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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand how a baby can be "unplanned"

104 replies

sansae · 22/06/2011 22:44

I can understand if contraceptive methods failed - condom broke - etc

but when you're actively having unprotected sex with no contraceptive method.. how is it unplanned?

One of my acquaintances recently told me she got pregnant, i'm chuffed for her but she said it was unplanned but she's very happy. so i asked, oh you mean your contraceptive method failed? She said oh, no, we weren't using anything!

aibu to not get this? perhaps it's just me being thick..

OP posts:
Mumwithadragontattoo · 23/06/2011 00:17

For what it's worth in our case when the midwife at booking in asked if the pregnancy was planned I said 'yes; just happened a bit earlier than we'd thought'.

maras2 · 23/06/2011 00:26

I planned both of my children, what I didn't plan on was the heat wave / drought of 1976, or the snow blizzards of 1981. Still we all lived to tell the tale.

Scheherezadea · 23/06/2011 00:26

OP - you rpost came acros as suggesting that those of us whose pregnancies were unplanned, implies our babies are unwanted. Or at least, it did for me, but then I am quite hormonal and touchy!

It wasn't an active decision to have sex that day, in order to conceive. Therefore, it was unplanned. But very, very much wanted and loved.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 23/06/2011 00:35

dd1 was definitely "planned". We talked about it, I came off the pill, we both waited to see if I was pregnant each month and were a bit disappointed when I wasn't. Each month I calculated when the baby would be born "if I get pregnant this month"

dd2 was unplanned. We knew we wanted at least one more child, but assumed it wouldn't happen for a while. I was on the mini-pill and bf'ing, but I stopped taking mini-pill as it was making me mad. DH knew this, we had our first night out since dd1's birth, a bit of a "what the hell" moment and bingo! We both knew it could happen, but that wasn't our main aim! Bit of a shock, despite knowing it was a possible (but unlikely, we thought!) consequence. Definitely not unwanted, just unplanned.

I see the definition between "hoping to get pregnant" and "not too worried about getting pregnant"/ "not thinking it likely you'll get pregnant"

Having unprotected sex doesn't automatically result in pregnancy every time (unless you are a cat or a rabbit- reflex ovulators you know!) Just as driving a car doesn't result in a collision every time, although you know there is a risk of it every time you drive. Or you could "plan" a holiday, down to the last detail, for months, OR see one in the travel agents window, go in on a whim, book it and leave the next day- unplanned!

Original poster
sansae · 23/06/2011 00:36

Scheh - not at all! As i said, i think it was more an issue of terms more than anything - i never suggested your unplanned babies were unwanted but i just said i think that if you are having unprotected sex you must have thought about the option of getting pregnant - i would consider that planned

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 23/06/2011 00:37

I never knew what to say when people asked "Are you trying for a baby?" (Bloody rude question anyway, imo!) We'd stopped contraception, therefore we'd decided we wouldn't mind a baby. But trying? Nah.

sheepgomeep · 23/06/2011 00:38

Sansae I didn't think anything at the time of the deed, I was too bloody pissed. I had no thought at all of the consequences. It was only afterwards that I thought 'oh shit'.

Even if I hadn't made that decision to go and get emergency contraception my son was still unplanned as we were both hammered and not thinking about consequences

Morloth · 23/06/2011 00:40

I don't know about unplanned with DS2 we thought we would just see what happened, he wasn't exactly planned but not avoided either.

With DS1 we were actively trying, charting etc.

But yes it is pretty thick to have unprotected sex and then be surprised by the ensuing pregnancy.

sheepgomeep · 23/06/2011 00:50

I was thick to get so drunk I could barely remember having sex. We had been together 4 years and so careful with contraception except for that one mad night. I realized afterward what I'd done though esp after the map failed. He was very much wanted though, after the initial shock

VforViennetta · 23/06/2011 00:57

Dd was unplanned, we fell into the drunken idiots category, neither of us can remember if we used something that failed or just didn't bother Blush.

We have 2 boys that were planned in that we actively stopped using contraception. I do get your point that no contraception=ttc, however we do half use the rhythm method, I get very obvious signs that I am about to/ovulating so we are happy to take a risk at other times, it's odd actually because we have never discussed it, it just happens this way.

We don't want another baby but it wouldn't particularly be the end of the world either, but if another baby would be the worst thing ever, we would take more permanent forms of contraception I think.

Original poster
sansae · 23/06/2011 01:00

What i don't seem to get is - my friend is married, not using contraception and got pregnant - her words were something like "i'm happy i'm pregnant but it was unplanned!" i just don't get how it's unplanned

I have another friend that got pregnant recently and she described it as "well, we weren't trying not to get pregnant so it wasn't unplanned" i think that kind of describes it

OP posts:
VforViennetta · 23/06/2011 01:00

More succinctly YANBU, no contraception=ttc, you don't have to be examining your saliva under a microscope or investing heavily in clearblue to get pg.

x2boys · 23/06/2011 09:40

i know a few people with unplanned children and they were all reasonably inteligent and not paticularly young and naieve including my mum with my older sister this was early seventies they were both catholic and not married so was a big deal at the time however they got married[my mum and dad]had my sister then me and will be celebrating their ruby wedding in august so all in all worked out just fine

Dozer · 23/06/2011 09:44

"Not trying not protecting" in TTC lingo.

kickingking · 23/06/2011 09:54

I think people understand 'trying' as meaning different things. IMO not using contraception, if there is any chace you could become pregnant is trying, but not everyone would agree Hmm

We stopped using contraception and hoped we would become pregnant. I would call that trying. Some people would call that 'seeing what happens' and would call charting/temping, etc 'trying'.

I remember saying to my SIL that my dates had changed at the scan, I was now 13 weeks according to LMP and 12 weeks according to the scan and the scan tallied with what I thought. She said "oh were you trying?"

I was quite offended that she thought the pregnancy was unplanned, but in hindsight I think the mention of dates made her think we were doing lots of temping and charting and stuff, which we weren't.

kickingking · 23/06/2011 09:57

I also saw this confusion over terminology at the doctors the other month, with this conversation.

Doctor: You're not pregnant, are you?
Me: No. Well, not that I know of!
Doctor: Are you trying to become pregnant?
Me: No, no.
Doctor: Are you using contraception?

Hmm
SexyDomesticatedDab · 23/06/2011 09:58

DS4 was unplanned - night out with DCs at a friends 40th summer party and well.......just got mixed up on some dates and took a chance...we had never planned to add a last one - but very glad we did. Then sorted out a premanent fix Wink.

Xiaoxiong · 23/06/2011 10:02

I'd disagree that not using contraception should be described as "trying" to conceive, at least in my mind.

When DH and I sat down and talked about future plans, our ages, our financial situation and the possibility of children, we knew we wanted kids "next year or the year after" but knew we definitely didn't want to actively try for a baby (ie. temperature charting, ovulation sticks, tracking cycles etc etc) which we have seen others go through and knew how miserable it was. We figured it was better to conceive just having fun, before it became an obsession and a stressful part of our lives.

The GP told me that after coming off the pill I happened to be on, it would probably take a year to re-establish regular cycles, so I stopped taking the pill at the end of Jan thinking we wouldn't conceive until Christmas. When we found out 2 weeks later I was pregnant it was a (pleasant) shock.

So, while we were not actively trying to prevent conception, neither of us would have described ourselves as "trying" for a baby, and it was still a big surprise to us and doesn't quite fit into my career plans to go off on maternity leave so soon. I'd even go so far as to say it was "unplanned" because it has happened a year earlier than we expected.

MrsTittleMouse · 23/06/2011 10:17

^I see planned now as meaning using all this stuff and shagging to a schedule.
I often see people all stressed about it, after 10 minutes 2 months of this measuring, and want to tell them to get real.
Why make sex so clinical?^

Hm yes, I can understand how it can seem strange and that a lot of these women will be introducing stress into their relationship that needn't be there. However, from what I read, there is no-one on this thread that has had fertility problems - in fact, quite the opposite! The trouble is that if you don't meet the right man until you are older, then you are up against quite a tight schedule. A "wasted" year where you are having fantastic spontaneous sex, but at the wrong time of the month, could mean the difference between having a baby and remaining childless. I can think of at least 4 friends off the top of my head who I know would have liked children, but they are now in or approaching their 40s and are married, but there are no children on the scene. And these aren't "oh, I'll have them later so that I can carry on with my fantastic glamorous life" women either, life just got in the way. It's very sad. :(

(We had massive fertility problems, but were very lucky and with treatment we now have two DDs - my doctor was very emphatic that fertility takes a big decline after 33, and a bigger decline at 37.)

hellzapoppin · 23/06/2011 10:34

It irritates me that people need to know. I'm asked all the bloody time often by people I barely know - 'Was it planned?'

You are somehow judged if you say No ('Oh dear, an accident') Yet assumed to have been eyeball deep in ovulation charts and temperature sticks if you say yes.

I reply 'The gods decreed it' and get a cats bum face back.

Rocky12 · 23/06/2011 10:35

I agree with the OP. There is no reason in this day and age to have an unplanned pregancy. I saw the documentary on the premature babies the other day - I wanted to turn off as it was upsetting but that stupid stupid 21 year old with 2 children already who couldnt be bothered to visit her young baby who was going through heart surgery - well words fail me.

I expect that all her pregancies were 'unplanned' or maybe they werent! And yes, I am judging her. She was incredibly stupid to have so many children with no partner and no way of supporting herself.

Allinabinbag · 23/06/2011 10:40

'Trying for a baby' to me means stopping contraception. Discussion that you might get pregnant and checking that wouldn't be a disaster, then just having a normal love life. It doens't involve massive effort, just the removal of the effort of not getting pregnant.

I am also amazed by how many people who are surprised that not using contraception (or taking antibiotics) means they might get pregnant. If you really don't want to get pregnant you could even use two types at once, like I have.

SpecialFriedRice · 23/06/2011 10:47

My DD was unplanned.

I was drunk, he was drunk, we didn't have a condom. I tried to do quick period maths, while drunk remember, and figured I was about a week away from ovulation so I'd be fine.

Obviously I'm crap at maths while drunk and didnt take into account sperms lifespan as my DD was born 9 months later.

Best unplanned thing to ever happen!

crje · 23/06/2011 12:04

I ovulate twice some months so am super fertile.......
2 of my 4 children were unplanned .........

Oblomov · 23/06/2011 12:15

"What do you do differently when you are trying then?", asked Corriefan.
And OP is basically asking the same question, I think.
If you wnat to know, why don't you go ontot he TTC threads. You will see woman who really want a baby. The trying. The testing. The emotional rollercoaster.
Dh and I never tried for our 2 ds's. But after a mc, I felt differently about wanting dc2.
What does 'trying' involve, you ask?
I think its a large spectrum.Some of us are at one end of the spectrum. Many of us never get on that spectrum at all. because we never have to try.
But I think you could probably Guess how heartbreaking it is to try for a baby. Bet you have some idea.