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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with my husband for thinking that 'something in wrong' with our DS?

79 replies

Swarski · 21/06/2011 20:45

My DS aged 7 has always struggled to concentrate, but mostly does well at school. He is very good at reading (free reader) and average at maths. His handwriting is not great and he struggles to get his ideas down on paper.

He is sociable and has lots of friends and regularly gets asked to play at others houses. He has a really active imagination and is always inventing stories and makes very complex structures out of paper and sellotape to support his stories.

However, the teacher asked to talk to me after school as he has been annoying the other children by making funny noises in class and has been rude a couple of times. I went in to speak to her and he apologised and promised to try and behave.

My husband is convinced that there is something wrong with him - like ADHD, and says that I am 'in denial' and deal with him all wrong - molly coddleing him and not telling him off when he is naughty!!

I am fuming and think that he is just a normal 7 year old with an active imagination and a lovely character...I am being unreasonable to expect my DH to also see him like this?

OP posts:
Pumpster · 21/06/2011 20:48

Or you're in denial, very hard to say just on this information!

reelingintheyears · 21/06/2011 20:48

Sounds like a fairly normal little boy to me.

Pumpster · 21/06/2011 20:49

'something wrong' is quite emotive, possibly he does need extra help? I would talk to the teacher again.

fairydoll · 21/06/2011 20:49

Your words 'he is just a normal 7 year old with an active imagination and a lovely character.'

teachers words 'he has been annoying the other children by making funny noises in class and has been rude a couple of times'

husbands words 'molly coddleing him and not telling him off when he is naughty!!'

Just try and read the above objectively, as if it were somebody else's child !

Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 20:51

Accept that I may be in denial, but he just seems like a normal, if slightly quirky, little boy to me. I worry that my DH is judging him because he is not like him (v high achiever academically and v rule focused) and our DD (aged 9) who is very compliant and v academic.

I just think that we should love him for who he is and celebrate that he gets us all involved with his imaginary games, not try and mould him to be like us...

DH thinks we should get 'a medic' to look at him!

Think also that part of issue is that DS hates football and this is DH main passion in life....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 20:51

your husbands opinion is just as valid as yours,he's an equal parent too!!

quietlysuggests · 21/06/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarekidding · 21/06/2011 20:54

My DS is similar and I hate to admit at times I've wondered if somethings 'not quite right' iyswim?

I am strict though and certainly not a molly cuddling type Blush

Have another word with his teacher. I think you need an outsiders perspective. Does she think he's being naughty or theres 'something wrong'?

Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 20:55

fairydoll I do tell him off, but don't think that it is ok to tell him off just because he does no want to play football, which is main root of disagreement with DH.

Have asked the teacher directly if she thought that there were anything more serious wrong and she answered that he is 'no different from 50% of the class' who struggle to concentrate and have the odd 'off day'. He is in year 2 and this is the only the second time that the teacher has spoken to me about his behaviour. Most parents evenings are that he is a well behaved polite child with a great imagination...

OP posts:
Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 20:57

Agree that DH has an equal role in this, but I worry that his view is based on the fact that DS is not like him (but has a similar character to his brother who he does not get on with). The teacher has been quite clear when asked out right that she does not think that there is anything wrong with DS and she spends a lot more time with him than DH does...

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 21/06/2011 21:00

Your DH is being unreasonable to be angry or resentful towards his son because he does not like football. Does he really scold him for this?

ratspeaker · 21/06/2011 21:00

If someone else had written the OP how would you respond

The fact that your DS teacher has raised some issues with you maybe needs addressed

The concentration/handwriting/maths make me wonder about dyslexia, mainly as my DD had similar issues but wasn't diagnosed until she was at university ( her brother we twigged about in primary school )

activate · 21/06/2011 21:02

he's a parent too and his viewpoint has as much validity as your own

so what do the teachers think? have you tried asking them?

Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 21:03

I had thought about dyslexia as his handwriting is poor, but his reading is way above average..

OP posts:
Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 21:04

activate - I have asked his teacher and her view is that he is 'like 50% of the class who sometimes struggle to concentrate and have the occasional off day'. I asked direct if she thought that there was more to it and she said no.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 21/06/2011 21:22

Well considering I said he sounds like my DS (even down to the football) and my DS is year 2 maybe it is an age thing. Smile My brother thinks DS needs to 'man up' Hmm

Difference is my DS excells at maths but can't write very well in that he can't get his ideas on paper and is only an average reader.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 21/06/2011 21:23

There's nothing 'wrong' with having dyslexia or ADHD, thanks very much. Hmm

youarekidding · 21/06/2011 21:30

No, I agree I'm dyslexic. I think my DS may be mildly (and DEST in yr R picked up ossibility of mild dyslexia). And he is like the OP's DS to the point I could have written the post.

Dyslexics just learn differently - thay still learn.

ChaoticAngelofLitha · 21/06/2011 21:31

There may be something wrong, equally there may be nothing wrong and he's just occasionally naughty, kids can be naughty without there being something wrong.

If your DH genuinely thinks there is something wrong with your DS, not just the disliking football Hmm, he can make an appointment with your GP, who should be able to get him referred.

HumphreyCobbler · 21/06/2011 21:35

So your DH thinks that your son may have a medical condition that would be made better if you got stricter and more disciplinarian in style with your interactions with him? I don't think he has thought this through.

It sounds from you OP as if you are upset that he is so negative about your son. I can understand that.

Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 21:35

I absolutely agree that the is nothing wrong with having dyslexia or ADHD- this is partially my issue with my DH- he sees it as a 'problem' that we have to address. My sister is severely dyslexic and her son has ADHD and they are both normal and lovely.
I have v poor concentration, but have learned to cope with it and have a v good job in a senior position.

I think what I am struggling with is the idea that my DH thinks that 'something is wrong' with DS and I just think that he is a unique person who is different to everyone else, including me and DH. If I thought he had ADHD or dyslexia I would definitely get him support as I know what a difference this can make. But he just not fit either- unless I have dyslexia wrong as he has some of the characteristics, but the fact that he can read anything and everything and understand it makes me think that he is just poor at writing?

OP posts:
Ben10isthespawnofthedevil · 21/06/2011 21:41

Might be worth a look at this list of dyspraxia symptoms

ellodarlin · 21/06/2011 21:41

Firstly, What fairydoll said

Secondly, if your DH has genuine concerns why doesn't he make an appointment to see the class teacher and the GP to discuss his concerns instead of berating you for mollycoddling him.

Original poster
Swarski · 21/06/2011 21:43

HumphreyCobbler- having just read this all through, I have realised that you are absolutely right. I am just so tired of every discussion about DS being negative. He is not perfect, but he is a lovely little boy who brings me joy every day. I love him for what he is and if he is dyslexic, ADHD, whatever I will still love him for being him. It feels like DH just wants him to be 'normal' (whatever that is) and the fact that he does not like football and does like 'imaginary play' should (IMO) not make DH be so critical of him.

OP posts:
Ben10isthespawnofthedevil · 21/06/2011 21:43

Just wanted to say that I thought that my son was just a unique person but didn't realise that he had a pattern of dyspraxia symptoms