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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 sets of twins - all siblings - 1 invite = 4 children!

82 replies

pingu2209 · 21/06/2011 15:55

There is are a set of twins my ds is at school with. Whilst only 1 is in his class, I know that my ds plays with both of the brothers at playtime. He wants to invite both to his party.

However, the boys have younger brothers - another set of twins less than 18 months younger than them. The mum will bring them all, she always does.

My ds is inviting practically everyone in the class - about 22 out of 27. Even this is a squeeze as I didn't want to invite more than 20 children.

I feel for their mother - can you imagine 4 boys under 2! However, I really don't want 4 places taken up by 1 invite. Is it unreasonable not to invite the twins at all?

OP posts:

veritythebrave · 21/06/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 21/06/2011 19:52

Op, you got really good advice on that other thread. In fact very similar advice to this thread. Not quite sure why you felt the need to ask what is essentially the same question twice.

Oh and by the way, IVF has a higher chance of success the younger you are.

CheerfulYank · 21/06/2011 19:59

Plus IVF twins aren't usually identical, are they?

veritythebrave · 21/06/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 22/06/2011 10:55

I think the chances of having two sets of identical twins is something like in 60000. So I think I'd be feeling a little bit "poor me" if I were her!

CheerfulYank · 23/06/2011 05:36

I read something that said that scientists were considering doing a study to see if there was something in certain mens' sperm that caused the egg to split. I thought that was very interesting, since I've always heard that a tendency to have fraternal twins (i.e. hyperovulation) can be inherited but a tendency to have identical twins can't. But yet you see families with three or so sets of identicals throughout the generations...

iscream · 23/06/2011 05:54

I;m glad you are writing "No Siblings" on the invitation, and inviting the forgotten five. It won't hurt siblings to not always go to parties together. I think parents should explain to them that they will all be making some different friends that are just their own special friends, and to not expect to be treated as a collective.

schmee · 23/06/2011 10:24

It's a bit difficult for single mothers though isn't it, if they can't bring siblings along. And do you put an age limit on it? Will I be able to take my newborn to her older brothers' friends' parties?

Allinabinbag · 23/06/2011 10:31

I wouldn't have set a limit of 20 if the class no is 27, remember a few won't come, so inviting the other 5 is very nice and the right thing to do.

Having said that, my children don't appear to be upset about not being invited to stuff. I know they don't get invited to every party, as I've heard about a couple, often with only a few children, and so don't think twice about it and nor do they. In fairness, they do get invited to a lot and have to say no to most as they are alway on Sat morning/afternoon and we do activities on that day so often can't attend. They do moan a tiny bit, but if it is a special friend we send a pressie or arrange a birthday tea another day.

So, for most children, not being invited doesn't have to be a big deal. I guess if you never have invites, you notice, but not getting invited or attending is quite normal too.

Allinabinbag · 23/06/2011 10:34

Schmee, what you do is drop them when old enough (say 5) at the party, and sit in the car/go for a coffee/offer to help the parent running the party/ask if you can pay extra if it is in a playcentre for you to stay. I am often on my own on weekends (DH away), you get cunning strategies in place. Having said that, when I had a playcentre party recently I didn't mind at all an extra couple joining in as the parents did offer to pay and most parents sat in and had cups of tea, it was really nice. I think you have to be sensitive to the options when you turn up and be prepared to go for a walk for a couple of hours.

SpottyFrock · 23/06/2011 10:42

Have you decided to stretch to the extra 5? I have to agree how mean it is. In a class of 27, if I couldn't have them all I'd have kept it to 15 max.

Re the twins, it's not ideal but if the hall is big enough what is the problem? You just give food and party bags to those who were invited. I have experienced parents bringing younger siblings due to childcare issues but they don't expect them to be fed or for them to receive a party bag. Or are you saying she would expect all 4 to receive a party bag?

changeforthebetter · 23/06/2011 10:44

Out of all the things that are difficult for single mothers - this really rates pretty low on my list of priorities . I have no one to leave other DC with usually so I pay for that DC to play if it is hell on earth softplay or leave older DC and wait in nearby cafe or decline the invitation. DD2 has just had an invite for a preschoolers only party. The mum knows my situation but doesn't want the little kids trampled by bigger ones. She has a good reason so DD isn't going to that one. It will only be an issue for a little bit longer and then the kids can stay at parties by themselves. DD1 already does.

Am a bit that four boys is automatically harder than four girls btw!

veritythebrave · 23/06/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

changeforthebetter · 23/06/2011 10:44

Oh and my kids understand who does and doesn't getsparty bags and why - just good manners.

GwendolenHarleth · 23/06/2011 10:54

From exerience I've learned that it is far better to politely state on the invitation that unfortunately due to limits on numbers you aren't able to invite siblings this time. I usually print this on a separate little piece of paper along with telling them when they need to reply by. I staple it to the main invitation as i think they are less likely to miss it then. Much better than having the worry of too many people turning up and having to provide loads of extra party bags and food just in case. I thought that if anyone was offended by such a polite, reasonable request then tough! They can always opt not to come and they would probably not be the sort of person i would be keen to be pals with anyway. As far as i know no one has ever taken offence though!

schmee · 23/06/2011 11:03

At my boys' last party plenty of siblings came and sat very politely on the sidelines. Also I'd chosen a place that had a sort of cafe/observation area with younger children's toys and I politely suggested to people who asked if they could bring younger siblings that the area was available to them. It was a party where I had to pay by the numbers and we were already up to the full limit allowed anyway. So no problems there.

It's more about the way the siblings behave and the way the parents treat the invite.

schmee · 23/06/2011 11:06

My boys are probably now old enough to leave at parties and I now know some of the other mothers well enough to ask them to "keep an eye". Next year they will be in separate classes (they are twins) so I'm hoping they will get some separate invites. But if I'd had my baby last year when we started at the school I'd have had to bring her along or the boys would have missed out on most of the parties due to my DH working. So a no siblings rule would have been really sad for us.

throckenholt · 23/06/2011 11:07

just invite the one he is friends with.

I have id twins and would have been happy for only one to be invited. I always tell people they don't have to come as a job lot. And the kids have to learn at some time that they don't all get to go to everything.

Having said that usually people invite both.

Bast · 23/06/2011 11:42

If you are concerned, speak with the mother. Just speak with her!

I was single with four DC under six for some time. My eldest two share friends and my youngest two (at 50 weeks apart!) do so too.

I've always appreciated people who take a moment to clarify arrangements with me. It helps very much to know how, who and what to organise (childcare for siblings if I need to attend, transport arrangements, etc) and I have never been offended by anyone kind enough to communicate with me.

CurrySpice · 23/06/2011 12:45

Not all girls are little bitches and all boys are friendly football mad lads Op

Mowlem · 23/06/2011 13:39

Glad you have been able to invite the extra 5. It would have been mean for them to have been left out. I personally allow my daughter to only invite half the girls and half the boys, so that out of the class, it is never the majority of the children going.

As for the siblings, I would personally put no siblings on the invite and hope they don't turn up. If they do, then I'd probably be a bit passive aggressive and let them stay, but not provide any chairs for eating at the table nor would I provide party bags - but then I don't tend to do buffet food, I tend to put food in party boxes (one per child) as it cuts down on the waste and the cost!

Sewmuchtodo · 23/06/2011 22:13

I truly don't understand why you would exclude 5 children out of 27. Im sure the food you have in mind for 22 kids would stretch and party bags don't have to be expensive...the bag, ballon, piece of cake and a fun sized sweet or lolly would be more than enough, all can be bought in large value packs and mean that 5 kids don't feel so left out.

biddysmama · 23/06/2011 22:17

i have 3 children aged 9,27 months and 9months..... i wouldnt take them all to a party, in fact i'd drop one off and go off pleased that someone else was looking after one of them for me

troisgarcons · 23/06/2011 22:21

Whilst only 1 is in his class, I know that my ds plays with both of the brothers at playtime. He wants to invite both to his party.

You want to invite 20 - he likes both twins ..... so thats a lesson in managing the other 18 invitations.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 18/07/2011 22:12

Hello. The party is now over. I wanted to give you feedback on what happened. All the children from his class were invited. A few couldn't make it. I put 'sorry but no siblings' on the invite.

The mother with 2 sets of twins only came with the 2 older twins.

However, 1 mother turned up with her older daughter. Another mother turned up with her older son. And the mother who said she was so excited as her son hadn't been to a birthday party before turned up with 2 older siblings, grandparents and father!!!!!!!

Fortunately I had totally over catered and as I couldn't remember exactly how many were coming I had made up 1/2 dozen more party bags than we needed!

WHY DO PEOPLE BRING SIBLINGS ALONG??????

OP posts:

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