself at risk" I heard "at your age we can't even be arsed to try to stop you from putting yourself at risk"

Which I mainly put down to overly dramatic 16 yo "poor me" thinking. But it really did impact how I perceived their no longer holding me to the principles they had practiced my whole life as a rejection. While at the same time going bonkers with the sudden freedom.

I think my parents were too strict overall from birth to mid teen, but I don't think that was as important a factor as suddenly letting go of their parenting philosophy.

"But, I think that if someone has reached the age of 16 thinking this is acceptable behaviour, then the damage has already been done, probably years and years earlier."

That comes across as a bit spiteful

The OP's daughter is being rude and disrespectful yes. She is having a tantrum because she is upset and disappointed and because she has just finished her exams, which were probably very stressful.

To imply that this is a result of earlier "damage" or poor parenting is just daft. Lots of teenagers are rude sometimes. Parenting isn't like baking a cake, you don't just put the right ingredients in and wait for your cake to come out perfect. Children have personalities and fallibilities and off-days too

I for one think that DBF's love, concern and humour wrt her child has shone through, on this thread.

Tea's brewing for your return, hope you enjoyed your walk! Just the thing to clear the cobwebs (and webknobs) away sometimes, isn't it?

*have, not has

My school bus (which was the local bus) stopped a good 7 miles away from where I lived which resulted in a walk down a country lane (dodging the fast car boy-racers), or a lift from my mum. After my last O level (yes it was that long ago) my mum arranged for me to get a taxi home (the one and only taxi in the area!) as a treat as she knew that waiting at school 'till home time would have seemed like a fate worse than death to a bored, exam-weary teenager. From what I recall, it was a real treat and the first time that I had gone in a taxi on my own (felt very grown up). Yes, please cut your daughter some slack (or treat her to a taxi).