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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:

supadupapupascupa · 23/06/2011 18:03

erm, if they genuinely have gifts with no names on then YABU. There is no need to be fuming as I can easily see why this assumption has been made.
Are you cross because now you have to admit that you haven't sent a gift?

G1nger · 23/06/2011 18:03

Bad manners on both sides, I'd say.

ashamedandconfused · 23/06/2011 18:03

Actually, I think its rude NOT to take a gift, in these circumstances, unless they have said "no gifts" - why assume they dont want gifts if they dont say that?

EggyAllenPoe · 23/06/2011 18:03

it is your brother so a gift would have been in order. Why don't you believe this was a genuine request?

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2011 18:04

Why would you not buy a wedding gift for your brother? It doesn't matter how many times they have been married, it was a celebration of their wedding. Wht are you fuming, surely you would want to give them a gift?

You could say that funds were tight and send them gift vouchers, or if you don't want to, why carn't you be honest?

worraliberty · 23/06/2011 18:04

Oh that could be so genuine...it does happen a lot at parties/weddings.

Punkatheart · 23/06/2011 18:04

It is rude not to buy a gift - not everyone does the wedding list thing...

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/06/2011 18:06

YABU to be fuming.

If you had bought a gift and it had got separated from its tag and then never received thanks you'd have been cross.

I would have taken a present - bit mean not to really unless you hate them both in which case you shouldn't have gone to the wedding.

Whorulestheroost · 23/06/2011 18:06

Yanbu, they did not have a list. What were you meant to do mind read? She knows full well that you didn't send anything and now she is trying to shame you. Cheeky cow! Just send a polite email back saying that you are glad they had a nice honeymoon and that you will see them soon, don't mention the present, I'm sure she won't have the cheek to ask twice!

Itsjustafleshwound · 23/06/2011 18:06

Sorry - seems a bit odd to assume that no gift was required... but then families do work in strange ways ..

A good cover could be that you wanted to know what they needed/what is suitable for their new life together??

woopsidaisy · 23/06/2011 18:07

I think it is incredibly rude to go to a wedding with no gift! The only time I have done this is for a very good friend who is buying her first home soon. I said I would wait and pick out something she really wants in the new house.
And why were you surprised to get an invite to your brothers wedding?

stillstanding · 23/06/2011 18:07

Supa, normally I'd agree with you but this is a bit tricky, isn't it? There is an assumption here that a gift was given and I think the letter is a bit OTT tbh. Normally people are much more subtle with this kind of thing, ie letter just thanking in general for coming to the wedding etc.

ashamedandconfused · 23/06/2011 18:08

If you feel embarrased and the need to save face, you need to reply with "actaully we did not send a gift, we wanted to wait till you returned and will be sending a luxury hamper/massive bouquet & champagne &chocs"

or say you were hoping to treat them to a show/vouchers but wanted to check first which they would prefer.

Grabaspoon · 23/06/2011 18:08

I don't think any gifts were separated from the card. Pretty poor manners on their behalf.

However I would have bought them something.

xkittyx · 23/06/2011 18:10

Why would you not take a gift just because there is no wedding list? Not everyone has a wedding list, it's not like they said "no presents please".

beanlet · 23/06/2011 18:10

Firstly, she's just trying to write her thank you cards like a conscientious bride should, so yes, YABU for fuming. It's not a personal dig at you.

Secondly, you're going to have to own up - either pretend that you forgot to bring it with you on the day and buy something now, or confess that you didn't realise they were expecting presents and ask if there's something they didn't get that they would like. Then get that.

She's your new sister in law. It's just an embarrassing misunderstanding on both sides. Don't wreck your relationship over something so trivial.

Original poster

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 18:11

Did you all get that it's her FOURTH wedding?
No, I don't like her - she is doing her best to ensure my brother has nothing further to do with his 2 DSs.
BUT we went to the wedding party because we were asked and smiled and tried to be positive. TBH we were hoping not to be asked but felt we had to go when we were.

OP posts:

stillstanding · 23/06/2011 18:11

I think that it is INCREDIBLY rude to expect a present no matter what the occasion. At our wedding guests had to travel a long way and it would have cost them quite a bit of money - I certainly didn't expect anything and was delighted with the presents I did get. But I sent thank you letters to everyone.

euphrosyne · 23/06/2011 18:12

YABU for not getting them a gift (it does not matter how big or small) in the first place.

Would you not buy anything if it was their first marriage and the wedding invitation had no gift list?

ashamedandconfused · 23/06/2011 18:13

we hade several gifts without cards attached, and it happens at every one of my kids parties too! you leave the unlabelled ones till last and do it by process of elimination, or by making sneaky enquiries to 3rd parties

we ended up with 2 unidentified weddding gifts, those people got a generic thank you, everyone else got a proper thank you mentioning the item

OP - you can always say that with the expense of the journey and outfits, you cannot afford a gift (I assume this is the case or why no token gift?). You can say that it was much more importnat to you & your bro that you were there! if you dont get on, why go in the first place?

HampstersDontSwim · 23/06/2011 18:13

You are rude.
Did you really not know that its rude to rock up to a wedding without a gift?

TrilllianAstra · 23/06/2011 18:14

Could easily be genuine.

You don't like her so you assume it is not.

Not much more to say, is there?

LeonardNimoy · 23/06/2011 18:14

I'm amazed that people actually think someone would go to the trouble of writing a letter like that to shame someone into admitting they didn't give a present! Good God. No wonder this place is full of threads about poeple falling out wih friends and family.

Ragwort · 23/06/2011 18:14

Perhaps you are reading too much into this - I know occasions where this has genuinely happened. I see you were invited to the wedding party rather than the wedding ceremony - I don't think it is obligatory to take a gift and I tend not to give wedding presents for second weddings .

Why not have a quiet word with your brother about it?

Itsjustafleshwound · 23/06/2011 18:14

Doesn't matter what no. wedding it is

you didn't HAVE to go
Your attendance cost them something
It is just good manners

The rule is to behave the way you wish to be treated. If you don't like her don't accept her or your brother's hospitality ..

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