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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 sets of twins - all siblings - 1 invite = 4 children!

82 replies

pingu2209 · 21/06/2011 15:55

There is are a set of twins my ds is at school with. Whilst only 1 is in his class, I know that my ds plays with both of the brothers at playtime. He wants to invite both to his party.

However, the boys have younger brothers - another set of twins less than 18 months younger than them. The mum will bring them all, she always does.

My ds is inviting practically everyone in the class - about 22 out of 27. Even this is a squeeze as I didn't want to invite more than 20 children.

I feel for their mother - can you imagine 4 boys under 2! However, I really don't want 4 places taken up by 1 invite. Is it unreasonable not to invite the twins at all?

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/06/2011 15:56

No. Just make it clear.

LolaRennt · 21/06/2011 15:57

No yanbu, are you inviting all younger siblings? WHy would twins get special place?

Stars82 · 21/06/2011 15:58

Don't think that is UR at all, Birthday parties are very expensive, time consuming and tiring for the parent organising it. Stand your ground .....and good luck :)

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/06/2011 15:58

Perhaps put on the invite "sorry, due to limited space, no siblings. Thanks"

Or is that sort of thing considered rude?

MollysChamber · 21/06/2011 15:58

Reasonable, although not entirely necessary, to invite the twin of the older one if they both play with DS. No need to invite the younger ones IMO.

stillstanding · 21/06/2011 16:02

YANBU to not want the younger twins - same rules apply to everyone. No younger siblings all round.

(Am I allowed to worry about the 5 other people in his class that aren't being invited? Seems very harsh on them not to be included given that he is inviting almost everyone else ... )

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 16:02

Invite the twins if your child wants them there but make it clear to the parents that you can't accomodate siblings.

It's a bit cheeky to turn up with younger kids anyway unless you've arranged it with the host.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 21/06/2011 16:03

There are a lot of younger and slightly older siblings who are not invited. Most people know the 'rules' that siblings do not go to parties if they are not invited.

However, this mum ALWAYS brings the younger twin boys along to anything the older twin boys do. School trips, other parties etc. I don't feel I can say on the invite 'just X and X' or 'no siblings' as it will be way too obvious. Also, I have handed out many of the invites which do not state 'no siblings' making it even more obvious!

I have not said anything at school for fear I will look a real meanie. The mum has a huge sympathy vote for how hard it must be with 4 boys all so very close in age.

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 21/06/2011 16:03

I have to say unless you have a good reason leaving only 5 children out of a class of 27 is a bit harsh < dons hard hat as mother of an excluded from birthday child.... and not bitter at all>

Although
a casual word to the mum about lack of space for siblings may be in order ( if they do turn up I wouldn't accomodate them at the birthday table etc.)

itisnearlysummer · 21/06/2011 16:04

we've had invites that specify that, due to the numbers of children involved, there are no siblings included.

It wouldn't occur to me to take a sibling to a party.

I wouldn't expect someone to bring siblings either, but they do.

I see nothing wrong with specifying "no siblings" on the invite.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 21/06/2011 16:05

I would love to invite the whole class. There seem to be far fewer parties at the moment due to money worries so many of us are having. It would be nice for all the children to have a treat - but I just can't afford it.

OP posts:

itisnearlysummer · 21/06/2011 16:06

oops xposted.

well OP, it must be hard, but then her choice and all that.

If her DCs are all quite young then she probably gets a lot of 'fuss' for having 2 sets of twins. We have twins in our family and you'd think they were the second coming the way strangers reacted when they were babies!

Unfortunately, she might not realise that not everybody wants them around all the time.

Don't feel obliged.

WhoAteMySnickers · 21/06/2011 16:08

Why not just have a word with the mother...?

"I'm happy for you to leave the twins and collect later if you have to, it's just that the venue is a bit of a squeeze and we don't really have room for your other twins too".

Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

stillstanding · 21/06/2011 16:14

I think the sibling issue depends on the ages of the children having the party...

If the children are being left at the party by the parents then it wouldn't enter my head (obviously!) to leave a sibling behind too.

But if the parent has to stay too because the child is, say, under 4 then it would be hard not to bring siblings. If it was me, I would have my young children with me but I would also expect to pay my way and would discuss this with the host well ahead of time.

I think on the whole inviting the whole/some of the class thing, one should either keep it small (60% or less) or go for the whole class. It really must hurt to be one of the rejected 5. I have read some seriously traumatic posts on MN about this and really am conscious about this.

schmee · 21/06/2011 16:15

I'm not sure what her having twins has to do with anything. They are just younger siblings. And your DS's choice as to whether he is friends with both of the older set. But if he is genuinely friends with both then don't see the problem with them happening to be from the same family.

Is she a single parent or is her DP away a lot - if so I can understand why she needs to bring all four children. Could you explain that space is a bit limited and would you be happy for her to leave the older set - she might be glad of the chance to just have 2 children to care for? Fire regs or budget are always good reasons to give for limiting numbers.

I know you didn't invite feedback on this but I do agree with other posters that 22 out of 27 is asking for trouble. Wouldn't it be better to invite 15? Other threads have suggested a less than half or all rule helps to prevent children feeling excluded.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/06/2011 16:16

Where's the party taking place?

In common with stillstanding I think it's a bit mean to leave 5 out of a class of 27 - IMO opinion it would be ok to only invite half of his classmates but inviting anything more than 15 out of 27 seems like a deliberate snub to the 'rejects'.

How old is your ds? Surely it's your decision as to how many invites he sends?

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 21/06/2011 16:17

All the other parents will love you if you get up the courage to tell this woman not to keep bringing all her children when only the older twins are invited. Just a though.

stillstanding · 21/06/2011 16:26

Poor pingu! Desperately hoping to get her numbers down and we are saying she has to invite the rest of the class (or halve it - problem solved!)

diddl · 21/06/2011 16:30

Does the mother need to stay & has noone to leave the univited siblings with?

Stars82 · 21/06/2011 16:31

completely agree with LRDTheFeministNutcase...................

You would be a HERO... and isn't she running the risk of the twins never getting invited to anything in the future because of her actions?....

I wouldn't want to find the space and extra money to accommodate those who have not been invited (siblings etc) I do find it rather cheeky of the mum that thinks its acceptable to turn up with extra kids and thinks its ok.

With regards to the invites: My DS has invited his whole class, the whole street and anyone else he could...totally 32 SO FAR :( However if had chosen not to invite everyone I would have supported him (depending on the reason)... what if the kids that had not recieved an invite been the class bullies??? I would understand if my DS would not want to invite someone to his happy day if they were nasty to him all week long.

Birthday parties can be totally stressful and expensive so tell her...... :)

DogsBestFriend · 21/06/2011 16:33

If the mother is rude enough to bring along the other children in expectation of them being included too I wouldn't bother inviting any of her children. After time she'll find this happens more and more often and realise that it's her lack of courtesy which is causing it. (I'm assuming that these children have a father in the background though even if you have to take an univited DC to the drop off as I had to it's rude to do any more than hand the invited child over and leave).

Does she do the same when only one of her 4 children are invited anywhere?

CoffeeDog · 21/06/2011 16:36

I am a twin and i have twins... my boys will be in seperate classes at nursery school - and i plan to make it clear to the other parents that they dont BOTH need to be invited to a childs party just because his brother is going...

I would just invite 1 - also cheeky mare for bringing the little ones to the party

ThisIsJustASagaNow · 21/06/2011 16:38

Bringing siblings along to parties is not on. I know she must have her hands full; I had dt's and a slightly older dd so I know what its like, but you can't expect to go to all invitations en masse.

My dt's have known and accepted from very early on that they cannot expect to be invited to the same things, so don't feel obliged to invite both boys just because they are twins.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 16:49

Invite the ones you want and be explicit, that no siblings are coming, someone has to say it and the mother is going to have to get it one day.

If you think you can't do it, then don't invite any of them. maybe the mother will learn that way.

IF she says anything, then be honest. We wanted to invite A as he's in our class, but you always bring the others and it takes up 4 spaces when we have limited numbers. If you stuck to those on the invite, then we'd manage, even with A and B, but it's not fair when I tell everyone else no siblings and you don't listen. Sorry. [weaksmile]

Original poster

pingu2209 · 21/06/2011 16:57

I think itsnearlysummer has it spot on. The twins are 6 and 5. Both sets are identical, but all 4 are so close in age you would think they are quadrulets (or whatever that is called). There are gasps when she walks down the street with them all. I fear she thinks everyone wants to see all of them.

The venue is massive - it is a large school sports hall so I can't say there isn't enough room. However, it is down to cost. Food, party bags etc it all adds up.

I do feel bad that not everyone is invited. In fact 1 mum came over to me today to thank me for her son's invite as it was his first party he would ever have gone to. I have been quite surprised at how few parties my children are invited to. I wondered whether it was because they were not as popular, but I genuinely think that people are not having parties for their children as it is too expensive.

I am going to write 'no siblings' on the invite.

OP posts:

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