Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/06/2011 18:15

Doesn't matter if it's her 10th wedding FFS, you don't turn up without a gift.

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2011 18:17

It doesn't matter how many times that she has been married, thats irrelevent and her business. Your brother has chosen to marry her, hold him responsible if his relationship with his DS's break down. If that's how you feel then you should have made a stand and not gone, not now be petty by arguing over buying a present. Surely it cost more to go than it would have done to send vouchers?

neolara · 23/06/2011 18:17

YABU. Why assume that it is anything other than the situation your SIL describes? The exact same thing happened to us at our wedding. We worked it out in the end but it was a very embarrassing.

Assuming that only one or two presents were separated from their tags, they may have thought they would contact you first because it would be less embarrassing admitting the situation to a member of the family than to someone else. If they found out what you had given, they might be able to work out what other people had given, if you see what I mean. I think it's reasonable of them to assume that you would probably give them a present on their wedding day. They may have agonised for ages over how to ask you / what to say etc. I thought the email sounded exceedingly polite. It's probably very awkward for them as well.

ashamedandconfused · 23/06/2011 18:17

I think what is actaully the likely scenario is that they have ONE unidentified gift and 2 possible giftees - OP and some other close family member or friend. They dont want to run the risk of assuming the wrong one, and cannot risk not thanking the person either.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 23/06/2011 18:18

Well my brother didn't even give me a card twas the moment I decided to stop putting all the effort in.

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2011 18:20

If you had of given a gift and not got a thank you no doubt you would be posting how ungrateful 'the lovely bride' was (of course it's always the females fault, isn't it).

CocoPopsAddict · 23/06/2011 18:24

YABU. If you disapprove so much of it being her FOURTH marriage, then why go? I think you should have bought a little something at least.

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2011 18:25

But you didn't decide to stop putting the effort in, you went. Perhaps it's a new start.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 23/06/2011 18:29

I think she has called you up on it and you don't like it!

You bothered to go to the wedding so you should have bothered to take a gift.

spookshowangel · 23/06/2011 18:33

yes because being married more than once obviously makes you a horrible person, your brother is responsible for his relationship with his children, your sil cant make him do anything he doesnt want to. i think going to a wedding sans present is incredibly rude and am actually surprised. the amount of people that moan on here about wedding lists but you assumed that because there wasnt one they didnt want any.
the letter is what all brides do post wedding, thank guests for presents and since you are the grooms sister she would not be generally wrong for assuming that one of the presents without a tag is from you and one of the lesser known guests didnt get them a gift, i mean she is wrong in this case and you will embarrassingly have to explain to her that, you chose to not buy them a present out of protest but you decided to go to the wedding any way. op are you on crack? Hmm

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 23/06/2011 18:33

When you are invited to a wedding it is customary to give a gift to the bride & groom.

Why on earth would you assume otherwise purely because a gift list wasn't included with your invitation?

Frankly, I'm surprised that you didn't ask your brother long before the ceremony whether there was anything that he and his intended would particularly like to receive.

Best give him/her a call, fudge some apology (pressure of time usually suffices), explain that once you got into (name nearest department store) a couple of days before the wedding you couldn't decide between a toaster or a kettle (or a couple of items that are within your budget), and resolved to ask them what they'd like once they'd recovered from the celebrations and their honeymoon - obviously you are far too well-mannered to have raised the subject on the day.

OR say you inadvertently left their gift behind when you set off to celebrate their nuptials, and you've waited for them to return from honeymoon before sending it on. You can then nip down to the £ shop, buy a hideous ornament and wrapping paper, stick it in a jiffy bag, and let Royal Mail at it

As you have already been U you will only compound your unreasonableness if you let this colour your opinion of the bride even though, given that it's her 4th, she could probably open a small department store herself without needing to buy in any stock

gapants · 23/06/2011 18:37

drip drip drip...

4th wedding, OK, what is the issue with that?

You mentioned she is trying to separate him from his kids, is that true?

Sounds like there is ALOT more going on that your are not mentioning.

If you felt so opposed to the match you should have declined the wedding invitation.

Good manners dictate that you ought to have brought a present, now you will have to beac peddle-

I would say that you had ordered something online, and Oh no has it not arrived, I will look into that, Oh I am so sorry, and get them something quick.

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 23/06/2011 18:39

It is very rude to accept anyones hospitality without giving a gift. Be that supper, a birthday party, drinks party, and even your brothers wedding

Indigojohn · 23/06/2011 18:39

I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you think it acceptable to go to a wedding, with your children, eat their food, dance to thei rband, drink thei rdrinks.

And not buy a gift. How socially inept are you?

LoonyRationalist · 23/06/2011 18:42

People getting married who automatically expect gifts are the unreasonable ones. Yes it costs money to invite someone to a wedding, however it probably costs more to attend, especially if you live far away.

Op you have several options, a quiet word with your brother, a card and some vouchers & possibly apologising for forgetting to leave them on the day, a polite note back stating that your company on the big day was their presentation or finally blagging it, the toaster was from us perhaps??

EggyAllenPoe · 23/06/2011 18:50

as i very much doubt you bought her presents for her first three marriags, what has that to do with the price of sea-dwelling vertebrates?

LaWeasel · 23/06/2011 18:50

I think it's totally reasonable to think she is telling the truth - and if there were unlabelled gifts to expect one of them might be from your sibling!

I think it was very rude of you not to by a gift, they're your family, unless there is something major your not saying, who cares how many times they've been married before!

RottenTiming · 23/06/2011 19:17

Well, I 'd have thought that it was quite possible that she knows you didn't take a gift because she says that gift cards/cards have become detached from presents. You didn't take a gift so there is no unmatched giftcard/card with your names on.

If you think she is bluffing to embarrass your gift giving "oversight" then you can play the same game......

Dear Bro and SIL

Thanks for the card, good to hear you had a lovely honeymoon hope it was SIL's best one yet.

We really weren't sure what to do about a present as you've both presumably already been supplied with household stuff etc in the past as a result of previous weddings so we opted for 'M&S vouchers/Voucher for 2 adults and 2 children's admission to (insert name of local child friendly day out venue) for you to have a family day out with the ds's/Anne Summers gift certificate/Name of any other sort of voucher that may be appropriate in the circumstances.

'*(delete/embellish as appropriate)

Hope you find the envelope/giftcard somewhere in your stack of presents as I haven't a clue where I put the receipt.

Be sure to pass on my love to the ds's.

Love as always,

XXXXXX

RottenTiming · 23/06/2011 19:19

Oh, I would have taken a gift as I like my brother even if I loathed his wife (which I don't).

WhoAteMySnickers · 23/06/2011 19:27

YABU as well as rude and mean spirited. You obviously dislike your SIL because, shock horror, she has been married before.

If you've got the nerve to turn up at a wedding without a gift then at least have the nerve to tell her you didn't get them a gift.

maypole1 · 23/06/2011 19:34

You are rude you never turn u to a dinner party with out a bottle of wine
A BBQ with out a dish
A birthday party with a gift

Or a wedding and especially as its your brother how awful

And then to go on and think he has concocted some type of elaborate scheme to shame you

I think this says a lot more what you think about your brother then how he feels about you

You then went on to mention how many times they have been wed what that has to do with the issue I don't know and also showed your surprised you were invited to the wedding its your brother surly they surprise would be if he didn't invite you

I think you don't like hime very much

madhousewife · 23/06/2011 19:36

rotten timing - you are hilarious!
op - copy out that letter as is and send it, you've got nothing to lose as your SIL is going to hate you anyways! (joking btw)

AmazingBouncingFerret · 23/06/2011 19:40

Hang on... Why were you suprised to be asked to the wedding party? He is your brother. Why would you not be invited?

Oh wait!

They've both been married before so why the hell would they want to celebrate their wedding with family and friends. Neednt bother with a present either because, again, they've been there done that. Hmm

I imagine that you OP, think they should of squirreled off somewhere and got married on the quiet?

Forgive me if I am wrong, of course...

umf · 23/06/2011 19:42

Just write back and tell them you gave them the pasta-making machine.

Icelollycraving · 23/06/2011 19:42

Yabu & mean spirited.
Her email seems v friendly. If she is trying to shame you,then good on her for doing it in such a great passive aggressive manner,she is no fool. If what she has said is true then you have to suck it up & say glad you received the card,that's all there is.