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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:

oohlaalaa · 24/06/2011 14:36

I think she knew too well you'd not given a gift.

How about you reply as follows:

Thanks for your email. Thrilled to hear you had a lovely honeymoon, and are settling into married life.

Ours is the card - no gift. It was an after wedding invite, and we had the expense of trains etc. 'Brothers name' didnt buy us a gift for our wedding, and I didnt think he expected us to buy him a gift.

Hope 'brothers childrens names' are keeping well.

All the best,

Lovebeingabletonamechange

kickingking · 24/06/2011 14:42

The 'presents with no tags' situation could be genuine.

Even if it's not, I think it's rude to go to a wedding without a gift. Although it is also rude to try to shame people like that - if that's what she's doing.

I am really confused - why were you suprised to be invited? And why did you assume that they wouldn't be expecting gifts? While I agree that it's not as if they are 20 and setting up home, I would have thought people would get them a nice bottle of wine or a hamper or theatre tickets or the like. Even if you don't spend much, just a token luxury thing.

kenobi · 24/06/2011 14:55

I'm taking evens on the fact that OP won't return after this pasting. Anyone care for a wager?

lisianthus · 24/06/2011 17:04

Kenobi, evens are probably too generous. ;)

RevoltingPeasant · 24/06/2011 17:16

Don't be nasty, you two! She's probably out even now slashing SILs tyres buying her a present.

minipie · 24/06/2011 17:29

RevoltingPeasant

OP since you clearly disapprove of the number of times they've been married, I'd have thought the best thing to do would be to buy them a basic household item, like a toaster.

Passive-aggressive, I know, but at least not overtly rude.

Original poster

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 29/06/2011 12:49

Consensus seems to be a gift is required.
So I'm thinking a beautiful framed photo of his handsome children who he hasn't seen for over a year or spoken to for over 6 months - didn't even phone on Christmas Day. Down to him not bothering not exSIL preventing him. We see them about 3 times a year because we bother to go to France to visit.
Or should I just say that I can't wrap my monthly standing order to support his children (to whom he pays nothing)?

OP posts:

Tuppenyrice · 29/06/2011 14:17

You see, there is so much more to this than meets the eye.
Please elaborate OP.

WinkyWinkola · 29/06/2011 14:29

Why did you ask if you already give so much to your brother in terms of a standing order to his children? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Why did you even go to the wedding of a creepy guy - regardless of who it is - who doesn't support or see his own children? That in itself is weird imo. I would have told him to shove his wedding and pay for his own offspring.

ashamedandconfused · 29/06/2011 14:38

Oh dear, AIBU by stealth again.

This snippet of info throws a different light on things

Why did you go at all? seriously, you have a (deserved) low opinion of your brother, you dont approve of his new wife, why go??

Lonnie · 29/06/2011 16:08

That happened at our wedding and we had four presents with no names on plus five couplesmthat they could have been from even now fifteen years on I wonder how we could have sorted it better, we went with a general thank you so much for your attention to our wedding onlyto find out weeks later one of the presents was from a couple that didn't attend the wedding I rather like the letter from bil and sil

Sparkletastic · 29/06/2011 16:15

AIBU by stealth for sure. If your brother is that much of a bastard why the chuff did you go to his wedding? Since you did you should have taken a token gift.

iscream · 30/06/2011 04:11

Hmm, yes, seems brother is not a shining star regarding his responsibilities towards his kids. They are lucky they have you to help with their well being.
Maybe a subscription to a parenting magazine would be a good present?

hairfullofsnakes · 30/06/2011 05:03

Love the photo of his children idea - do it

LoveInAColdClimate · 30/06/2011 06:41

We had that happen to us - my PIL threw a party for us a few weeks after we got married. We didn't expect to receive any presents (and the invitation actually said no gifts) but lots of people brought something anyway. Quite a few didn't have tags and it made thank you letters v awkward. We resolved it by my MIL making discreet enquiries, but was extra difficult as we had said no gifts and so were worried it would look like we had actually been expecting them and were now saying "so where was yours, then?"

OP - it's unreasonable not to take even a token gift to your brother's wedding!

NB - have not read whole thread before writing this.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 30/06/2011 11:36

I am boggled that you even went if you are so pissed off with his behaviour - by going to the wedding you are effectively condoning his actions and therefore should have taken something. Its the similar concept of going to dinner with a friend and taking a bottle or wine/chocs something like that to thank them for their hospitality.
If you couldn't afford to go - you shouldn't have gone
if you didn't approve of the situation - you shouldn't have gone
unless new SIL has categorically stated he can never speak/contact/visit/have over/ contribute to his dc's lives then it isn't her fault its his
if she has done the above, you shouldn't have gone as why on earth would you want a relationship with them?

I stand by it, by going you should have taken a gift however small, dh's cousin bought us a lovely candle, it was more than enough tbh!

aldiwhore · 30/06/2011 11:40

Aside from details, if you went to the wedding and the invite didn't request NO GIFTS then you should have given a gift (even a small one) or not attended the wedding.

You can get out of this by saying you didn't send a gift as weren't sure what they'd like and were going to speak to your brother about it to see what he'd like to receive.

She may be a complete twat, its still not her fault your brother isn't supporting his children, he should grow a spine. But regardless, you attended the wedding, you should have sent a gift.

mumeeee · 30/06/2011 11:50

They might have genuinely had gifts with no names on, When DD1 got married a lovely crockery set was left on the gift table at the church. There was no name on it and it wasn't bought off of the gift list. They wanted to thank whoever left it but could not find out. So YABU to presume she sent the letter because you didn't buy a gift. You were also BU not to have taken a small gift.

Playdohinthewashingmachine · 30/06/2011 14:17

I'm surprised by the vast number of posts saying "you went to the wedding you should have taken a gift". I've seen so many "wedding gift list" threads on MN where everyone piles in and says "how rude to expect a gift! they should be grateful for your presence! You don't have to take a gift! It costs enough to get there! (and a few more !!!!!) ".

The OP didn't actually attend the wedding, did she? Wasn't invited, in spite of being close family. She attended a party. For parties you take a bottle of wine, usually ...

trixymalixy · 30/06/2011 17:14

Hmm, drip drip drip of information.

If you felt so strongly about your brother's actions you shouldn't have gone to the wedding.

You did go, so you should have taken a gift even if only a token.

forehead · 30/06/2011 17:25

The OP doesn't like her new sil and probably feels that her sil is to blame for the fact that her brother does not see his children.

pingu2209 · 30/06/2011 18:06

Personally I think your new sister in laws note is very polite and quite normal. I think it is very very odd not to buy a gift for your brother's wedding. Your brother is marrying someone he loves, the fact it is his 2nd wedding and her 4th is irrellavant.

JamieAgain · 30/06/2011 18:10

Sounded like quite a polite letter to me, but that was before I read your mind and discovered what an evil witch she is

PuppyMonkey · 30/06/2011 18:21

But the question remains, If this is how your brother is, not seeing his kids, you supporting them... Don't go to his blimmin' wedding then!!!

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