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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so pissed off that my cousin and her 'fiance' are part of whats wrong with society?

159 replies

CrapBag · 21/06/2011 19:31

I'll be honest, I don't think teenage pregnancy is a good thing. I am the result of a teenage pregnancy and I am very bitter about it tbh. I had a really really shit life for the first few years and it has left with with a lot of emotional scars.

My 16 year old cousin met a bloke (he is 20) about 3-4 months ago. Within weeks she was engaged to him and living in his bedsit (with my aunts approval as she decided she couldn't stop her). Now my cousin is pregnant, it was planned. Neither of them work. His solution is to get a grant the are apparently going to be entitled to and his sister is moving out her of 2 bedroom council flat so he is going to try and get that.

Unfortunately I don't live in the same place as them as if I knew him I would tell him to get off his lazy ass, stop getting drunk and playing x box and get a fucking job. But no, they are perfectly happy to bring a baby into the world knowing full well they cannot support it. My cousin is very young for her years and the laziest person I know. She couldn't even handle that doll thing you can get from school that is suppose to be like a baby. She had it for one night and it cried loads and she tried to switch it off which didn't work so she just buried it under a load of blankets. I know it wasn't real but if she couldn't handle that for one night, what hope is she going to have of looking after a real baby that you can't stuff under some blankets when it won't stop crying.

I'm sure that there are people who had babies in their teens where it has turned out ok, but I know my cousin only too well. This isn't going to turn out well. He is only the latest in a long line of boys that she 'loves'.

It pisses me right off.

OP posts:
MarianneM · 21/06/2011 20:42

CrapBag - if you really don't think they will look after the baby properly you need to inform the social services.

findabetterolemodel · 21/06/2011 20:42

The thing is if your 16 year old cousin posted on here saying she'd planned a baby and described her circumstances she'd be getting slated too.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:43

She isn't at school, she is in college but she doesn't go half the time and the other times is only so she can get her EMA, then she moans about not getting it when she doesn't bother to go. No idea if she is planning on carrying on.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 21/06/2011 20:43

Obviously having a baby at 16 is far from ideal, but I think OP you are projecting your own negative experience onto your cousin.

Becoming a parent at 16 doesnt mean you will automatically be a shit parent, lots of older parents are shit too!

usualsuspect · 21/06/2011 20:44

I thought the op was quite angry and vicious

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:45

That is a good point Amber I know a 30 year old who shouldn't be a parent. I just know that my cousin is going to struggle because I know her.

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWoman · 21/06/2011 20:46

findabetter really?have you never been to a Selfridges sale, shocking behaviour.

OP do you think your cousin would listen if you tried to give her advise?

You seem to know how hard it can be for all involved young with a baby, no jobs etc, are you close to her?

onagar · 21/06/2011 20:46

Personally I'd prefer that young people waited a bit before starting a family, but OP that doesn't seem to be your biggest objection to this. Perhaps you could clarify which bit you find most objectionable?

Would you be ok about the tattoos and the age of the mum if they had just won the lottery? or is it just that they might get benefits. After all if you are worried about the child as you say then surely you hope they will get lots of benefits so the child doesn't go without anything.

What about if she turned out not to be pregnant, but they got a council place anyway. Would that still be upsetting?

findabetterolemodel · 21/06/2011 20:46

I don't think the OP is saying all 16 year olds are shit parents, but she is saying that this one probably will be based on the fact that she knows her and understands what she is like.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 20:47

at 16 can she even claim income support??

Marriane.....inform social services?? of what exactly??

BrianAndHisBalls · 21/06/2011 20:47

Of course its bloody stupid them having a child in their circumstances but the point is theyare so you have to chose whether to support them now or not and I would suggest, for the baby's sake, that you do.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:47

usualsuspect yes it is I suppose but it pisses me off because it is completely irresponsible. They haven't remotely thought about the life of the baby at all.

My cousins 'fiance' is hundreds of pounds in arrears with rent and may be thrown out. My cousin told my aunt she will live on the street with him rather than go back home. That is the sort of attitude and mentality she has.

OP posts:
KangarooCaught · 21/06/2011 20:47

It can be a perpetuating circle but since there is nothing you can do, you ought to for your own blood pressure just disengage. Hopefully she will have some support from her mother and you never know she might surprise you. It's all you can hope for really.

Rosierubies · 21/06/2011 20:47

I've never posted on mumsnet before but feel compelled...I was fifteen when I had my first ds with no money, support or anything else. I was on benefits for a few years got my gcses, a levels and a degree. During which time I also worked. I now have four children and thier father and I are married, we are both qualified, socially contributing people, the kids (ds1-11, dd-7, ds2-4, ds3-10 weeks) are great! I was immature and completly wild back then but pulled it together because I had too, not every teenage parent story turns out fine but neither are all completly awful and hopeless. Lots of older mothers get pregnant with little thought or care either! Also I'd someone gave me a plastic screaming dolly to look after I would put it in the shed, this is not a reflection on how I look after my real children!!

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 20:49

yes they are thinking about the baby....trying to move from a bedsit to a 2 bed flat is thinking ahead,for the baby!!

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:52

onagar I would much rather my cousin waited until she wa older. She told me before she wants to be a young mum and I said she can be without being a mum at 17. Even if they had won the lottery, I think she is too young. I know loads of people had babies at 16/17 but she really is young for her years. My 14 year old sister seems years ahead of my cousin. The tattoo thing I don't like is that she is letting him practice on her and he has clearly done one she doesn't like as she wants to get it covered. He is doing them in places that are not easy to hide and he wants her to have a sleeve done and I know what she is like, she will let him if thats what he wants to do. Thats my objection with the tattoos.

OP posts:
MarianneM · 21/06/2011 20:52

ILoveTIFFANY

Inform them perhaps that:

"They haven't remotely thought about the life of the baby at all."

"My cousins 'fiance' is hundreds of pounds in arrears with rent and may be thrown out."

That this guy spends his time getting drunk and playing on xbox.

And that the girl buried the baby doll under blankets so she didn't have to listen to it crying.

Basically that the OP doesn't think these people will be able to look after the baby.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:54

Rosie thats great that it worked out this way for you, but given how my cousins GCSE's are mainly Es and Fs and she thought that was good results doesn't fill me with hope for what she may do in the future. I am trying to say this in the nicest possible way, but she is not very intelligent at all. She refuses to get a part time job because she always says "I can't do that" to everything.

OP posts:
Strumpypumpy · 21/06/2011 20:56

Thing is although they (girl and fiancé) have "knowingly" got themselves into their situation. Their baby hasn't. Being brought into a worked of negativity is unfair and exactly the world your cousin has grown up in. Be a grown up. Accept it. Accept their baby and be a positive influence in the family. Both of my SILs found themselves in a similar position at 16. Older SIL and BIL worked their socks off once their baby arrived and brought up a stunning young man who works hard, albeit in a chippy at the moment, but pays his way even though they lived in a council house all his life..shock horror it can be done. Younger SIL had a rocky start, but has pulled it out of the bag and although now single parent, has worked her way up to manager at a local nursing home.
Having a baby At a young age Isn't always the end...sometimes it's the beginning and the making of people.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 20:57

marianne......social services work with serious cases of abuse and neglect.

i fear the op would be laughed out of ss offices with those,er,claims!!Hmm

ThePathanKhansWoman · 21/06/2011 20:57

crapbag she's so very young, and we all know you can't put an old head on young shoulders. No-ones a lost cause, teenage parents get such a bad press, but the vast majority are great and muddle through as well as anyone.

What if she was having a baby with a "nice" young man who'd just been made redundant, or half way through his degree?.Still be the same reality, would your perception change?

HowlingBitch · 21/06/2011 20:59

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had DS when I was 19 (It wasn't planned) and I am actually not afraid to admit we relied on the state and student loans for a year while DF was at uni. He is now in a great, well paid, full-time job and will be paying taxes long enough to pay back any money we ever took. We have a bright future DS starts pre school in September and are planning another baby.

What I am trying to say is you should not write people off. Her fiance may be on his way to a good career in the tattoo business (You need to practice on other people and yourself and I doubt he held her down a forced her to have the tattoos done) and she may be a wonderful mother. As another poster has said the age thing is BS there are many parents of all ages who are awful.

The opinions you have of her sound a little like gossip and hear say. Has she ever actually spoken to you about it. Have you ever met her fiance? You haven't really spoken about any real relationship you have with her.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 20:59

ILT I won't be going to SS. That would only be if there was total certainty that the baby was at risk and it hasn't even been born yet so obviously there is nothing to report.

OP posts:
MarianneM · 21/06/2011 21:01

Tiffany, that is probably true, unfortunately. So you think it's ok that these kids are very likely to neglect their baby and no-one will care or even know? That the baby will have to be seriously abused or neglected before anyone intervenes? Sick.

Original poster
CrapBag · 21/06/2011 21:03

Howling Bitch I haven't met him. My cousin and I are close. She has always looked up to me (to much resentment from her mum). I have tried to give her advice and talk to her in the past but she hasn't listened at all and she won't listen now unfortunately. I could try and give her the best advice in the world about the baby and she wouldn't take any notice. She is too like her mum in that way.

OP posts:
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