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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:
iscream · 24/06/2011 06:06

Including a gift list is very rude. Astounding that you would think everyone does it.

The wedding was also your brothers, you could have bought something that he would like, if you dislike her so much.
If he doesn't see his 2 children, don/t go blaming her. Nobody could stop me from seeing my children.

Anyways, what will you reply to her? I'd cover by saying the gift you ordered hasn't yet arrived. Then go buy something for your brothers sake.

WinkyWinkola · 24/06/2011 06:24

I love wedding gift lists. Saves me a lot of effort wOndering what to get the happy couple. It's not grabby at all. It's traditional to give presents to newly weds, children at birthdays etc.

However, op, I did smirk when I read the letter from your sil. She knows fine well you didn't get her a gift and she is annoyed about it.

You should have taken a gift, however small.

So yanbu for being irritated by the email but yabu for not taking even a bottle of cava as a present.

acatcalledbob · 24/06/2011 06:31

I can't imagine going to someone's house or party empty-handed, let alone taking the whole family - that's so rude.

Shame on you for not taking a gift - and for judging someone for getting married 4 times. Can't you be happy for your brother at least?

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 24/06/2011 06:33

Isn't this how it works?

  1. Receive wedding invitation
  2. Accept invitation and ask what the happy couple would like as a gift
  3. They either provide list, or ask for money for honeymoon or for other useful purpose, or they say, "Surprise us!"
  4. Go to wedding bearing gift.

If they didn't expect gifts, then the invitation would've said so, surely?? Because the default position wedding-wise is to take a gift.

NorksAreMessy · 24/06/2011 06:45

If you think about how you will explain to your SIL or DB why you didn't get them a gift, it might clarify why people are getting aerated about it. Whatever the reason, saying it out loud just sounds unkind.

Reading your SIL's letter, it sounds genuine, a mistake anyone could make

INeedALieIn · 24/06/2011 06:55

Very rude to go to any invited occasion empty handed.

quirrelquarrel · 24/06/2011 07:16

I liked the suggestion earlier-

Hallo SIL,

Oh, don't worry, we didn't get you anything.
Hope you had a lovely time and thanks for inviting us.

From Fox and co.

She probably won't even care! You're one person she invited to the wedding- she's got lots of other presents and gestures- I think it would be in poor taste for her start feeling all resentful about it.

hairfullofsnakes · 24/06/2011 08:40

It is poor taste to go to a wedding without getting a gift. There is nothing wrong with gift lists and I am astounded that some people find it acceptable to go to a wedding without a gift.

ssd · 24/06/2011 08:52

op i think you're just pissed off that you've been caught out with your mean attitude

i feel sorry for your new SIL, she probably has you sussed as a mean person and her note lets you know that!

you haven't any manners or humility have you?

razzlebathbone · 24/06/2011 09:41

YABU

It's a perfectly reasonable and actually quite nice email. She is just trying to do the right thing and try to thank everyone according to what they gave.

My DH and I had both been married before when we got married so we deliberately didn't have a gift list and if anyone asked (a few did) we said we didn't expect anything and just wanted people to be there. Of course everyone did buy us something and that was lovely - people generally love to take presents to weddings as they're joyful occasions. We had no idea who got us what the next morning as they were all jumbled up etc, so we did what your SIL did because we wanted to know who got us what to thank people.

She has done nothing wrong. You shouldn't have gone to the wedding as you obviously didn't want to.

Bast · 24/06/2011 09:56

If you thought not taking a gift was the right thing to do, you should have the courage of your convictions and the ability to take responsibility for your decision.

It seems you are now embarrassed at being called to account for your decision and deflecting blame.

You should have thought more carefully.

(I can not believe the things people get wound up about. I personally wouldn't expect gifts under any circumstances, wedding or otherwise. However, I've yet to arrive anywhere without at least a token gesture in hand.)

creamymilk · 24/06/2011 10:01

OP you said that your brother didn't even give you a card when you got married. Therefore you could argue that you had assumed from his past behavior that he must not believe in giving wedding gifts, so you were just following his lead.

Alternatively, you could send them a lone pepper shaker and tell them that - seeing as you were invited to half the wedding - you thought half a gift would suffice.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 24/06/2011 10:04

I wonder if the OP is going to come back to this thread Confused

creamymilk · 24/06/2011 10:06

BTW I think that the brides letter was a bit cringeworthy and OTT with the gushing.

If something had to be said, it should really have been up to your brother to say it, IMO.

MarathonMama · 24/06/2011 11:54

I had this at my dd's christening, gifts with no cards, I assumed one of them was from one set of godparents and left them a message much like OP's email. It turned out they hadn't bought anything and took being asked badly, it was all a bit uncomfortable for months afterwards. I sympathise with OP's new SIL I'm afraid.

ashamedandconfused · 24/06/2011 12:27

they didn't send out a list with the invite (grabby)
they didn't ask for money towards their honeymoon in Thailand (knowing you cannot afford a weekend in Blackpool)
they did not ban your all children (except those she wanted to invite)
they did not neglect to send out thank yous

seems they did everythign right by MN standards, and still you moan, OP

YES you should have got a small token gift, or you should have not botherd going (even then i would have sent a small something to mark the occassion)

we got round the wedding list thing by sending a letter with details of local B&Bs etc with the invites, and mentioning that while their presence would be more than enough, and we appreciated that people would be travelling/incurr expense, IF anyone wanted to buy a present the brides parents could mail them a list - we also made sure there were plenty of gifts for under a tenner on there, not all this poncey china where a salt pot costs £40

ashamedandconfused · 24/06/2011 12:29

creamymilk -OP you said that your brother didn't even give you a card when you got married.

it wasn't the OP who said that, i think it was someone else.

And tradition says its the bride who writes the thank yous (presumably while she sets up their new home while DH goes out to earn their living?!)

charliejosh · 24/06/2011 12:38

I dont think it is rude at all to go to a wedding without a gift, i think that your presence is enough and a gift is something extra from those who choose to by one!

LouMacca · 24/06/2011 13:09

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a gift unless it stated no gifts in the invitation and even then I would make a donation to charity on behalf of the married couple.

I think your B and SIL probably know you didn't buy a gift and they sent the letter to see what your response would be.

ChristinedePizan · 24/06/2011 13:14

Am I the only person who is amused by the line 'as always happens' when this is the fifth wedding they have had between the two of them?

Nope, just me then Blush

feckwit · 24/06/2011 13:43

I would have assumed by the invitation that this was your brother and his new wife making an effort to include the family and taken it as a chance to accept the olive branch and move on as a family.

So I would have accepted, gone and taken a gift, just as I would with smebody I cared deeply about in the hope it would set your relationship wth your new sil off on an even keel.

She is now stuck surely? You accepted and attended so she assumes you are acknowledging her and your brother's attempt at building bridges.

She then reurns to open gifts, and has some unnamed ones (happened to us by the way, we had 6 unnamed and 14 possible donors!).

She is glad you came and wants to thank you but feels she should ackowledge the present. I best she agonised, does she thank for the present and you maybe have not sent one? Say nothing and you think she is rude?

I think you were very rude by the way.

lisianthus · 24/06/2011 13:51

YABU. Another one here who had tags mixed up - it happens a lot as you can see from the number of people above who had it happen to them.

He's your brother. You aren't estranged from him as you went to his wedding. Get him a gift.

eeyore2 · 24/06/2011 14:14

I just think it is sad that you were surprised to be invited to your brother's wedding. Siblings don't always see eye-to-eye but surely there is something special enough about the bond that you would expect to be part of a momentous event in his life? Even if it is, as you mention, "in Yorkshire"...

Scuttlebutter · 24/06/2011 14:17

OP, another one here who thinks you are being VU. At our wedding, we had two or three gifts that we couldn't identify. To this day, I worry that someone didn't get a thank you who should have, and it was fourteen years ago. Even if it was their tenth wedding, I wouldn't dream of attending without taking a small token - for heaven's sake, you could have taken a decent bottle of champagne, or even a voucher for a local attraction/something for the kids. The email strikes me as being entirely genuine, and as written by someone who is trying to do the right thing. Meet her in this spirit.

DontGoCurly · 24/06/2011 14:33

If you don't want to give a gift you dont go to the wedding. Simple as that.

It's the height of rudeness to turn up empty handed to any kind of party, never mind a wedding. Doesn't matter how many times people have been married before.

So YABU.

You should have either stayed at home or gone wholeheartedly with a gift. Now look at the pickle you're in.