Father in Law rant needed!!!

[Tattoos29]

AHHHHHHHH the man drives me F**KING insane!!! been with my DH for 10 years and we have a fantastic life and a wonderful son. We're far from rich but we work hard and we are a solid and very close family.

We are very close to my parents, we see and speak to them often. My DM will even ring my DH even if I am out just to say hi and to ask how things are etc....
My DH and dad have a very good relationship even if my dad can be a hand full they do spend time together golfing or going out etc.
My parents often help out with our DS, baby sit, take him on holiday, have him over for the weekend, take him out and always make the effort to keep in touch...for example they would travel 2 hours to attend a school concert then travel home again just to remain a part of his life etc

Well my father in law is the complete opposite..unfortunately we lost my DH's mum 4 years ago and since then it has just highlighted what an arse he is!!! very very lazy and very very selfish. Its all about him or nothing at all.

My DH has now become just as stubborn which I don't blame him to be honest. He can go 4 or 5 weeks without getting in touch and normally when he does get in touch its to inform us he's off on holiday again...( about 12 hols in 4 years)

He doesn't work, has no children at home, no money worries and a good social network of friends...he goes to the pub EVERY night!!! but can't make the effort to ring his kids or his grandkids

He's also very very lazy, will never offer to help with anything, leaves everything at his arse!!! which pisses us off, we work hard all week and don't want to clean up after people on our days off together as a family

he does live about 5 hours away in Scotland but when he doesn't have to work around kids etc then I find that there is no excuse...

We went up to visit a few months back to find his house in a disgusting state!! I mean TOTALLY MINGING!!!! the once white beautiful bathroom was now yellow and the whole house had a tobacco stained stench to it! all 3 of us were expected to sleep in the same room, in the same bed next to a mouldy wall!!! I felt like screaming!! it was that bad for the whole weekend my DH said that our DS was to make do with sink washes as he wasn't allowed near the bath!!!!

I remember him coming to us one xmas ( we do more than our fair share of hosting him at xmas as he doesn't get on with other D-i-L) I spent the WHOLE day chasing after him and missed out on seeing DS enjoy his day, to the point where i made a rather negative comment about being fucked off!!!

I find him such a chore to deal and I feel that my patience is running very thin, believe me I could go on and on giving plently of example but I would be typing all night!!! I am finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue and so is my DH.

Got my DS's B'day party in Aug which he is coming down for, he has been pre warned that he can come to help like the rest of the family!!! mind you he came to help last year and assigned himeself the job of watching the present table for THREE HOURS!!!! then moaned that he was knackered!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Words of encouragement would be good ladies :) any one else have this issue????? xx

OP your first post slates every aspect of your FIL and his life and choices... Now it's changed and its just that you're frustrated at his "sometime lack of effort with his family... That's all".

If you think that FIL doesn't pick up on your very clear and extreme dislike of him, which comes across in your first post, then you are mistaken.

Your party sounds like a blast, with you acting the sergeant major and keeping an eye on FIL to make sure he does his allocated 'job'

Poor poor man, I feel dreadfully sorry for him.

BS, that man feels nothing but love from me and support from me and my family, it did slate him I agree but I also stated in my posts the support I have personally shown him over the years.

Tattoos29 maybe a post in chat would have been better. You clearly just want to have a rant, a vent for what is driving you nuts, without particularly wanting to ask an AIBU. We all have things in our lives which get us really cross, however unreasonable we may be being!

Tattoos... You might not think it's obvious but how can it not be? Your DH feels the same? You might have done many things for your FIL but unless those were done with kindness and love, they will have been felt to be 'duty bound' and that smarts.

Your posts, even your explanatory ones, call out your sense of 'duty' and I think it's very sad. I hope that your acting skills really are as good as you think they are.

What has this man done to you? He has a dirty house, you could have checked into a hotel or called up a cleaning company instead of spending the money on a hotel. men are not alway domesticated and having lost his wife 4 year ago possibly he is still coming to terms with her death and cleaning he doesn't do as she used to do it.

You speak highly of your parents - does your dad do all the cleaning or your dh? without being asked?

It's getting rather heated.....lets all open the wine and agree to disagree :)

He's also very very lazy, will never offer to help with anything, leaves everything at his arse!!! which pisses us off

We went up to visit a few months back to find his house in a disgusting state!! I mean TOTALLY MINGING!!!! the once white beautiful bathroom was now yellow and the whole house had a tobacco stained stench to it! all 3 of us were expected to sleep in the same room, in the same bed next to a mouldy wall!!! I felt like screaming!! it was that bad for the whole weekend my DH said that our DS was to make do with sink washes as he wasn't allowed near the bath!!!!

I remember him coming to us one xmas ( we do more than our fair share of hosting him at xmas as he doesn't get on with other D-i-L) I spent the WHOLE day chasing after him and missed out on seeing DS enjoy his day, to the point where i made a rather negative comment about being fucked off!!!

I find him such a chore to deal and I feel that my patience is running very thin, believe me I could go on and on giving plently of example but I would be typing all night!!! I am finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue and so is my DH.

You sound neither tolerant, happy, respectful nor loving towards him :(

I feel split by this thread, although it has been a rather interesting one to read with many different points of view.
I can commend you on the support you have shown him since the death of the MiL, if you did support him as much as you say you did then good for you as not all DiL's would.
I can totally understand the need to rant, however, maybe you should step back and take a deep breath because even though you think it isn't showing it probably is.
If he doesn't take an active role then thats fine, it's only him losing out isn't it???
Family aren't here forever and you may regret things once he has gone :(

OP, I sympathise with you as I have a similar relationship with my FIL. I think when you come from a very close, everyone mucking in type family, it can feel like hard work when you have to interact with a very different type of family dynamic. You've known this man for 10 years so you need to decide whether you can overlook and live with the things that annoy you or not. If not, you'll have to keep your distance and maintain a civil relationship for the sake of your DH & DS. I suspect you want to persevere with a more involved relationship, so you need to let this stuff go. Good luck.

Well said MAXPOWER....

I can't totally see both sides of the ''debate'' but don't think tattoos was genuinely being hurtful, maybe she doesn't have anywhere else to rant? I did say in my post about treading carefully incase she is coming across as being rude etc. I'm the same as you, I have a 'muck in' kinda family so I think I would find it strange if I didn't have that around me :)

I don't quite understand why your FIL's behaviour impacts so much on your life- when you say that you work hard and want family time at weekends , does that mean you spend every weekend running around after your FIL even though he lives 5 hours away?

Anyway, I'm sure he appreciates the help you gave him after your MIL passed away. I think that if the weekly hand written letters etc are very time consuming you could scale it back or get DH to help, though I bet he really appreciates getting something in the post each week (and actually, you have shamed me here because I'm reminded that it's quite a while since I sent any letters/photos to my own grandfather, and I have written a reminder to print some photos as soon as the printer is fixed).

The dirty house is not nice, I should think he doesn't really know where to begin. I wouldn't want my children to stay in a dirty house either. Maybe your DH could put forward the idea of organising a cleaner. I'd consider staying in a B&B next time you visit.

When he visits you for Christmas, don't run around after your FIL. Just concentrate on your son; if FIL demands stuff just explain that you're busy with present opening but you or DH will sort cups of tea in a minute, or he can put teh kettle on. And get your DH to (perhaps in a joking way) encourage your FIL to clean up after himself.

just having another read through this thread. I do think TATTOOS is getting a bit of grief...yes maybe they should have put it in 'chat' but all she is doing is having a wee moan rather than saying all of that stuff to her FiL. We can tend to be quite judgmental and some of the critism is a bit harsh. I have said in a previous thread I am in a similar situation, PITA FiL etc etc... finds the time all day to sit on dating websites, watch P**n, lives in a pig sty etc etc but can't ring family....and on and on and on.... I could go on but won't in fear of a personal attack but all TATTOOS is doing is getting stuff off her chest etc.....

She has also stated that when their MiL died she supported FiL better than main family etc

I don't think she's that mean, maybe just chose the wrong board :)