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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to slap my teenaged daughter?

220 replies

DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 11:26

Excuse me whilst I seethe.

It was 16yo DDs last GCSE this morning at school a couple of villages away. She'd already tried the "School doesn't want us there, says we can't stop there" trick and I'd pointed out that this was bullshit unfortunate and that she would have to wait until 3.30pm to get the school bus home.

So, at 11am she gives me heart palpitations by leaving a "Call me! NOW!" message on 0800 reverse - she's got no credit left for emergencies on her mobile of course. She tells me that she's left school and is walking home (along dangerous A and B roads without pavements). I tell her to get her arse back into school! Madam argues that she doesn't want to be stuck there on her own.

I call the school to confirm that they're happy for her to remain until 3.30pm. Call madam back to say that school suggest the library and use the PCs, you have money, soon it will be lunchtime anyway, it's only 4.5 hours. Nope, she's going to call her father on 0800 reverse (who does sod all and will tell her to piss off). Failing that she's - get this - going to call her friend's Dad, who lives further away than we do and who she knows to be struggling for money, and ask him, as "The two people who should be doing this for me and caring for me won't".

She's right on one of them... but WTF am I supposed to do? Fashion transport for her out of a lawnmower and a few bits of wood? Angry

Her Prom is very much at risk of going ahead without her on Friday, that's for sure. Otherwise, can I slap her please?

:o

OP posts:
PinotsKittens · 28/06/2011 11:59

Hello old friend

Animation · 28/06/2011 11:59

"Animation I will NOT be nice to anyone who speaks to me the way she did!"

Is she not allowed to be a bit stressy when she's just finished an exam? Can't you just contain her a bit - tell her she done a good job finishing her exams - and to get the bus home?

...in a tolerant, kind nice way.

Original poster
DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 11:59

Dad - don't ask, complete wanker who does nothing for the DC.

Friends have gone seperate ways, DD was one of very few to sit this particular exam, rest of them didn't go in today AFAIK.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 28/06/2011 11:59

She's old enough to get married and have a baby...I'm sure she's old enough to willingly navigate the journey home. The fact she's willing to do it, shows how desperate she is to get out of there.

I don't think you're cruel, but I do think you're quite controlling.

She's 16, not 6.

tazmin · 28/06/2011 12:02

how will she pay for her lunch?

you could ring a taxi company and pay with your card if you were so inclined

seeker · 28/06/2011 12:04

"you'd have to cut across countryside to get back here safely."

And? That'w what my dd does if she doesn't want to wait for the bus - and she has done since she was 11.

herbietea · 28/06/2011 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 12:04

I could Tazmin. And I could take the £25 from where? The electricity bill payment? Next week's food shopping budget? Or DDs hair appointment for the Prom?

OP posts:
Bast · 28/06/2011 12:05

I'd give her the duty of two 3.5m dog walks per day, for some time Grin (the first being very early morning!)

She's 16, she'll be ok. It's within walking distance and she'll just have to use her common sense (she works with you, doesn't she DBF? She must be quite advanced in the ways of the world Smile) ...I was working full time, running a yard and breaking young horses at that age and had been riding out, alone, since ten.

Rise above her defiance and histrionics. Don't lock horns, she'll learn little from it. Find another way to deal with this.

(Big 'GRRRR' in sympathy though!)

LaWeasel · 28/06/2011 12:05

The point is you have both behaved badly and not thought things through and now you are cross with each other when it could have been avoided.

There is no point in punishing her whenever she gets back and extending the misery. An honest conversation where you said "I didn't really realise you would be spending four hours on your own at school, so I understand why you were grumpy and I'm sorry about that but the way you spoke to me was unacceptable and I want an apology" and then forgetting about it all and going out to celebrate would be a much better end to the day.

Original poster
DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 12:05

Herbie, there IS no other bus. And the taxi fare would be £25 not lunch money-worth.

I HAD already explained that.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 28/06/2011 12:06

The hair appointment from the prom.

I think you missed the chance there to say you'll send a taxi, but she'll have to do her own hair.

Morloth · 28/06/2011 12:06

She is 16, why can't she just do whatever she wants for the afternoon?

LaWeasel · 28/06/2011 12:06

You could always offer her the chance to give up her hair appointment in favour of a cab home. Maybe she'd rather that.

Thingumy · 28/06/2011 12:06

Really,it will not hurt the op's daughter to wait around for a while for the school bus.

No doubt she'll sit on the school pc and rant away on farcebook until the bus comes OP (as mine did!) Hmm

ILoveYouToo · 28/06/2011 12:07

YABU for posting in AIBU when you are not asking aibu and not willing to take on board what most people are saying to you. Hmm

YABU for not realising and recognising that finishing her last GCSE (which she has presumably worked bloody hard for) is a bit of an exeptional circumstance and showing a bit of tolerance and compassion for her then being stuck in the school which she probably (and understandably) wants to run out of screaming 'YEAH I never have to come back to this prison again!'.

YABU for saying a 16 year old cannot walk however many miles home as she chooses, considering it's broad daylight.

YABU for saying she can't phone her father, just because you happen to think he's a fuckwit, and ask him whatever she bloody well likes.

Lighthearted enough for you? Hmm

Original poster
DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 12:07

Bast, trust her with my dogs? Shock No way! :o

OP posts:
Bast · 28/06/2011 12:08

Oh and call the friends father first and request that he backs up your wishes, not encourages her in her pursuit of attention (and picks her up), should she call him.

MmeLindor. · 28/06/2011 12:09

I used to hitchhike home when I didn't have enough money for taxis when I was 17yo.

Not saying it is sensible, but I did it.

Original poster
DogsBestFriend · 28/06/2011 12:09

ILYT I DIDN'T say she can't ring her father! Where did you get that from?

I said that it would be pretty bloody pointless, because it will and always has been so.

OP posts:
funnypeculiar · 28/06/2011 12:09

OK, she shouldn't have left school without your permission. And she's been rude to you. Or called 0800 & made you panic.

But I'm not in all honesty surprised she's feeling annoyed.

Imagine you've had a HUGE project at work - the biggest thing you've ever done. You & the rest of your team have just finished & the whole team is going out to celebrate your hard work & success - bosses buying drinks/all your mates there etc. But they decide one person needs to stay in the office - you. How reasonable would you be? That's what you're expecting from a teenager ....

(Oh, ime, schools do expect kids to leave straight after last exam - it's not like she hasn't warned you in advance so you could come up with a compromise plan...)

PS Never post in AIBU unless you're ready to be told you are!

Shoesytwoesy · 28/06/2011 12:10

can you just draw a line under it, I assume she has had to stay at school or is walking 7 miles, either way she has been punished, just move on and let her enjoy the end of her exams

Sewmuchtodo · 28/06/2011 12:11

Regardless of what anyone says you believe, in your own words, "no, I don't think I'm completely correct, I know it!" so why bother wasting time arguing with a bunch of strangers on MN?

Just because you have raised DD on your own does not mean she can't throw a strop have an off day like anyone else. If my DM had referred to me as 'madam' at 16 we wouldn't have had the best of relationships.

bigTillyMint · 28/06/2011 12:11

Well, I don't blame her for not wanting to stay in school.
She is 16 and quite capable of deciding what to do.
If she can persuade her father, fine.
If she wants to risk life and limb walking home, fine.
Or she can wait in school, bored.

funnypeculiar · 28/06/2011 12:11

xpost - just seen all mates not around - still, if I'd finished my GCSEs, I'd be expecting bunting & general celebration Wink