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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:
MarianneM · 23/06/2011 21:54

This happened to us!

We didn't send a wedding list with our invitation, I dislike them. Some of the gift cards got mixed/lost so I emailed our guests a similar message. Turned out two guests (good friends) didn't bring a gift. I thought they were really rude!

YABU! What kind of muppet goes to a wedding without a gift? So what if they didn't have a gift list - gift lists are tacky!

Salmotrutta · 23/06/2011 22:01

Over many years of attending weddings we have never turned up without a gift - even if it was an evening invite. And even when we couldn't attend we have given a gift. It's a way of wishing the couple well.
(And "lists" were only just creeping in back when we got married - and I didn't do one, but people phoned up and made suggestions which was very kind)
Very odd not to want to take a gift to your own brother's wedding (even if it was his second and her fourth Hmm)............. I just couldn't turn up at anyone's wedding without a gift, evening do or whole day.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/06/2011 22:02

I take it, knobbysEx, that if you went to a dinner party you wouldn't se ignorant as to go without taking a bottle of wine or some chocs or something. Or a child's birthday party without a gift for the birthday child? So as a wedding is generally the mother of all parties, I think you would be extremely ignorant to turn up there empty handed regardless of whether a present was expected.

Oh, and read the op. They are not on wedding number 6. It doesn't work like that.

ruddynorah · 23/06/2011 22:04

i assume the OP goes around with a permanent Shock face on her. are you very easily enraged and offended?

Salmotrutta · 23/06/2011 22:06

I get the impression the OP doesn't like her new SIL what with the "lovely bride" comment and the mention of it being her fourth wedding Hmm. I'll bet Elizabeth Taylor still got presents by the time she got to No 6!

porcamiseria · 23/06/2011 22:06

agree with who said "bad manners on both side"!!!! why did you not get a gift, even a token ??? I just could not go to a wedding empty handed, sorry

ruddynorah · 23/06/2011 22:27

and the mention of yorkshire Shock Shock Shock

biddysmama · 23/06/2011 22:30

my 2 year old opened all our gifts and ive not got a clue who sent what! i just sent the same thankyou letter to everyone so i wasnt being rude

muminthemiddle · 23/06/2011 22:34

I would agree more with the op if it had been her brother's 4th wedding, because then she would have already bought 3 wedding gifts ( I am assuming, unless there is a magic cut off number). But your brother has only been married once, so this is really no big deal.
No wedding list does not mean you can not bother with a gift. I agree with others about turning up empty handed at a party, it is just bad manners.
Send a token gift at least.
Oh and as for his relationship with his own children, believe me, nobody but your brother himself, can damage that.

eurochick · 23/06/2011 22:37

YABU for not taking a gift. I suspect you are so annoyed because the letter (genuine or not) has put you in the awkward position of having to admit to that.

Dragonwoman · 23/06/2011 22:52

At our wedding we did have a wedding list but still there was some confusion as some people bought off list and others didn't input their names properly on the debenhams computer. We opened all our presents at 3am while drunk Blush and mixed up the tags of a few. We were then left with one less present than guest and no idea who bought what. Worried we had lost a gift we got my mother to make discrete enquiries of close relatives assuming they had all bought a gift and wanting to thank them properly. Very embarrassing all round when it was found one close relative hadn't and we hadn't meant to embarrass anyone - just assumed we had made a mistake! Blush So I think your sil is genuinely puzzled!

olderandwider · 23/06/2011 22:57

I don't think the SIL's letter is rude. Gifts and gift cards do get separated and the bride just looks silly saying a generic "thank you for your wonderful gift" if the present in question was, say, cash or a cheque. Or a donation to a charity (which seems increasingly fashionable these days). Something personal and specific is required.

.... "The toaster is marvellous. So clever of you to know our kitchen is manure-coloured with tartan skirting boards. It will fit right in," sort of thing.

OP, YADBU.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 23/06/2011 22:58

I would not expect a gift from someone just because they were invited to my wedding or birthday party for me or the DCs.

It is a celebration and I'd just be glad people cared enough to come. People I invite to my functions usually but not always bring something but I don't care either way.

I think your new Sil is BU to expect gifts. If I were her I would send out a thankyou to everyone who came to the celebration as well as those who bought gifts.

suzikettles · 23/06/2011 23:05

But the SIL isn't asking for gifts! Although had she asked for a gift via the medium of a list I dare say the op would have been apoplectic.

She's got some gifts and she doesn't know who they're from. She doesn't want to offend someone by not thanking them.

I suspect she thinks she's playing safe by sending this email to her husband's frickin sister as having been likely to have bought something, and therefore be able to mark one more off the list without embarrassing a guest who didn't bother (as is obviously their perogative). Oopsy...

kaid100 · 23/06/2011 23:07

I think it's fair enough to bring a gift, even to a fourth wedding, since you are being provided with food and entertainment. In fact, I don't think that a fourth wedding should be treated like "she doesn't really mean it cos she's said it three times before" (I'm not suggesting you are saying that).

I think the issue with the letter is that it reads like it could be a passive-aggressive ticking off for not having provided a present. I've known people who would write a letter like the one above for a reason like that, but my gut instinct is that this is not the case in this instance.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 23/06/2011 23:10

regardless of how many times my brother had been married, I would have taken a gift or a token for their wedding.

SandStorm · 23/06/2011 23:16

My brother has been married twice - to the same woman. Both times I got them a present as it didn't occur to me not to. I never liked her but he's my brother and he would do it for me! This isn't about how many times she's been married, it's about how you really feel about your brother. She may be writing the letters but it's probably your brother that's feeling hurt that you decided his marriage isn't worth celebrating with a gift.

xstitch · 23/06/2011 23:19

Exactly what suzi said. That's how I read the situation.

cerealqueen · 23/06/2011 23:37

I'd have thought that if a couple were onto multiple weddings, then they'd not particularly expect gifts, so a gift list might not be appropriate. Yes, its a party, yes, you feed and entertain people but it costs to go: outfits, rail fare, hotel stays!
SIL could have asked her husband to ask you what you bought, surely? Am guessing there is some bad feeling here though by the surprise you expressed at being invited.
Be honest, say you didn't send one, but say how much you enjoyed sharing their special day as that's what it all about isn't it? Grin

trixymalixy · 23/06/2011 23:59

Also agree with what suzi said.

They didn't ask for any gifts, but who in their right mind would go to their brother's wedding without a gift!!

Bogeyface · 24/06/2011 02:26

I think that YABU in that you should have taken a gift, no matter how small a token to your brothers wedding. I dont think that they were BU to assume that the grooms sisters sent a gift, your brother probably cant imagine why you wouldnt, BUT...... I do think that they didnt handle it very well or sensitively.

5DollarShake · 24/06/2011 02:58

hugglymugly - really?!

You think it's more polite / better form to say, 'we're getting married; I expect a gift', instead of, 'we're getting married, please come and join us in celebrating our special day [zero mention of expecting anything gift-wise due to not being completely crass]'? Grin

It is much more polite to invite people to your wedding and make NO mention of gifts - sticking a gift list in with the invitation is impolite and grabby.

Only someone who's rather socially inept would then deign to attend such a social function without a gift for the B&G.

What is the world coming to?!? Does no-one understand social mores anymore?! Grin

OP - YABU and I think you know it, since you've disappeared from the thread!

MollyMurphy · 24/06/2011 03:30

She embarassed herself by assuming you had the good manners to send a gift which is standard at a wedding - especially your brothers wedding. YABU to take offense at her honest mistake.

Catslikehats · 24/06/2011 05:37

"They didn't ask for gifts"

Who in their right mind a) asks for gifts or b) doesn't take one when receiving hospitality.

OP even if your sil knows damn well you didn't take a gift to your own brothers wedding, good on her for calling you on it.

hairfullofsnakes · 24/06/2011 05:47

If you didn't want to get a gift, don't go to the wedding! you should have bought something - it doesn't matter that it is her fourth wedding, what's that got to do with anything?! You should have bought something and it was very very rude of you not to.