Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

paneintheglass. Brilliand!

Portaloo - I don't think your DD's situation really compares with the OP's DD. Your DD was not misbehaving by anyone's standards other than your slightly mad friend, who sounds very control-freakish. And there's no way he should have grabbed hold of your DD by her hood or anywhere else unless she was about to run into the road - HE was utterly unreasonable because she was being a lovely sweet 18mo girl and he was bonkers.

OTOH - the OP's DD was whining and kicking - that doesn't qualify as lovely behaviour by any stretch of the imagination (except possibly the OP's) and she was told off, as she should have been. Sure the man might have been louder and sharper than the OP would have liked but she should have done something about it herself. HE is not bonkers - HE is telling the child to stop misbehaving.

There is a BIG difference between the two scenarios.

Maybe the OP should write a book and call it "The Shout"........

Couldn't be any less self-aware and pretentious than the original piece of drivel

This thread is hilariously bonkers.

My DD repeatedly kicked somebody in the shins and he told her to stop it! What a WANKER!

This is MN at its finest.

What this thread has done is illustrate to me how we tend to select/mix wth friends who have similar approaches to parenting.

This has never been an issue for me because none of my friends would have any issues with dh or I telling off (even harshly) one of their children if they were doing something wrong (and in their opinions, as in my mine, "playful kicking" would come into that category). And by the same token, neither dh nor I would have any qualms in telling off their children.

My best friend is my guru (along with her dh) and I have always followed their lead and example on parenting. They have 4 kids, ranging in age from 23 to 11 (including one with SN). All of them lovely kids. Her dh can silence a child or a dog (or a cat, as he once did to one of mine) at 50 paces with a stern word. The children (including my ds) adore him.

In my view, "it takes a village to raise a child" - and that we all have a responsibility to make it clear to kids what is and is not acceptable behaviour. In fact, I welcome other adults telling off my child as it illustrates to him that it is not just his nasty parents who are cramping his style (Doesn't happen very often though as he is a wee angel around others in the same way that he will eat anything when visiting, but is more fussy at home - seems to be par for the course for kids)

Other obviously have a different approach and it would appear, "never the twain shall meet".

I would suggest to the OP that given that she still thinks that her friend's dh was wrong, that she avoid future contact with him if her dd is going to be present.

Wow this is still going?! Had a quick flick through and saw this:

Why do some parents assume children come in to the world fully cooked and ready for action?

They need gentle, firm ,and consistant instruction to help them become kind and fair adults.

They need to be treated as humans and given respect in a way appropriate to their ages.

Sums it up really.

I don't assume that at all. If a baby accidentally kicked me, strangely enough, I would let it go. The OP's dd is 4 and most four year olds know that repeatedly kicking an adult is wrong. I wonder why the OP's dd doesn't? Because she hasn't been taught it that's why! Her mum is STILL maintaining it's a fun game and seems genuinely shocked that anyone would be annoyed by it. The only thing that her child will have learned from the whole experience is that kicking is fun and the 'bad' man was wrong to tell her off.
Good luck in school! If the other kids don't take kindly to her game she is likely to get a lot worse than 'stop it'.

You can be amongst my circle of friends *gruffalosma" :)

Prettybird -

Am in alone in finding that kind of comment unrealistic and unhelpful at best, smug and sanctimonious at worst? Do you live in a commune? I don't really believe you would 'welcome' other adults telling off your child, come on now. Who would? If we're all honest I think we can tolerate it if it's appropriate but nobody in their right mind would welcome it.

l would run a mile from the 'village' you describe here... all a bit Royston Vasey for me. It shows remarkable trust in your community. Imagine living somewhere where everyone was a perfect parent and every situation was judged correctly and unanimously agreed upon, where nobody ever had a hangover, or PMT, or a sleepless night, or no money, or illness, or a relationship on the skids... that's real life. Mistakes get made. Nobody's perfect.

Pane - don't know if you're alone but tbh, I at least partly agree with Prettybird. Where I live, our playgroup is pretty much like she says - if someone sees any child doing something they shouldn't, they tell that child off and that's fine. I'd far rather someone told my DS off for doing something he shouldn't than just standing back and watching him be naughty.

paneintheglass I agree

prettybird You follow their lead and example on parenting?! Sounds creepy actually! What about making your own decisions and parenting choices? You have such a weak idea of how to parent you own children that you have to find someone else to copy?!

Actually, I do welcome others telling off my ds - as I said, it shows him that it is not just his "nasty" parents who expect reasonable standards of behaviour. However, I might well also be mortified that I hadn't seen the poor behaviour first - but that is my problem and not one I am going to transfer onto the person who had to do the telling off. Ds certainly wouldn't have got a cuddle in a similar situation.

And we're not all perfect: I love the fact that we can hear our neighbours occasionally screaming at their kids when they have melt downs (the kids, that is, not the neighbours, although I am sure that they do lose it too!) as it makes us feel better about the meltdowns we occasionally get from our ds (fewer now that he is 10 - although I am sure they will start increasing again as he enters teenagerdom). And they have said the same to us: that it helps them know that they are not the only ones who occasionally struggle when they hear us having issues with ds.

I have a nice circle of friends that I trust. It sounds like I am fortunate. Sue me.

Totallylovely Good post!

There is a big difference littlepin between this -

My best friend is my guru (along with her dh) and I have always followed their lead and example on parenting.

. . . and looking to other people for tips and ideas. That's why it's creepy!

Why thank you paneintheglass

My friend has raised 4 absolutely fabulous kids - what is wrong with trying to emulate that? She started a family much earlier than me, so I have watched her children grow up - so hers was a good example to follow. That and my own parents, who I respect greatly.

I am not going to apologise for trying to learn from good examples.

I have an only child, whereas she had 4, so there are obviously differences. He is a different character too - but there are basic principles that are the same.

I do not assume that I know all the answers and will continue to enjoy learning from others. From MN, for example, I learnt about the book "How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" which I have found really useful and no doubt will be re-reading again as ds enters the grumpy stage of pre teenagerdom.

prettybird I recommend "When your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it". It helped me soooooo much!

"My best friend is my guru (along with her dh) and I have always followed their lead and example on parenting."

Sent ME red flags of possible Cult Member type that is willing to sacrifice her soul and all independent thought.

Or I could be wrong.

I am by Totallylovely's analysis of what I have said. Maybe it is because I disagree with her that she has taken what I said so literally. Other appear to have understood better what I was getting at.

I am not slavishly following everything that my friend and her dh do. BTW - they also live 300 miles away, so it would be difficult to do so, even I wanted to (which I don't). (I lived closer when her older kids were young)