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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Sister in Law

149 replies

Foxranawaywithhisshoes · 23/06/2011 17:59

My brother remarried at the beginning of this month - it is his second marriage and her fourth! We were surprised to be asked to the after wedding party in Yorkshire but duly got on a train and travelled up with our 2 DSs aged 5 and 7.

The wedding invitation didn't contain a gift list and tbh I assumed that they would not be expecting a gift.

Today I have received this email from the lovely bride.

Dear Fox and husband,

I hope all is well with you and the family.

W and I returned yesterday from a fabulous honeymoon in Rome and Sicily - both were wonderful, and we had a really super time.

I'm just about to start on our 'thank you' letters, following the wedding party but, as always happens, a number of the gifts were separated from the cards / gift tags, and yours was obviously one of those. We're trying to sort out what was from whom, and I'd be grateful if you could let us know which gift was from you, then we can say 'thank you' properly. Thank you so much!

Thank you also for your lovely card which was here on our return - we're so pleased the boys had a good time at the party.

With all good wishes to you both,
C

AIBU to be fuming? Was IBU to assume they would not require a gift?

OP posts:

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/06/2011 19:43

It could be a genuine query.

It's funny to see someone pissed off at no wedding list or present request - there are usually threads about people demanding money for the honeymoon or having a really pricey list or telling someone what to buy them.

If you're invited (with your children) you take a gift unless specifically asked not to. It's the done thing. It doesn't have to be pricey, and as you don't like her it would have been a great opportunity to give her something really garish and awful. You could even have regifted something.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 23/06/2011 19:45

YABU - if you dont like her dont go to her wedding. Tell your brother im sorry i am not attending as i dont like your choice of bride instead of turning up and presumably being false.

Write back and tell her i didnt get you anything which is the truth

kalo12 · 23/06/2011 19:45

you went to the wedding party because you were asked? it was an invitation - you were free to accept or decline. going with pursed lips and not taking a present is very ill manered!

PelvicFloor0fSteel · 23/06/2011 19:47

They can't win can they, if they'd put in a list you'd have called it grasping, if you'd bought something and got no thank you you'd have called them rude.

After DS's birthday we had 3 unidentified presents and only 2 sets of people they could have come from. It was really embarrassing trying to work out where the extra present came from because asking people if they'd got you something else makes it sound like you thought their main gift wasn't enough (and all the main gifts were lovely and more than generous enough). I'd imagine it's a lot worse to have less unidentified gifts than givers and know that someone didn't bother but not know who it is...

southofthethames · 23/06/2011 19:48

If there was a party with drinks and/or food, it's only good manners to send a gift, even if it's a small one. Esp if four of you went. To get out of it gracefully, why not send a voucher or gift card in the post and then write/email back to say your tags weren't separated but your gift is in the post. They might genuinely have gifts that came apart from the tags or cards - this happened at our child's christening reception which was v awkward as there were clearly some people that didn't bring a gift (which we were not expecting) - but how do you identify the mystery giver to thank without embarrassing the few that didn't bring a gift??? In the end we wrote a similarly worded thank you card to each of them that sort of encompassed gift as well as no gift. To this day we still don't know who gave the item!

Stars82 · 23/06/2011 19:49

completely agree with RAGWORT.

She should never have emailed you. No gift cards have been lost, and NO she shouldn't have expected a gift. It doesn't matter if there was a gift list or not!!

yes you were greatful for the invite (to the evening only)
yes you took the time to go and spend money on getting you and your family there on the train, which is far from cheap nowadays!!!!

Did you have to fork out for a hotel etc also???

what would happen if you couldn't afford to do both? either attend or get a gift and she may have just embarassed someone further if she has also sent this email to others.

It's point blank cheeky!!! ( only my opinion before I start getting mean replies about being heartless!!!)

Yes it's your brother, however if the sibling card was going to be played then surely shoulkdn't they have sent you invites to attend the whole day!!!!!

YANBU in the slightest....again before I get attacked for being a bitch. It is just my opinion :)

snicker · 23/06/2011 19:51

I had about a dozen nameless gifts after my wedding and several envelopes of cash without a card.

She has written a perfectly nice letter explaining why she hasn't thanked you specifically. Its not unreasonable to assume you would by your brother a wedding present.

Why on earth are you fuming? Is there any course of action she could take without you fuming?

trixymalixy · 23/06/2011 19:54

How rude not to take a gift!!

And very odd to be surprised to be invited in the first place.

YABVVU

It's your brother and SIL who should be fuming.

xstitch · 23/06/2011 19:56

I agree it could be genuine. I had a few nameless gifts when I married the first time and I had a few moments of panic while trying to write the thank you notes in case I sent to the wrong one or mentioned the wrong gift etc.

I am getting remarried in a couple of weeks and we don't have a gift list. We have managed to offend some people with this. You can't win with weddings and people wonder why people don't bother to get married.

suzikettles · 23/06/2011 20:03

It was very odd behaviour not to bring a gift to your own brother's wedding imo.

You're now behaving quite oddly in dreaming up this complex scheme where your new SIL is trying to shame you - no, she's just trying to find out who she needs to thank for her wedding presents.

Come on, ok you don't like the woman but don't waste your energy on picking fault with every little thing she does. You'll be exhausted within the twelve-month and wreck your relationship with your brother.

maras2 · 23/06/2011 20:03

Even if there was no gift list you could have at least taken abottle of good wine.You were not only BU but also very rude.

suzikettles · 23/06/2011 20:05

Or at least be honest and write on the card "As you've been married four times before you brazen, gold-digging hussy, we've decided not to give you a present. Hope that's ok. Kisses."

That way she'd know where she stands and it would save future embarrassment.

Pumpernickel10 · 23/06/2011 20:07

YABU she wrote lovely email to you with nothing nothing in it.
I think going to a wedding you get a gift even if it's a bottle of wine or something, who turns up empty handed? She catered for you and your family and thanked you for coming and your fuming, are you for real?

aquashiv · 23/06/2011 20:07

If it were my brother I would just call him and tell him the truth. He is the one who counts really.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/06/2011 20:07

Very rude not to take a gift to a wedding. And perfectly possible that gifts and tags got separated.

Am slightly surprised at the number of people here agreeing with me and saying you can't attend a wedding without a gift. If they had dared to put in a wedding list etc they would have been slated on here for their sense of entitlement. Make your minds up!

Pumpernickel10 · 23/06/2011 20:15

When me and DH got married we didn't have a gift list because we already lived together and had everything but people still brought us lovely things and vouchers we had 10 bottles of champers and we open one every year on our wedding anniversary.

Tuppenyrice · 23/06/2011 20:31

That note got my back up and I'm not even in your family.
Write back saying:
"no, don't worry we didn't get you a gift.
And good luck with everything!"

hugglymugly · 23/06/2011 20:44

Lots of people don't ask for gifts for their wedding. My DD and her DH specifically said that on their wedding invitations. And neither of them had been married before.

I'm surprised that anyone could think it's rude to not take a gift to a wedding when there's been no indication that a gift was expected.

After a second and fourth wedding respectively, I'd expect the happy couple to have figured out the protocols by now. But obviously not.

OP: I'd suggest responding that you didn't bring a gift as they didn't make it clear they wanted one, and you didn't want to embarrass everyone else who also didn't bring a gift, but you could send them a £10 B&Q voucher towards some tasteless lawn ornament.

StayFrosty · 23/06/2011 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bandwitch · 23/06/2011 21:16

I can't believe you didn't get your own brother a gift for his wedding!! I hate weddings! but your brother! come on.

I'd write back and say "the linen was from us". and then she'll either have to thank you for the linen you didn't get her. ha ha. See how long you can keep the volley of bad feeling in the air!

Pixieonthemoor · 23/06/2011 21:18

Although personally I am in favour of lists (at least you know you are buying something the recipient actually wants) a lot of people think they are completely ghastly and would never mention anything about gifts at all. When you think about it, isnt this far more well mannered than mentioning it? I think you are BU - you should have taken something even if it was just a little token. They are forking out for the party after all. Also, it could well be that they are perplexed and think that the present/tag/whatever has genuinely gone astray or got separated. If you had bought a present and then not been properly thanked then you would be put out, I am sure. Sorry but I think you are BU.

anniepanniepears · 23/06/2011 21:32

very bad taste not to get your brother a wedding present.do you have any other brothers or sisters,what did they get as a wedding gift

cory · 23/06/2011 21:39

another one here looking back on her wedding day and seeing no reason why the letter should not be genuine

in which case it is incredibly self-centered of you to be fuming, as if your embarrassment was all that mattered

as somebody else said, they really can't win

knobbysEx · 23/06/2011 21:46

YANBU! My god, how DARE people EXPECT gifts????? They live together, they are on wedding number bloody SIX! Christ, NO!
Do YOU invite people to parties expecting them to bring you gifts? Would you be upset that they hadn't, or would you be happy they travelled so far with two young kids, to share the happiness? I think this letter is a dig. Either don't respond, or say you assumed they'd have 6 of everything at LEAST already.
I'd be fucking FUMING!!!!

RevoltingPeasant · 23/06/2011 21:47

I am at most of the posters on this thread.

Don't you people get it?? She has been married THREE times before. To THREE actual different men!

She shouldn't be getting presents. She should be in Bridewell.

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