To be fuming with my husband for thinking that 'something in wrong' with our DS?

[Swarski]

My DS aged 7 has always struggled to concentrate, but mostly does well at school. He is very good at reading (free reader) and average at maths. His handwriting is not great and he struggles to get his ideas down on paper.

He is sociable and has lots of friends and regularly gets asked to play at others houses. He has a really active imagination and is always inventing stories and makes very complex structures out of paper and sellotape to support his stories.

However, the teacher asked to talk to me after school as he has been annoying the other children by making funny noises in class and has been rude a couple of times. I went in to speak to her and he apologised and promised to try and behave.

My husband is convinced that there is something wrong with him - like ADHD, and says that I am 'in denial' and deal with him all wrong - molly coddleing him and not telling him off when he is naughty!!

I am fuming and think that he is just a normal 7 year old with an active imagination and a lovely character...I am being unreasonable to expect my DH to also see him like this?

Cat64 You are obviously a very tolerant teacher. When both my DS's were in Year 2 (and younger) there were a couple of boys who's mums were called in almost daily to discuss something or other their son had done/not done. All of which was pretty normal 7 year old behaviour, just maybe taken a little too far. Neither has any SNs & both calmed down tolerably by Year 4/5 .

whose not who's

Good luck, keep us posted (nott least on whether your dh actually does anything!)

people were telling me that there was something wrong with my daughter, i was saying no, no she is fine just taking her time, she just a little different. turns out severe autism. not suggesting your son has this but might be worth looking in to instead of waiting like me till your in a situation were it is undeniable.

Agree that your DH has as much of an opinion as you. Your opinion differs and his teacher is not a medical professional. Perhaps it's time to take a trip to the GP and if everything is fine, great.

well if its any help, I used to get told off for making silly noises in class - I was just bored out of my fucking mind and wanted to liven the place up. I also made things - in my case out of soaked toilet paper that I dried in the airing cupboard. In our day, no-one thought for a minute anything was wrong, just that I was 'excitable'

I am not autistic, dispraxic or ADHD. I do get bored and flit about subjects when talking and like doing several things at once and have an IW circa 146 (which my parents never seemed to be proud of). If some idiot tried to medicate me I would be fuming....

I know some guys think that guys who don't like football are gay, or untrustworthy - but it used to mean 'not working class' so go figure. I remember at Uni it suddenly became a universal idea that all men, including middle class men, should at least pretend to like football - the shower of idiots who suddenly pretended to be really into local teams was utterly depressing to watch.

Have spoken to the teacher today after school - he was 'perfectly behaved' (her words) today. I asked her if she thought that there was any underlying problem with him, such as dyspraxia that we should get assessed and she said no that in her view he has an overactive imagination that sometimes takes him 'into his own world' and that is why he struggles to concentrate. She also said that this makes him a delight to teach when he is interested as he 'throws himself into the subject'.

Am now really confused. Is an 'overactive imagination' a problem? Seems like it might be if it means that he is not engaged with classroom activities all the time? DH view is that he has to be 'made to' work hard as he (DH) did not get where he is today by 'mucking about'.....

Still think that the biggest issue is that he is different from DH and I worry that this will affect their relationship longer term...

Obviously we are only reading one side of this but I am certainly getting the picture that the issues lie with your DH not your DS. Will he only love his son if he's a football playing A' grade student? If so that is tragic :(

Have only skimmed so sorry if I repeat or the convo has moved elsewhere.

For years and years I was the only person in our house that thought 'something was off' with DS1 (now 9). In the entire extended family, MIL was the only one to agree with me. In the earlier school years DS was able to blend in with the other kids fairly easily, but as time went on it was obvious he was having more and more difficulties with the school work and the social aspects. DS was diagnosed with non-verbal learning disorder earlier this year.

He, too, is a lovely little boy. He has struggled to read (atypical of this disorder btw) and he struggles with math. His handwriting is horrific. He has a vivid imagination and verbally he sounds like a mini-adult, but he can't get those thoughts onto paper. He does not pick up on nonverbal cues at all, cannot tell when someone is getting annoyed by his constant chatter, cannot tell when behaviour is inappropriate, even if you have told him over and over.

I asked his teacher last September if she thought there was something going on, and she said no. I told her I was going to get him assessed for Aspbergers (NVLD is v. similar to Aspbergers, I had never heard of NVLD at that point) and the learning support teacher told me she would be very surprised if he had it. I went ahead with the assessment anyway. So, so glad that I did.

IME, it doesn't hurt to speak to an expert, and may help to put everyone's mind at ease.

To add, I am with DS the most, but MIL, who also noticed it, only saw him for 2 weeks every 2 years or so.

7 year old boy has poor concentration sometimes - shock horror! You can't compare boys with girls at that age, but IMO being creative AND not liking football sounds like a sign of intelligence :)

But DH has a right to air views to you, and if there is dyslexia it doesnt hurt to have it sorted sooner rather than later.

I'm wondering if DH's issue is that DS doesn't fit his notion of what a "man" looks like

DS3 has ASD. His autism manifests itself in odd noises and inappropriate/rude comments (cringing still at him shouting 'Bye bye fatty!' at dh's overweight sister last weekend). As far as his learning goes, he's about average (his inability to follow instructions or concentrate on anything he's not interested in has meant that he's not achieved as much as he ought to - he's actually very very bright).

It was incredibly shocking and upsetting when the educational psychologist told us, even though we've known all along that he was different to our other children, and had long suspected autism.

OP - you need to follow this up. It could be that there is an issue with your son. I'm so glad I pursued my concerns about my ds with the school. I know he won't realise his full potential without extra help, which he's now getting.

MissingFriend, it is highly unlikely that anyone would want to try to medicate the OPs ds even if he did turn out to have ASD or related problems. Far more likely that they would be seeing an EdPsych to discuss ways of keeping him engaged in the class room. The majority of children with ASD/on the autistic spectrum are not on medication.

OP, there is no way we can tell whether you are right or your dh is right or the teacher might have a third take on the situation.

What you do need to try to do is to work with your dh - and get him to work with you; otherwise there is going to be continuous friction and your ds will get caught in the middle.

Tell your dh that you are prepared to take his worries seriously and that your first port of call must be to see the teacher. Then make an appointment for both of you (if your dh grumbles about taking time off work, point out that if there is a genuine SN, his work is likely to suffer some disruption because that's what life is like for parents of children with SN).

Then tell your dh that as you are listening to his concerns, he needs to do the same for you: and you are concerned that he is not spending enough time engaging with your ds on his terms. Tell him his part of the deal is to spend x amount of time every weekend with your ds on some non-competitive activity that your ds enjoys and where he is not to criticise your ds unless he is actively being naughty.

When you get to see the teacher, make your question neutral and non-leading, something like what cat64 suggested.

my DD has ASD, probably ADHD and various other things but I don't like to call her "not normal" or say there is something "wrong" with her..not good terminology.

anyway I see you have agreed with that earlier, just hard to read a thread full of "normal"

OP I think you need to discuss with your husband whether he has serious concerns about your DS or whether he just finds him frustrating.

If it is the formewr then I would at least look into hvaing your DS assessed. How could it hurt?

We have a child in our extended family who I would say is clearly on the spectrum, but the mother has been put off pursuing any sort of help by the father and the aunts and uncles who all say he's just unique, or different, or 'a boy'. The consequence has been years and years of watching him struggle with friendships, school, change etc

Sounds like the main problems are that you think your DH favours DD and is negative about DS; and that you disagree about what behaviour should / should not be encouraged / punished in DS.

The "medical/SEN" stuff is a red herring, although as others have said, you could always have him assessed if you have the money for this.

Think you need to have it out with your DH at a time when the kids aren't around, or even get help in discussing your joint parenting (books, counsellor etc). Could turn into a big problem longer-term if your DH has expectations of DS that he can't live up to, DS is put into a naughty / lazy role, DD the compliant, high achiever role and you the protective-mother role.

From the info provided it sounds like your DH is being unreasonable. So what if DS doesn't like football?

Thanks for all the advise. Myself and DH are going away next weekend without the kids so will try and have this conversation in a neutral environment. I am happy to listen to his concerns and have DS 'tested' if it makes him feel more comfortable about DS.

Agree with Dozer about roles..this is exactly what I want to avoid. I was always the clever, sensible one and the pressure of this was often unbearable and came out in some pretty self-destructive and stupid behaviour when I was at Uni. My sis was always the 'funny one who struggles at school' and my mum never expected her to do her homework or work at school and she left school with no qualifications.

YOur DS sounds a bit like mine - who is regarded as having slight dyspraxia. His school are marvellous about kids with additional needs and he gets extra support now and again. He will pretty much grow out of it, he pretty much has - his hand writing has improved, his concentration's better etc etc - and there is nothing wrong with being a little bit different.
However, your H is a mundane conformist prick and that's a problem. Tell him to get the fuck over himself before he damages his relationship with his son.

"From my experience, if your DS did have ASD or something similar it would have become an issue before the age of 7. If these are the first concerns that anyone has had with him, I would imagine that everything is fine."

well, you know I'm just not sure. I had concerns about ds1 being not quite right, for a long time. So I totally get your dh.
Ds is very bright, avid reader, bad handwriting, no reciprocal freinds. Shouted out and was rude in Year 2, and that was the first time they had seen any problems. School still insist there are no issues. We got a CAMHS diagnosis of Aspergers last month.

"I totally agree that if school don't have a problem then there probably isn't one."
well thtas often not true. at all. I mean so wrong its untrue. ask some of the Aspergers parents what the school thinks and you might find how unsupported some of us are.

Oblomov - if that was directed at me, I am an Aspergers parent .

Was also going to add that it is not at all abnormal for a 7 y/o boy not to like football - my DS's and quite a few of their friends weren't that interested in it and even now aren't as teenagers. Rugby, various martial arts, ice hockey, bedminto, tennis....all have come and gone in various spurts of enthusiasm.

Come to think of it many of the men I know aren't bothered about football either.