Father in Law rant needed!!!

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AHHHHHHHH the man drives me F**KING insane!!! been with my DH for 10 years and we have a fantastic life and a wonderful son. We're far from rich but we work hard and we are a solid and very close family.

We are very close to my parents, we see and speak to them often. My DM will even ring my DH even if I am out just to say hi and to ask how things are etc....
My DH and dad have a very good relationship even if my dad can be a hand full they do spend time together golfing or going out etc.
My parents often help out with our DS, baby sit, take him on holiday, have him over for the weekend, take him out and always make the effort to keep in touch...for example they would travel 2 hours to attend a school concert then travel home again just to remain a part of his life etc

Well my father in law is the complete opposite..unfortunately we lost my DH's mum 4 years ago and since then it has just highlighted what an arse he is!!! very very lazy and very very selfish. Its all about him or nothing at all.

My DH has now become just as stubborn which I don't blame him to be honest. He can go 4 or 5 weeks without getting in touch and normally when he does get in touch its to inform us he's off on holiday again...( about 12 hols in 4 years)

He doesn't work, has no children at home, no money worries and a good social network of friends...he goes to the pub EVERY night!!! but can't make the effort to ring his kids or his grandkids

He's also very very lazy, will never offer to help with anything, leaves everything at his arse!!! which pisses us off, we work hard all week and don't want to clean up after people on our days off together as a family

he does live about 5 hours away in Scotland but when he doesn't have to work around kids etc then I find that there is no excuse...

We went up to visit a few months back to find his house in a disgusting state!! I mean TOTALLY MINGING!!!! the once white beautiful bathroom was now yellow and the whole house had a tobacco stained stench to it! all 3 of us were expected to sleep in the same room, in the same bed next to a mouldy wall!!! I felt like screaming!! it was that bad for the whole weekend my DH said that our DS was to make do with sink washes as he wasn't allowed near the bath!!!!

I remember him coming to us one xmas ( we do more than our fair share of hosting him at xmas as he doesn't get on with other D-i-L) I spent the WHOLE day chasing after him and missed out on seeing DS enjoy his day, to the point where i made a rather negative comment about being fucked off!!!

I find him such a chore to deal and I feel that my patience is running very thin, believe me I could go on and on giving plently of example but I would be typing all night!!! I am finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue and so is my DH.

Got my DS's B'day party in Aug which he is coming down for, he has been pre warned that he can come to help like the rest of the family!!! mind you he came to help last year and assigned himeself the job of watching the present table for THREE HOURS!!!! then moaned that he was knackered!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Words of encouragement would be good ladies :) any one else have this issue????? xx

Honestly, OP, you sound domineering, intolerant, exacting and really not a very nice person at all.

So you are complaining that he doesn't make an effort to visit but when he does visit you get a mood on and are rude to him because he doesn't help you out?

I'm really struggling to see the issue here.

If I had to travel 5 hours for a birthday party I wouldn't be jumping at the chance to help out, I'd be sitting with my feet up guarding the present table too! I really don't understand why you are angry with him either sorry, because he goes on holiday?

Maybe he is lonely after his wife passing so goes to the pub for company or on holiday to get away and take his mind off things, and he might also be finding it difficult to cope with the house now that he's on his own and might need a bit of help getting a housework routine going, have you offered to help him out at all?

I have to agree with many of the others. Your OP is full of complaints about things he doesn't do for you, in comparison with your parents.

Perhaps he is just a bit lost now his wife has died, or, shock horror, has decided he wants to live his life a different way.

Old man wants to get on with his life in his own way, but his D-I-L expects him to run around after her child, help at parties and muck in when he goes to stay.

You seem to have quite an extended sense of entitlement, and I am surprised at how generous most other posters have been.

Your parents help you out a lot. Be thankful for that, and have a to go with your .

And he sounds like he might need help. Not a judgmental son telling his children not to use the bath.

He does sound like he is neglecting his home - depression or even possibly alcoholism could be a factor

I agree with Exit.

Jeez what kind of birthday party is it that you need hoards of family to help?

I feel sorry for your FIL, sounds like he can't do anything right, no wonder he doesn't visit that often. It's quite clear that you dislike him immensely and he probably senses that every time he sees you. As for you making a comment last time he stayed about being "fucked off", well quite honestly the picture you've painted of yourself is one of a nasty cow.

How about a bit of compassion for a man who is clearly struggling since the death of his wife instead of sneering at the cleanliness of his house, how he spends his money and how he chooses to live?

I think you're taking a bit of a kicking here OP. It would wind me up too. BUT think you can help yourself by accepting he will never be the kind of gp your parents are, being thankful he isn't more demanding of your time and money, and not expecting anything of him when he comes to stay. In return, kindly but firmly show him how to help himself if he needs anything and stop running around after him - he's not your second child.

Sure I'm not alone in having 2 vastly differing sets of grandparents where one set were involved a bit less in our lives than the others. Sounds like your DC will be in this situation and it won't harm them.

With a DIL like you sound like you are, I think I'd be driven to despair, squalor and drink. Poor sod!

He can live his life how he wants

I can't really see your problem

can I just stress that I am using this area to vent at you guys ( sorry ) rather than venting at him. I am very close to him and he would admit on a daily basis that I am the daughter he never had but wished he did. He talks and opens up to me more than he does his own sons and not once have I ever made him feel anyting other than supported and loved. When the MiL passed it was very unexpected, I spent all night driving up there to support him, and I don't just mean hold his hand etc I mean I spent a week spending every minute with him, assisting in all aspects of the funeral, housework, making sure he was eating, registering the death, sorting the wake, getting his shopping and offered an abundance of emotional support. Many of his very close friends and family stated that he never would have got through that week or the months following if he didn't have support like mine.

I have never let onto him that I get frustrated by certain things but just needed to rant rather than making him feel uncomfortable, I'd be mortified if I ever felt I had done that but I work very very long and arduous hours and so does my DH. Our weekends are time to chill and to try and spend as much time with our DS as possible so i sometimes be-grudge having to almost ''mother'' him.

With regards to what he does in his house I can not argue, yes its his house and he can do what he wants but I can't agree with him expecting me to have my son in their, smoking in kitchen while cooking is one example!!! he never would have done it before.Should anyone be visiting my house I make sure it is spotless as well as looking after kids and trying to work 2 jobs so it does get annoying that no effort has been made on his part when we visit.

I can assure you I'm being far from selfish otherwise I would have made my feelings perfectly clear to him which I have avoided for 10 years so far.

I do believe he can do whatever he wants with his money but it would be nice to see him use some of that energy towards his grandkids and kids etc

I hope that sheds more light on my ''whinging''

Hear hear whoatemysnickers!! Well said.

I hear you, op. I don't have the same problem but similarly I get incredibly frustrated that both my dc's grandfatherS have a tendency to put girlfriends, yoga, and random events before spending time with their grandchildren. They contrast so much with the two doting grandmothers. It's difficult to accept and that's that. All I can do is accept that that is the way it is.

I don't think I am being selfish by expressing my feelings on here rather than to people in person....

and with reagrds to the party...we hold a big birthday party then family BBQ afterwards...it is done on the understanding that in order for us to do it everyone chips in and helps, we all chip in with booze, food and helping so it isn't down to just one person.

How old is he?
He sounds like my dad. When my mother died he could do nothing except work and it was down to my sister and me to make sure he ate and had clean clothes and the house was liveable. He was lost without my mum. He also went out every night.
His life didn't get back on track until he met mystepmother.

And there isn't a cat in hell's chance that my father would have helped at a child's party.

And I don't understand the 'mothering' bit - you live hours away! It just sounds like you don't make much room for him in your close-knit family.
I feel really sorry for him.

Hang on - you hold a big party with a family bbq afterwards "it is done on the understanding that in order for us to do it everyone chips in and helps,"
does he (or anyone else) get a say? Maybe he's not bothered by the party or the BBQ?

by mothering I mean almost running around after him whether he is there or here. I can assure you I make more room for him than is DS's normally do. There isn't a week that goes by where I don't text him pictures of my DS, send him homemade cards and letters, make sure he has always got an invite on special occasions etc. All I get frustrated about is his sometime lack of effort with his family...thats all

the party has had everyone's say, it was most of the families idea to use our DS's B'day to hold an extended party so we could use it as a good reason to get everyone together, we agreed to hold it at ours and spend money on hiring a hall as long as we didn't do the 'family party' on our own.

This is a good place to vent, OP but, unless you are the most consumate actress that ever lived, your dislike and digust of your FIL is going to be very obvious and saddening to him.

I think you and your DH, in your equal dislike, should suggest to your FIL that he doesn't stay with you. He'd have a better time staying at a local pub/b&b where he can meet people in the evenings and socialise a bit. He's never going to get that with you. You and your DH are wrapped up in your own doings and you're both intolerant of your FIL.

I don't think you should stay with him anymore either, it's obviously a dreadful imposition to you.

I hope that your DS shows his genuine affection for his grandad without the influence of his parents putting a dampner on that at least.

If you think you're not behaving obviously, think again.

Your FIL sounds much like my DP's dad in basic terms. But I can see why/how DP's dad is the way he is and I can accept that whilst DP's dad can be a PITA, he is DP's PITA, all I have to do is be nice to him.

DP's dad has physical disabilities so I am happy to run around after him on the rare times he stays with us (he lives on a different continent).

On the whole, I think DP's dad is a very nice man, loving and generous, ask his kids they might say different because he can be domineering and overbearing, but DP and his sisters can be much the same! He is too polite to be harsh with me.

When DP's dad did really get on my wick (unclear when he was arriving or leaving for a visit), I just carried on with my normal routine. So one night, dinner was watercress lasagne. His face was a picture when confronted by green stuff on his plate with no evidence of dead animal.

I think you need to accept your DFIL for what he is. He sounds like he is not overly interested in the details of your lives. DP's dad hasn't shown much interest in DP for years but once proper contact was re-established about 5 years ago we have spent a fair amount of time with him. Since DP has been diagnosed with cancer his dad has visited and is planning more visits, from the other side of the world (he is expecting DP to organise them but that's another story!!!).

lyingwitchinthewardrobe...I hate to say it but I completely disagree, I am happy, tolerant, respectful and loving towards him EVERY time I see him.
I can say yes sometimes I dislike him but to say pure disgust is BS, all i wanted to do was have a bit of a rant for him being a bit of a lazy bugger who could try harder sometimes. He has always been made to feel welcome which is why out of all of the family he will come to mine first!!!

He sounds happy enough with his own life so doesn't need your help and I just don't understand why you expect him to help you.

My parents live far away and have never once attended one of my dcs school plays or birthday parties. My dad never once picked up or cuddled one of my children when they were babies. Nevertheless I have never once doubted both my parents' love, support and dedication to me and my family. Not all families follow the same pattern, you know. They can show it in different ways.

OP - how old is he?