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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand how a baby can be "unplanned"

104 replies

sansae · 22/06/2011 22:44

I can understand if contraceptive methods failed - condom broke - etc

but when you're actively having unprotected sex with no contraceptive method.. how is it unplanned?

One of my acquaintances recently told me she got pregnant, i'm chuffed for her but she said it was unplanned but she's very happy. so i asked, oh you mean your contraceptive method failed? She said oh, no, we weren't using anything!

aibu to not get this? perhaps it's just me being thick..

OP posts:
MrsTwinks · 22/06/2011 22:46

I have a friend who thought she was ok cos the doctors had told her 90% chance her fibroids made her infertile. if its something like that meaning no contraception then YANBU

otherwise yes, thick. I'm my mum thinking pulling out would work. like WTF? when she told me that i was 15 and even then i knew she was off her rocker.

garlicnutter · 22/06/2011 22:48

Maybe just meant she wasn't ttc? Most people still just stop the contraception and think, well, if it happens it happens.

electra · 22/06/2011 22:49

unplanned means was not actively trying imo.

babybythesea · 22/06/2011 22:50

I also know two people who were both told they would never ever have children. One in particular was devastated, and is now expecting her first baby after a bit of a shock at the GPs. No contraception used -she didn't think she'd ever be in the lucky position to have to think about it.
The other baby who should never have existed is now 2.

tethersend · 22/06/2011 22:51

Being thick about it isn't the same as planning a child though. Therefore it's unplanned.

I say that as a thicko.

millie30 · 22/06/2011 22:51

My DS wasn't planned, but I wasn't careful with contraception. I was in an abusive relationship and recovering from some mental health problems so wasn't really in my right frame of mind and took a silly risk. Sometimes people just make mistakes, I wouldn't be without my DS now though!

Original poster
sansae · 22/06/2011 22:52

i meant me being thick as in not understanding it :P

OP posts:
sheepgomeep · 22/06/2011 22:52

I dont know, I didn't plan to have wild unprotected drunken sex with ds dad, it just happened. The MAP didnt work and voila ds.

I think its a case of Hmm and Confused

Scheherezadea · 22/06/2011 22:53

Our pregnancy is unplanned.

We didn't have sex purely for the reason we wanted a baby. We were simply in the throes of passion. Some people have that, it's quite fun, really.

As above said, we were both of the mindset 'if it happens, it happens' and when it did, we were over teh moon. However, we hadn't had a sit down & discuss the ins and outs of trying to conceive. If it didn't happen, no doubt we'd look at why, but that particular morning was all about caution to the wind, young lust etc.

PacificDogwood · 22/06/2011 22:53

IMO not using contraception = TTC Grin

Having said that, loads and loads of 'unplanned' pregnancies turn into much wanted and loved children Smile.

Scheherezadea · 22/06/2011 22:54

sheepgomeep - quite!

justonemorethen · 22/06/2011 22:56

Or what about if you have sex just before during after a period? The chance's of you having ovulated are tiny. You wouldn't actually expect to get pregnant. ...especially if it's once in a blue moon.

millie30 · 22/06/2011 22:56

Just to add, I'd also had a previous marriage where I'd tried to conceive for 4 years with no success, and various gynae problems and surgeries, possibly another reason why the idea of pregnancy wasn't really in my mind at that point.

Scheherezadea · 22/06/2011 22:58

myself & DP are young enough (23 & 24) for sex to be fun, and not have to make it into a conception session each time. Becoming pregnant was just a bonus.

If I didn't become pregnant after a number of unprotected 'sessions', then suspicions would be raised and then I expect we'd look at the process and look about ttc.

Original poster
sansae · 22/06/2011 22:59

as i said, sheep i'm not talking about failed contraceptive methods or MAP. but i think if you're having unprotected sex and you are aware you might get pregnant it isn't exactly unplanned iyswim?

OP posts:
Bohica · 22/06/2011 22:59

Well, after we were told that DH's cancer would make him infertile & the chemo took hold I was lax with contraception due to no sex life for 12 months.

One night after a nasty bout of his illness I decided to try & cheer him up like the good old days.

9 months later DD3 caame along, exactly one year after DH's last chemo session Smile

Judge away.

naturalbaby · 22/06/2011 23:00

i have an unplanned baby but if i'm brutaly honest with myself then i could describe it as planned. i'm not a naive child and it's not my first baby so i know how it works by now! at first i saw it as a mistake i made but think it is wrong to link the word mistake to a human being so describe it as unplanned but obviously meant to be.

how else would you describe it? it's either planned and deliberate or it isn't.

Pesha · 22/06/2011 23:00

DS1 was unplanned but was the result of getting carried away and being stupid one night. He wasn't a contraceptive failure, he was a common sense failure! But I'm very, very glad it happened (and it was a fantastic night!!).

DP and I succesfully used withdrawal method for years but I knew that if I had got pg again at any time I would have been happy with that. We then decided to have another baby and I am now 39 weeks pg. I will not be relying on withdrawal again though as I am adamant that I don't want anymore.

KoolAidKid · 22/06/2011 23:01

Some people use natural contraception methods (like the rhythm method) and get pregnant. They weren't using any physical or hormonal contraception so it didn't 'fail' as such.

Loads of people use the withdrawal method.

People take a risk, for many many reasons. For instance they've forgotten contraception, they think they'll be ok just this once, they are drunk, they think it's the wrong time of the month to get pregnant.

Some people, whilst not actively wanting to get pregnant, feel it wouldn't be the end of the world if they did, so they are ok with taking the odd risk.

Some people feel quite ambivalent about getting pregnant so don't actively try, but don't take effective steps to stop getting pregnant either.

Ivortheengine8 · 22/06/2011 23:01

I don't see a problem with it if the children are wanted and its within a stable relationship.
I can't take the pill because of clotting problems so it was basically using a condom (didn't fancy anything implanted) and it just seemed strange using that when we were married. We knew we wanted another child, just didnt realise it would such 'little' time, but hey, we got used to the idea and thats how it will be. Just natures way really.

Catholics for example don't even agree with the use of contraception so all their pregnancies are 'unplanned'

sheepgomeep · 22/06/2011 23:01

My 3 girls were all planned though although dd3 was more of 'well if it happens it happens'

She did Grin

corriefan · 22/06/2011 23:02

I agree, if you're not using contraception, there's a chance you could conceive, yet friends have said to me they weren't trying. What do you do differently when you are trying then?

PacificDogwood · 22/06/2011 23:03

Why oh why do so many people who are told they may have problems conceiving hear "you cannot have children"??

It only takes 1 little swimmer to hit the jack pot Wink

I do understand getting carried away with the passion of the moment, but just kind of thinking 'oh, it won't happen' is just a bit Hmm

Original poster
sansae · 22/06/2011 23:06

not sure if you get what i mean - i never said it was a problem and i'm not judging anyone - it was more about DESCRIBING the little one as being unplanned when you're actively having unprotected sex (with no fertility issues i might add). surely you must think of what would happen if a baby came along.. and in my head that makes it planned

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 22/06/2011 23:06

when i was trying to get pregnant i spent every waking minute obsessing about it, every day analysing how i felt and every month counting down the days till my period was due or till i could test.

with my unplanned baby i spent a couple of weeks thinking 'oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit'. then 'oh fook' rather than 'woo hoo!'