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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my brother to stick himself?

578 replies

fallenninja · 28/06/2011 07:45

OK so brief background. about 10 years ago my DB got himself into a quite sticky financial mess. He had what should have been a very profitable business but he kept "borrowing" money to fund his and his DWs lifestyle. Cue massive debts, and verge of bankruptcy.

I very luckily had a house with a fair whack of equity in it, due to inheritance / buying cheaply when my parents divorced. With a whole host of conditions and reservations and following massive conversations I agreed for DB to raise a loan secured on my house (idiot) in order for him to sort this out. This was for £150k (i know even bigger idiot). Arrangement was simple. DB repaid the loan, over the 20years that it was for. DB didnt. Massive family falling out. I ended up remortgaing and obviously am now and will be forever paying the stupid loan off.

Over the last 5 years or so we seem to have repaired the family rift, and whilst it still galls me, I suppose in some ways ive let it go.

So now ...
DB yet again has got himself in a mess, there is to be a family meeting tonight to dicuss how to help him. Hes in a deep depression, his wife has left him (money issues - he can no longer keep her to the style she expects) and he obviously is in debt again. He tried to commit sucide last weekend.

Now obviously i am concerned about him, I love him, and dont want anything terrible to happen to him, but i have no interest in helping him financially or in any big commited way, which is where the disagreement is coming in.

Suggestion 1. I have a parcel of land which I know a builder would purchase to develop, so option is that I sell my plot of land, give the money to DB, and then his mum/DB will pay me a monthly sum up and until the value is met (including interest), so Ive not lost out as such.

Suggestion 2. DB IVAs and we as a family help him with the payments and also with the running of his business, I as an accountant seem to have been signed up for the massive brunt of this. Set up budgets/monitor expenditure/blah blah blah. However I know my brother and he wont pay any attention to me saying no, so i think it wont work

However if he did do something stupidly stupid because I didnt help i would struggle to forgive myself, but this is how i got guilted persuaded to help last time

So AIBU to say get lost? Or is DBs mum in asking me to consider this?

(Im off on the school run then popping to town, so shall return at lunch for the verdict)

OP posts:
gapants · 04/07/2011 08:53

Really hope you had a great time in Wales.

Tell P to do one. Just keep remembering you would be doing the worst thing for your DB bailing him out again. 500 odd posts on MN cannot be wrong!

This woman sounds very messed up, and her trotting round with her "potential buyer" is very pushy. I would not be opening the door to her to be honest, or taking her calls.

Have you heard how your DB is doing? Hope he is getting better.

Any news on his wife, is she in touch with him. My mind is still boggling that she is oblivious to all of this. No matter what kind of relationship they had, I still think she needs to know what is happening. Also in terms of assists and finance I think she needs to know the full extent of the situation. It sounds like P has maybe a touch of the social climber about her?

Stay strong, we are all rooting for you.

addictediam · 04/07/2011 08:56

hi, i just wanted to add, stop looking at teh 150k as 150k origionally it was, but now it isnt.

its 700 a month for, just guessing, 30 years (adveradge length of a morgage) so youve actually lent him

252,000

stay strong and dont give into his blackmailing evil witch of a mother

addictediam · 04/07/2011 08:57

sorry £252,000

Jux · 04/07/2011 09:07

If she comes round again you are terribly busy. Can she talk to you while you are hoovering, mowing the lawn, anything noisy, inconvenient and which keeps you moving about?

Let her try then.Smile]

Beckyboo4 · 04/07/2011 10:02

Sendings Hugs as this cannot be easy for you. Please please take all the advice given on these pages and do not bail out yiour brother. You have you & your children to think about now.

PorkChopSter · 04/07/2011 10:19

Whoever said above that you are already helping your brother out to the tune of £700 a month had a very good point.

His mother does not care about that. IF you sell your land, it should be to service that debt and save yourself paying £252,000 for the money you lent him last time.

You cannot take on the business because it will lose your your job.

His mother is deranged narrow minded about this - she is only thinking of what she sees as best for her son - not you or your children.

ShoutyHamster · 04/07/2011 10:28

Another one signing in to say hope you had a good weekend and KEEP YOUR PECKER UP ! :)

Grit your teeth and keep going, come on here for support and remember that you're doing this for your children. And that it's the right thing in every possible way.

Kalinda · 04/07/2011 11:23

Hi, Ninja, another hope you're well/keep strong post from me. Hope you all had a peaceful, fantastic time in Wales and binged on Welsh cakes all weekend! x

HeadfirstForHalos · 04/07/2011 12:16

I've never been so Shock at a thread! Stay strong ninja.

SilverSky · 04/07/2011 22:42

Where art thou ninja?

I hope you are remaining out of harms way.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/07/2011 11:07

Hello Ninja - how is it going? Has P been round again?

PrettyMeerkat · 05/07/2011 11:08

Hope you are ok.

prettybird · 05/07/2011 13:20

If ninja did cave, she will probably name-change as she wouldn't want to face the cacophony of disapproval on here, where not one person thinks that she should provide any more financial support :(

I hope she is OK, whatever happens.

Kalinda · 05/07/2011 14:00

I do hope not, Prettybird Sad . The cacophony of disapproval is overwhelmingly aimed at the stepmother, P, not Ninja. Whilst nobody wants Ninja to provide financial assistance, I'm sure most of us can imagine how bloody awful Ninja must be feeling given the invidious position she finds herself in. The emotional and financial demands of close family often breach good sense and the boundaries of decency. We are "living" this scenario on paper and find it hard enough to stomach. To be actually living this situation on a daily basis must be absolutely hideous. So, even if Ninja does "cave", I hope she does still come back here if she needs support and I hope - and believe - people will empathise and be kind.

TandB · 05/07/2011 14:02

She is being strong. I am sure of it.
[crosses fingers]

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/07/2011 14:36

I hope not prettybird.

Although everyone was very clear in their opinion that she should not provide financial support if she doesn't want to I hope she did not take it as dissaproval.

Ninja was in a terrible situation and being manipulated and blackmailed by a dispicable woman and many were trying to bolster her to be able to avoid her feelings of guilt at doing the right thing and to not allow this toxic woman to bully her into any further decisions that she felt she did not want to make.

I hope she does come back. I know many of us are worried about her adn the situation she has found herself in. And I hope we can be of support no matter what decision she finally makes. Things can be much harder and much less Black and White in RL so I don't think anyone would judge.

addictediam · 05/07/2011 16:11

i just wanted to add my suport incase she has caved. i really hope she hasnt but if you have, i can completly see why. p is a blackmailing witch.

hope your ok

buzzsore · 05/07/2011 16:32

Hope you've stuck to your guns, op.

Jux · 06/07/2011 10:39

We're not there in RL for her, we're only cyber buddies. We cannot possibly judge her if she does acquiesce.

Ninja, keep your pecker up, and don't be embarrassed if you have given in; I can't imagine the pressure the old bag could put you under, and the sort of lies she might come up with to tweak your behaviour. You can still get help with minimising the consequences and so on.

Certainly in this case, if Ninja has handed over her dosh or her field or whatever, then it would be a darn sight more appropriate to give her sympathy and support and understanding, than anything else.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2011 11:25

Jux, even if ninja were to acquiesce, I don't think any here would 'judge' her - it's clear just how intense the pressure is that she is being put under. No-one could blame her, we are all just hoping to counter that pressure by emphasising the injustice of it. But she has been indoctrinated into her place in 'the hierarchy according to P' for a very long time.

I'm hoping she's handed it all over to a lawyer and is incommunicado (and unreachable by P) in Wales having a lovely time with her DC.

prettybird · 06/07/2011 11:33

I wasn't meaning to imply that we would judge her: I just meant that she might be scared to come back because so many people said it would be the wrong thing to do (if she did indeed end up giving money to P/her db and/or taking over the business).

I agree that whatever her decision is, what she will need is support, not judgment.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2011 11:50

I didn't think you did, prettybird - just anxious that if/when ninja returned, she should be certain beyond doubt that we wouldn't be judgemental, whatever she had felt she had to do. Words on a screen can sometimes be ambiguous; especially when ninja is already judging herself, easy to assume others would too. Bloody hell, that P has done a right job on her Sad.

gapants · 06/07/2011 11:59

ninja just wanted to say if you have spoken to P and have decided to give more money or anything else, then you should know that this thread is full of support for you.

cjel · 06/07/2011 13:22

Ninja. Hope you are ok whatever choices you make.x

Original poster
fallenninja · 06/07/2011 13:23

Hi everyone,

Sorry I was delayed with the update. I came back on Sunday night, but have had a nightmare week! Youngest DS has been in hospital following accident at school. Ex decided to report me to social services and my cooker has blown up!

So far I have not caved. However this is probably because I am refusing to take her calls. Still have not spoken to or heard how DB is. I have an answerphone message of him crying down the phone from last Saturday evening, I can hear P in the background, but cant hear what she is saying.

I spoke to my therapist on Monday. She is recommending instead of having the phone CBT i have at the moment, that instead I have face to face sessions with someone more qualified. She feels that there are perhaps far more "deep rooted issues" which are causing the problems, than the simple stress and anxiety due to financial & court problems that caused me to be referred to the CBT in the first place.

To be honest, I am just completely fed up. It seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Im fed up of all the responsibility and hassles. I just want to sell up, and go far away.

OP posts: