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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so pissed off that my cousin and her 'fiance' are part of whats wrong with society?

159 replies

CrapBag · 21/06/2011 19:31

I'll be honest, I don't think teenage pregnancy is a good thing. I am the result of a teenage pregnancy and I am very bitter about it tbh. I had a really really shit life for the first few years and it has left with with a lot of emotional scars.

My 16 year old cousin met a bloke (he is 20) about 3-4 months ago. Within weeks she was engaged to him and living in his bedsit (with my aunts approval as she decided she couldn't stop her). Now my cousin is pregnant, it was planned. Neither of them work. His solution is to get a grant the are apparently going to be entitled to and his sister is moving out her of 2 bedroom council flat so he is going to try and get that.

Unfortunately I don't live in the same place as them as if I knew him I would tell him to get off his lazy ass, stop getting drunk and playing x box and get a fucking job. But no, they are perfectly happy to bring a baby into the world knowing full well they cannot support it. My cousin is very young for her years and the laziest person I know. She couldn't even handle that doll thing you can get from school that is suppose to be like a baby. She had it for one night and it cried loads and she tried to switch it off which didn't work so she just buried it under a load of blankets. I know it wasn't real but if she couldn't handle that for one night, what hope is she going to have of looking after a real baby that you can't stuff under some blankets when it won't stop crying.

I'm sure that there are people who had babies in their teens where it has turned out ok, but I know my cousin only too well. This isn't going to turn out well. He is only the latest in a long line of boys that she 'loves'.

It pisses me right off.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 21/06/2011 21:03

I just know that my cousin is going to struggle because I know her.

But she is only 16 so its fair to say the 'her' you know is her during her childhood and young teens yes?

She may suddenly grow up....as lots her age do particularly ones that become parents.

Strumpypumpy · 21/06/2011 21:03

Just to correct a point there, unborn babies can be on the at risk register. Not this baby as far as I know. Given what you've said.
Also I met my DH when I was 22 and moved in with him within 3 months, married at 23. Perhaps he is the one. Maybe she's more mature than you give her credit for. Just saying.

crazynanna · 21/06/2011 21:04

This would be a good tattoo...

Postman Pat
Postman Pat
Where's my Giro
You fat twat Grin

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 21:05

MarianneM I was abused for the first 4 years of my life. My 'mother' obviously denied it to SS. They couldn't prove it so they did nothing. My 'mother' luckily done me a favour and fucked off one day but SS were willing to let me go with her to her new city and put me in foster care so she could visit if she wanted to.

There would have to be serious proof of abuse before anything would happen, and even then some things can be explained away and they accept the explanations.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 21:06

Crazynanna that did make me laugh!!

OP posts:
tethersend · 21/06/2011 21:07

People do have children without being able to support them financially.

They always have done, and they probably always will.

It's all very well saying that people shouldn't, but they do. Once the children are there, they need to be taken care of. If the parents cannot or will not finance their care through earning and the state doesn't finance their care through benefits paid to their parents, then what exactly is the alternative?

MarianneM · 21/06/2011 21:07

Yes OP, but that is terrible. They should intervene much sooner.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 21:10

It is a good point tethersend. Of course the child should be looked after and provided for. It just makes me angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 21:10

They should intervene sooner, as proven by a couple of high profile cases. Sad

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWoman · 21/06/2011 21:12

crapbag you,ve has the worst possible start,Sad but sound like you,ve come through it a sane person. Help your cousin, you already said she looks up to you, you could be there for her, if things do start to go badly, you could be the one person who makes all the difference.

findabetterolemodel · 21/06/2011 21:13

Think you're on to a loser here OP - it's obvious to anyone that this is a car crash waiting to happen but most of the posters on here are determined to ignore the obvious and be difficult about it and have a go at you instead. Good luck to your cousin and I'm sure you'll do what you can.

LolaRennt · 21/06/2011 21:13

Your aunt wants a smack from the sounds of it. I feel very bad for your cousin.

She's young and silly. He's not young but clearly equally silly. They both need a talking to really and your cousin needs a good hard dose of reality if she plans on keeping this baby. Get her round to help you with youur children for a few days. And when the shit hits the fan as it will eventually try and be there for her. Sounds like your aunt won't be.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 21:13

MarianneM Tue 21-Jun-11 21:01:45
'Tiffany, that is probably true, unfortunately. So you think it's ok that these kids are very likely to neglect their baby and no-one will care or even know? That the baby will have to be seriously abused or neglected before anyone intervenes? Sick.
'

you are being ridiculous!!

JoySzasz · 21/06/2011 21:14

crapbag I think only you know your cousin.

I believe placing this question in AIBU,was not the right place.

Depending on how the weather is Wink will depend on the responses you are given here.

If, when the baby is born, and you are still concerned you will have an obligation to inform SS.

If you don't mind telling us,how old are you?

It is possible your childhood is making this all the more difficult, if it was not all that long ago ...it will also taint your feelings and make them more acute.

MarianneM · 21/06/2011 21:15

Tiffany - how?

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 21:17

by assuming young parents are going to abuse their baby?? and because you tink ss should be involved at this stage!!

LDNmummy · 21/06/2011 21:19

This is nothing to do with teen parenting. Actually it is to do with parenting full stop. Was her mother a teen parent? If not from what you have said her mother has failed to offer much parenting and that should tell you that bad parenting is nothing to do with age.

I understand your concerns but it is about the individual, not someones age. There are plenty of older people who make crappy parents. You are projecting your own issues onto the situation. Do you think they would have been any better than this had they had the baby when her age was 20?

MarianneM · 21/06/2011 21:19

I don't "tink" that SS would intervene at this stage, although given what the OP has said, I think they should.

And I don't assume that all young parents are going to abuse their baby, but these particular young parents sound like they might.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 21:21

yeah yeah,a typo!! yawn....

crazynanna · 21/06/2011 21:21

Crapbag....Grin
Got it from a pissed busker banging a paint tin on the Northern Line...I gave him a quid Wink

sunshineandbooks · 21/06/2011 21:22

Ok, clearly this baby is being born into less than ideal circumstances, but since it's not possible to send it back, the only important question is what happens next.

16 is young to have a baby. I wouldn't want it for my DD simply because i know how hard I found it (and mine were very much wanted and planned). But in general I think young teenage mums get a very bad press TBH. Most are pretty amazing at how they measure up once the baby arrives, and some are bloody miraculous, almost as if they are so desperate to prove that they are not a fuckup that they work extra hard at it and put many more mature parents to shame.

Every mother of every age has to mature once a baby has arrived. You either cope or you don't. Most do, otherwise we'd see an awful lot more kids in care. What's definite is that these parents are going to struggle much more if they experience nothing but criticism and condemnation.

OP I can see why you have doubts and I wouldn't expect you to help out financially or to help out too much practically, but your emotional support - entering into the spirit of it - will be invaluable. If it all goes horribly wrong, it all goes horribly wrong, but it's just possible that this could be the making of your cousin. Please don't write her off before the baby's even got here.

MarianneM · 21/06/2011 21:38

BTW I really do not think that all young parents are unable to look after their babies properly. An 18yo family member has had a baby a couple of months ago, she is a single mother and is doing very well. She visited me recently to pick up some clothes and other stuff and I was really impressed how well she seemed to be doing. She was lovely with the baby and very determined. So of course young people can be good parents. For me the age of the OP's cousin wasn't the issue.

alemci · 21/06/2011 21:39

Your aunt has alot to answer for IMO. She has not been the greatest of role models reading your posts. This girl sounds like she is desperate for love and approval and this 20 year old and baby seem like the answer. bit of a shame really.

zukiecat · 21/06/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peabodybean · 21/06/2011 21:59

This is tricky as in an ideal world there wouldnt be teenage mums with layabout loser tattooing baby daddies, but we dont live in an ideal world, we live in a Jeremy Kyle world where society doesnt condem or support those who need it most. I am a paediatric nurse and there is nothing more upsetting than seeing the baby of teenage parents or irresponsable parents who hasnt been cared for properly or whose parents just dont know what they are doing. Yes, there is support in the community but only if you know how to access it and more often than not, it is the older relatives who are providing unconditional support.
I understand the fustration and the angst that this has caused because in the end it is society who will support the baby. That isnt to say the baby daddy wont be a good dad or your cousin a good mum, it might just take time and effort from everyone to help them.
I am about to have my second baby and as annoyed as I am at the benefit system, it is there for a purpose, not to help me as I work but a few extra pennies would have been helpful. It is tricky when I live in area where it is ok not to work and have lots of children, its a kick in the teeth, but each to their own and all you can do, despite how you feel is support your cousin and her baby and feck the baby daddy, who knows if he will stay or not, but it is your cousin and her mum who need the help, but the baby needs it most of all, good luck

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