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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father in Law rant needed!!!

62 replies

Tattoos29 · 20/06/2011 16:58

AHHHHHHHH the man drives me F**KING insane!!! been with my DH for 10 years and we have a fantastic life and a wonderful son. We're far from rich but we work hard and we are a solid and very close family.

We are very close to my parents, we see and speak to them often. My DM will even ring my DH even if I am out just to say hi and to ask how things are etc....
My DH and dad have a very good relationship even if my dad can be a hand full they do spend time together golfing or going out etc.
My parents often help out with our DS, baby sit, take him on holiday, have him over for the weekend, take him out and always make the effort to keep in touch...for example they would travel 2 hours to attend a school concert then travel home again just to remain a part of his life etc

Well my father in law is the complete opposite..unfortunately we lost my DH's mum 4 years ago and since then it has just highlighted what an arse he is!!! very very lazy and very very selfish. Its all about him or nothing at all.

My DH has now become just as stubborn which I don't blame him to be honest. He can go 4 or 5 weeks without getting in touch and normally when he does get in touch its to inform us he's off on holiday again...( about 12 hols in 4 years)

He doesn't work, has no children at home, no money worries and a good social network of friends...he goes to the pub EVERY night!!! but can't make the effort to ring his kids or his grandkids

He's also very very lazy, will never offer to help with anything, leaves everything at his arse!!! which pisses us off, we work hard all week and don't want to clean up after people on our days off together as a family

he does live about 5 hours away in Scotland but when he doesn't have to work around kids etc then I find that there is no excuse...

We went up to visit a few months back to find his house in a disgusting state!! I mean TOTALLY MINGING!!!! the once white beautiful bathroom was now yellow and the whole house had a tobacco stained stench to it! all 3 of us were expected to sleep in the same room, in the same bed next to a mouldy wall!!! I felt like screaming!! it was that bad for the whole weekend my DH said that our DS was to make do with sink washes as he wasn't allowed near the bath!!!!

I remember him coming to us one xmas ( we do more than our fair share of hosting him at xmas as he doesn't get on with other D-i-L) I spent the WHOLE day chasing after him and missed out on seeing DS enjoy his day, to the point where i made a rather negative comment about being fucked off!!!

I find him such a chore to deal and I feel that my patience is running very thin, believe me I could go on and on giving plently of example but I would be typing all night!!! I am finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue and so is my DH.

Got my DS's B'day party in Aug which he is coming down for, he has been pre warned that he can come to help like the rest of the family!!! mind you he came to help last year and assigned himeself the job of watching the present table for THREE HOURS!!!! then moaned that he was knackered!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Words of encouragement would be good ladies :) any one else have this issue????? xx

OP posts:

Pumpernickel10 · 20/06/2011 17:02

You need to have a word with him,hes invited if he helps,if he can't be bothered to help you out at the party then don't bother coming,tell him its all hands on deck. Not sure if this will work but its worth a try :)

Original poster

Tattoos29 · 20/06/2011 17:04

I may go down the route of almost embarrassment...i have about 5 others helping so I might go down the sarcy route..... C'mon F-i-L everyone else is mucking in kinda thing :)

OP posts:

Jackin · 20/06/2011 17:05

Not a lady but good luck, you sound like you're going to need it. What does your dh say?

iwanttoseethezoo · 20/06/2011 17:07

Don't have this issue, but YANBU to be annoyed. Unfortunately many men of his generation are used to being waited on hand and foot (my dad is the same) - and have no idea about cleaning or cooking etc, bar the bare minimum.

i would just try not to see him much! And when he did come, give him little jobs to do that aren't hard work and don't take three hours (!) but make him feel useful and out from under your feet. And if he asks you to do something for him, like get him a drink, say "I'll show you where the glasses and drinks are, then you can just help yourself as I'll be busy today". Is he generally pleasant, and it's just the laziness that is annoying? Or is he miserable too - if so then I would just avoid him. Sad for your DS, but your FIL has to make an effort too.

CMOTdibbler · 20/06/2011 17:08

Umm, if he's your guest, he shouldn't have to do anything. And I don't really see what you are complaining about tbh - he's entitled to go on holiday/to the pub etc just as he pleases (although I do agree on dirty house though he can surely smoke in his own house).

Just because you are very close to your family, doesn't mean all families are the same, and many older men aren't bothered about going to see grandchildren in plays etc. Cut the man some slack and just enjoy his company when you do see him - you don't have to run after him, just let him be there

redexpat · 20/06/2011 17:09

Do you feel better now?

SenoritaViva · 20/06/2011 17:09

Assign him a task. If he says 'I'll watch the present table' say 'oh no you don't FIL, you're doing X, Y then Z.' If he says 'I'm tired' say 'well lucky old you doesn't have work like us tomorrow'.

I wouldn't stay at his place again but check into a B&B and explain why. If he doesn't have money problems then perhaps he should consider getting a cleaner to help out?

Is he depressed?

LineRunner · 20/06/2011 17:14

You don't have to 'bite your tongue'. You can talk to the man, you know. You don't have to love him but no doubt your DH does. You could tell FiL what you'd like from him - and then leave him to his own devices. You don't have to organise him or run round after him. You're allowed to enjoy your own life, your own days, your own family. Just be clear with him, and then back off.

He - your FiL - is probably exceptionally lonely, btw.

If he's letting his house go, then why don't you encourage him to spend a bit of his cash on a bit of home help. And in future choose not to stay with him if it's too difficult. I never stay with my relatives; close-by B&Bs are the answer, I swear!

LadyBeagleEyes · 20/06/2011 17:16

Was he like this before your MIL died?

Journey · 20/06/2011 17:19

I think you're being a bit unfair. You're expecting the same standards from his family as your own. Not all older men are used to the domestic side of life and childcare. I think you're being a bit unreasonable not to realise this.

He has only been widowed for four years. Four years is nothing. To me he sounds as if he is still grieving and perhaps a bit depressed.

Your post does sound like you're quite a demanding person. He must do a chore otherwise he is lazy. The language you use to describe your FIL is harsh. I think you need to see the bigger picture to be honest.

boysrock · 20/06/2011 17:21

Its unfair to compare him to your parents people are different. some men are happy to know and see dgc and thats it. They dont want hands on care, so what.

If he does a 5 hour journey to see him for his birthday then you're doing well. Other gp would insist you visit them. He's a guest in your house - he probably thinks that as he has travelled that way he isn't on a busmans holiday.

And lets face it, he doesn't work at home

Btw any pensioner who manages 12 holidays in 4yrs is to be admired not criticised - its his money that he worked hard for.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2011 17:24

I'm flummoxed at what 'watching a present table' would involve... and why?

OP... you and your FIL are very different and I think you're quite absorbed in your own life with your immediate family and maybe that's as it should be BUT your FIL is probably very lonely and unused to family life now that his wife has gone. He doesn't clean up after himself, that much is evident.

Why don't you just invite him, tell him that you'll be busy but as long as he pootles around after himself and gets things for himself you'll all be delighted to see him.

To be honest, I don't see why you need the whole family to be 'commandeered' for a birthday party... that sounds very odd to me. If there are specific jobs then ask for help by all means but don't allocate them like some sargeant major.

Distance yourself from his worst faults and then see if that helps in not rubbing you up the wrong way for every little thing.

mymummyisasquarehead · 20/06/2011 17:25

Sounds to me like he's suffering from your MIL dying.

Some grandparents take a significantly more relaxed approach to their grandchildren than others. Whilst your jum and dad are heavily involved, and that's great, your FIL doesn't have to be if he doesn't want to be. He is coming down for the party, which does at least show some involvement.

The state of the house seems, to me, classic signs of self-neglect and not caring about hismelf now his wife has passed.

MollyMurphy · 20/06/2011 17:26

Well he does sound irritating but for a different perspective....he has his own life - he should travel, go to the pub and keep his home in whatever state he wants. You can find an excuse (or not), for staying in a BnB next time you visit. When he visits you he is a guest and while it would be nice for him to help out, its not generally mandatory for a guest to do so. I think you may have to surrender to the idea that he's not going to be the kind of gp your parents are. I wouldn't be a shrinking violet about his behaviour if its inappropriate when he visits but I would try to not let it spin into family drama either.

Insomnia11 · 20/06/2011 17:27

You could suggest he get a cleaner if he is ok money wise. They can do a big clean to start with if it needs it. Your FIL sounds lonely and depressed though, FWIW.

My FIL would be the same I'm sure, he barely lifts a finger though he has got a lot better since he retired and helps out with the grandkids far more than he did with DH and SIL when they were kids apparently.

MIL worked FT as a teacher after they had the children but still did ALL the housework, cooking and childcare - apparently "It was just expected in those days"...hmm my parents are five years older than them, my mum always worked and M&D both shared household tasks, cooking and looking after me, so how did my mum work that one then?

My DH accepts that we are partners and share everything - though I think sometimes because of the way he was brought up he probably would like me to run round after him like his mum did .

mymummyisasquarehead · 20/06/2011 17:28

Reading it again, you actually come across as pretty selfish. Take a step back and read your original post.

TheProvincialLady · 20/06/2011 17:29

I don't see why you are getting so wound up about a man that you speak to about 5 times a year and see once or twice. If his house is filthy then don't visit. If he visits occasionally I don't see why you couldn't just treat him like a guest and look after him instead of expecting him to do loads of jobs for you.

Stoptheclocks · 20/06/2011 17:33

I wouldn't expect my FIL to help at a children's party.

You sound very bossy.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2011 17:35

He sounds a PITA, but , let's look at him through rose-tinted spectacles for a bit - he lost his wife 4 years ago, his home has become a wreck around him and he spends every night anaesthetising himself in the pub. He sounds lonely, potentially depressed. He may well be of the generation where men did not 'do' housework, and doesn't know how to go about it. In this generation, keeping contact was also the wife's prerogative (my dad automatically says 'I'll just get your mother' when he answers the phone), so again he may just not know how to go about it. And 12 holidays in 4 years - getting away from a house which he once shared with his dear wife and where he feels his loss most deeply.

If he's OK for money, encourage him to get a cleaner - starting with a one-off deep clean by the sound of it.

Of course I am most likely way off-beam here, just running through possibilities on the screen in my mind.

Triphop · 20/06/2011 17:48

I don't get your problem. He lives five hours away, he doesn't impose his views on you, he doesn't demand visits, he has his own resources so isn't draining your bank account. Stop whinging.

If his house in minging, ask if he'd like you to find him a cleaner. And obviously stay at a B&B when visiting.

Enjoy your own parents, who sound lovely, and stop waiting for FIL to be someone he isn't. And if you don't think you've got it good, do a quick search for in-law threads on MN, and you'll thank your lucky stars for the FIL you have.

clam · 20/06/2011 18:06

What triphop said. Why is it a problem to you how he lives his life?

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 20/06/2011 18:07

How old is he? If he's really not coping with housework - and a mouldy wall sounds more than just ordinary mess - does he need help?

c0rn55ilk · 20/06/2011 18:16

why does he have to help out at the party? You have one dc....what exactly do you expect him to do?

c0rn55ilk · 20/06/2011 18:17

did you clean his house for him when you visited him BTW?Why not just clean the bathroom if it was so bad? Poor man.

Domesticbodess · 20/06/2011 18:26

I don't think helping at a child's party would be everyone's cup of tea - surely there are enough adults around to lend a hand and let grandad have a break. It's fantastic he has friends of his own generation and goes on holiday - good for him. Surely that's better than being a burden to you and demanding visits all the time. I think a lot of men find it difficult to cope when they're widowed - there's no woman there to do the reminders about phone calls etc.

Easier said than done, but take him as he is. Life's too short for trying to change people.

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