AIBU to not understand how a baby can be "unplanned"

[sansae]

I can understand if contraceptive methods failed - condom broke - etc

but when you're actively having unprotected sex with no contraceptive method.. how is it unplanned?

One of my acquaintances recently told me she got pregnant, i'm chuffed for her but she said it was unplanned but she's very happy. so i asked, oh you mean your contraceptive method failed? She said oh, no, we weren't using anything!

aibu to not get this? perhaps it's just me being thick..

NettoSuperstars post was incredibly insensitive and lacking in empathy and compassion.

I have to say I am with you on this one OP.

I have a number of friends who have got pregnant "by accident" and it has subsequently transpired they weren't being careful, doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out you could get pregnant.

That said I guess they are genuinely shocked to find out they are pregnant so it is unplanned in the sense that they didn't think they would get pregnant but they must have known the risk.

I am like you OP and regard a genuine accident is one where the contraception fails, this happened to me (morning after pill didnt work)....

But people who just have unprotected sex and are then like "oh my god I am pregnant how did that happen" well they are being a bit stupid...

I terms of trying I would say, if you stop using protection becuase you want to become pregnant you are trying for a baby, but for some people that means just having regular sex and hey presto, for other people it is temperature charging, legs up in the air etc etc...we were pretty lucky as we didn't have to try too hard

I understand that, Oblomov, and i have seen it and i know how heartbreaking it must be

but in regards to my OP. if you're not "TTC" as such - not trying, testing, charting and everything, but just actively having unprotected sex

why would it be unplanned?

and no, i thought i made it clear in the first post, i'm not talking about drunken one night stands or failed MAP or people with fertility issues, i'm talking about couples with no known fertility issues, having REGULAR unprotected sex and calling their pregnancies unplanned, that's what confused me.

it not contraceptive is used then its more careless tbh

See, I thought I was 'trying' when I stopped contraception, was vaguely aware were I was in my cycle, started taking Folic Acid and was disappointed when my period arrived.

On the TTC boards, 'trying' seems to involve a whole other language, a lot of equipment (ovulation tests, anyone?), a huge emotional and time investment and a lot of heartache .

So I now think there is 'using contraception', 'not using contraception and seeing what happens' and 'trying' - I feel very lucky I got away with Option Nr 2 (after 3 MCs, aged 37 when I had DS1, premature DS2, further MC - and had DS3+4 without 'trying').

Oblomov, scrolling back, I do not find Netto's post at all insensitive. Like you say, it is a different journey for all of us.

Like the OP, I sometimes struggle to comprehend the shock expressed at a pregnancy when no contraception was used - you shagged, you did not prevent, Nature ran it's course. Where is the surprise element there??

I think for a lot of people "planned" means "scheduled", in that they have discussed it, come off contraception at an agreed time, and hope to get pregnant within a few months, maybe trying to make sure they have sex at the most likely times to increase their chances.

OTOH just not using contraception and "seeing what happens" isn't exactly planning.

FWIW I was one of 3 unplanned children - my parents assumed some children would come along in due course, got sloppy about contraception, and we naturally followed

Surely not using contraception every time you have sex is expecting a pregnancy. If I had unprotected sex esp around the middle of the month I would expect I was pregnant and wait for my period to check.

If I had unprotected sex and hadn't planned a baby I get myself the MAP.

And since when did trying automatically mean temping and checking OV? For me, trying meant coming off contraceptive and carrying on as normal until my period didn't arrive. Surely all that other stuff only happens when you are failing to conceive?

oblomov, I was desperate for a baby but at the same time convinced it wouldn't happen, I never believed I could be so lucky. To me at that time charting etc would have been too bold a move. It's hard to explain.
I know how hard it is to deal with other people getting pregnant etc.
I did conceive in the end, but lost it. Luckily i concieved again straight after.

I'm talking about the difference between a couple who have unprotected sex regularly and a couple who have unprotected sex regularly who have in their mind the possibility of conceiving. Teachnically and physically there is no difference, but the first couple could say it was unplanned. This I don't get. It's almost like a fertitily competition- ah we weren't trying so we are very fertile- well actually you were trying you just didn't call it that.

I think it's maybe about attitude to it happening/not happening - if it's "not planned", they would presumably not have been unhappy if it hadn't happened. If it was planned, and didn't happen, they would have been disappointed.

a planned baby is one you sit down and decide to make and an unplanned baby is the result of sex you have had either with failed contraception or none at all.

Also the week before your period you ARE very fertile, its on ur period and bit after you are least

I guess it's the popular culture concept of it - on TV/movies, people seem to be either actively trying with all the bells and whistles and chartings and devastation if negative or it's completely unplanned contraceptive error/drunken night and devastation shock when positive.

The inbetween of 'we're open to having a child so we're having sex without contraceptive, we expect to get pregnant but if not this time, oh well' seems to be lost somewhere without a proper term. I guess 'expected' would be a nice between for planned and unplanned.

So, I expected all of my children after we stopped using my cervical cap, we may have gone onto more planning for a child if it had taken us longer.

YABU... saying that not taking contraception = planning a baby is like saying not locking the back door = planning a burglary.

If I get pregnant again it would probably be officially 'unplanned', we are unsure about another child and are using condoms, but we are both of the mind that 'weeeeeel another baby wouldn't be a disaster...' so are pretty hit and miss.

But if I get knocked up, if someone asks me, I would probably say 'accident'.

first was unplanned and second was planned like a military operation. With first, no contraception but thought it wasn't my fertile time of the month plus we weren't having much sex at the time and took a chance I guess that I'd be unlikely to conceive. Second, did ovulation test for second month and it worked. Looks like I'm pretty fertile after all.

Fo me planning is when you talk about it, agree and expect to fall pregnant whether leaving it to nature or with all the extras. People are designed to be risky and take chances - or the human race would probably die out.

Our second baby was somewhere between Russian Roulette and planned. Breastfeeding has worked for me natural spacing (we're both very fertile and got pregnant every month we tried! I'd had a miscarriage and an extremely premature baby before my eldest was born) and we knew we wanted another so allowed it to happen naturally as my fertility returned. He was supposed to be visiting the GP but we allowed breastfeeding to work for us in the meantime. She was almost exclusively breastfed until 20ish months and the sudden drop in feeds had me immediately pregnant. I've told him I can't have sex until my stitches are out and he can't until his are out!

As someone else said you can't call a person a mistake and I'm over the moon to have her. I cried when I found out and told OH I hated him because I know how much of a toll pregnancy takes on my body, the constant contractions from 24 weeks and life in the NNU (I've been in for 4 weeks tomorrow!) But that's not my daughter's fault and I love her as much as if I'd planned her. I may tell her she was a surprise as we were always aware my sister had been but she always made it a positive thing.

His SIL was told she couldn't have children and had a honeymoon baby and another shortly after!

Actually, I do think that it's insensitive to want to tell women who are charting straight away to "get real". You don't know their circumstances at all. If someone is sub-fertile and reaching the end of her fertile years, then she really doesn't have a year to have fun and have passionate sex whenever in the month. If it doesn't work out after a year, then she is a year older and significantly less fertile than she was when she started. That year could absolutely make the difference between pregnancy and no pregnancy (and miscarriage increases with age too :( ).

We don't come with a best-before date stamped on our head. If you are in your mid- or late- thirties and you really want a baby, why wouldn't you increase your chances?

For every woman who stresses unnecessarily, there is another woman who has to have fertility treatment, or who doesn't ever have children.

See I would still say that if you aren't using contraception and are happy if a baby comes along and are just letting nature take its course, you are effectively trying for a baby, it may not come along as quickly as if you do all this other stuff (temperature charting etc) but you have decided you are happy to have a baby and are doing nothing to stop yourself having one.

Oh and Cogito round me leaving the backdoor unlocked would pretty much be planning a burglary...

We never did the whole temping and charting thing or stressing about 2WW. We decided to try without first and only do that if we had problems. We just went for alternative days and the first three pregnancies it worked.

I left a parenting forum after I was told I was making up my pregnancy because I hadn't been on the TTC board discussing my chart and had never said I was in the 2WW!

How's this for a conversation with a dr? I suffer from Raynauds and one day had been sitting on my foot (yes, I'm an idiot and still do it 12yrs later) I got up and didn't realise I had no feeling in it - not even pins and needles - as I tried to put it down it went backwards and crunched as I tried to put my weight through it. My sister rushed me to hospital where I had a conversation with the dr... first he got annoyed with me because I wouldn't tell him who did it! Then he came with the x-ray consent form and asked if I was pregnant.

Me: no
Dr: are you sure?
Me: yeees...
Dr: really?
Me: yeees...
Dr: how do you know?
Me: well apart from being on the pill? I'm using the most affective contraception known to man.
Dr: oh yes? What's that then? (Silly skeptical Dr had to ask!)
Me: Abstinence

The Dr said nothing else, spun round and stormed out! I was 18 and getting fed up with the assumption that all teenagers are at it! He was the 2nd Dr to be rude to me about my sex life. My dad - a radiographer but not doing x-rays that day - was furious! He said it was their job to ask and he shouldn't have gone on like that, no should be enough.

I was taught from a young age that if you don't want to get pregnant then use contraception. The opposite of this is don't use contraception if you do want to get pregnant. Or are teens taught that getting pregnant involves 'planning' and 'trying' now?

I got pregnant with my dd sooner than expected after one period when ds was 9 mths and on more solids, but I'd never say she was unplanned or an accident. I'd only say that if I'd been using contraception as well.
To me, 'unplanned' or 'not trying' implies that the people involved had no idea it might happen, when really it's not that difficult to work out and contraception is really easy to get hold of.

there's a difference between not preventing and actively trying i think, but its a very small one. we've not used contraception for about 6 years, but we certainly havent been trying all that time. number 1 was a wait and see (and we waited 14months, i wouldnt say we tried) and number 2 was about 20 months and 3 months of actual trying (just tracking cycle and aiming for ovulation). we're up to about 20 months again and we need to decide if are going to try or prevent. if i conceived now i would say they were unplanned, but that isn't the same as an accident to us.

thread hijack sorry

confuddled, can I just ask you about raynauds? I get bright white fingers and toes very easily and pins and needles and dead arms etc. How do you know if you have it and is there anything that can be done? I thought it was just related to cold not sitting on feet, I do that all the time, doh!

Because the blood flow is poor sitting or putting weight on a limb (sleeping on your arm for example) can cut the flow off quite easily and I find I often lose the flow completely which has caused me to fall a few times because I don't know - if you can't feel anything you can't feel it's gone IYSWIM. I also cut my arm off by sleeping with it above my head and then can't bring it back!

I find my nails are always blue whatever temperate I am, if I get cold my hands and to some extent my feet (obviously feet are more wrapped up than hands) if I go in the freezer I get tingly pain in my fingers, the last few years I've been getting it with the fridge too and pouring cold drinks from the fridge make my hands go stiff. I've had to ask OH to take a drink out of my hands before it overflows because I can't move my fingers. There's not a lot can be done about it, mostly keeping warm. When I'm cold I wear manicure gloves inside and proper gloves on top when I go out. It can be part of another autoimmune disease (I have Hughes Syndrome for example which is a rather common reason for it) so it's worth getting a proper diagnosis so they can look into it.

I also get it in the early days of breastfeeding in my nipples and have to try to avoid baby breathing on it as she comes off! Also get it in the roof of my mouth occasionally.

I hope I've made sense, I'm on my phone and it's hard to read what I'm writing properly.

Well I think this is a pretty good thread. It made me think! :)
I can see where you are coming from sansae, pretty hard to grasp the concept and I think people have different ideas about what is planned/unplanned. Interesting topic!

sansae I know exactly what you mean. I had it drummed into me I had better not get pregnant so was always very careful.