Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

ithink Yes, personally, I would've disciplined my DD had she been kicking someone, but my point is - where does it end? What are the rules? I can see a difference, yes, but others may not be able to. Who's to say who is right and who is wrong?

Ivor, I think most people supporting the OP have made it quite clear that they think parents can get away with speaking to their children in way that friends or strangers cannot.
Friends can discipline others children but it has to be in a much calmer non emotive manner than a parent whose child still won't put their shoes on at 8.45am may use.

Pictish, you do know saying 'quit whinging' is not a terribly effective behavioural technique don't you?? .

Portaloo but MOST people do use their heads. Its a minority of people who can't/would not and generally there are other people around to witness what goes on.

Also Christine, If you think I will change my mind as my DC grows up, please just say that instead of patronising me FFS. I don't appreciate being patronised.

Ivor It is the minority who worry me.

Yes Morde, what I was saying that speaking sternly to a child is not punishment, it is just correction!

Bet it would work on other people's kids though....if not our own!

I've just read the whole thread and I haven't changed my initial opinion that YANBU to be annoyed with him.

Because she kicked him under a table, the child is being painted as some Horrid Henry type of brat, but she might actually have thought he'd find it funny, she's four, she finds silly things funny. He's someone she feels comfortable with and she obviously didn't expect him to snap at her for it. True it isn't something she should do to grown ups, but surely mistakes have to be made in order to learn from them? Small incidents like this can be dealt with firmly enough without being either a wishy washy sap or a bully.

I wouldn't be emailing after the event though OP, if you were going to pull him on it, it should have been there and then tbh. Frustrating, i know but......

Someone snapping at my child without first giving me the chance to say something just isn't on and if that makes me UR, then so be it really.

Yes, probably would actually. If someone other than my friends or family told me to quit whinging I would probably be a bit upset and humiliated but it would make me shut up!

Keep it simple!

28 pages1
28 pages!

I don't beleeve it!

OP - your dd's forgotten all about it now, hasn't she?

You ask where is the line drawn. Well for me to say something to a friends child they would pretty much have to be physically attacking me. Which funnily enough has never happened.
What if a 4 yo was kicking your child and their mother did nothing. Would you say nothing then in case you hurt their feelings?

Sorry, that was patronising but there is a world of difference between an 18 month old doing something quite sweet and someone being a complete arse about it, and a four year old being an annoying bugger and someone being a complete arse about it.

It is an absurd comparison, the two evens are not remotely comparable.

That's probably even more horrible that my last post, isn't it?

To be honest, I get really irritated by the number of posters who have started threads on MN saying that it is their job to discipline their children and then it's patently obvious they bloody don't. At what point is someone else supposed to step in? I've seen another kid whack my kid round the head with a big wooden brick - mum said nothing. I've heard kids tell him he's thick and a stupid baby - parents have said nothing. I've been hit by numerous kids and the parents have said nothing. I will step in and give the kid a telling off because it's shitty behaviour and I don't care if people think I'm horrible. If you allow your children to behave badly, I don't want them around thank you.

There is no such thing as playful kicking.

Personally speaking, I'd only call it 'playfully' kicking if both parties are engaged in it. The friend's DH wasn't engaged with it and was irritated by being kicked so it wasn't playful IMO.

TBH the OP's DD was snapped at because she was being irritating, and it's not for the OP to decide who does and doesn't get to be annoyed with her DD kicking them.

Okay. Confession time. Have read all this thread. (Never been on here before today, so got a bit dragged in!) And like some have noticed OP, you seem to have come here looking for affirmation of your own beliefs, with no chance of taking on the criticism offered you, and replying mainly to those agreeing with you.
If you're not going to take the advice, don't ask for it.

Unfortunately, no matter how long this thread gets, it's not likely to convince you.
Here's some info about arguing on the internet.
youarenotsosmart.com/2011/06/10/the-backfire-effect/

My children are not manipulative or remotely precious

lets face it, have you ever ever heard a parent admit their kid was manipulative or precious even when they are the most manipulative precious princess since time began

My kids are ALL occasionally manipulative and ALL sometimes precious.

How's that?

If he was engaged in it, I'm sure people would take things out of perspective and start saying he was a weirdo anyway. You can't win!

Only read first page so if its moved on I apologise.

But YABU. I have a friend whos DD only constantly kicks as shes being playful, touches things she not meant to and asked not to and if they break it was only an accident..... and I could go on.

If a child kicks then yes they need to be told stop that.

Oh my DS was unually misbehaved yesterday and told my brother who had taken him out (DS was whining and being stroppy) he only has to do as I (his mum tells him ) He is grounded for a week so he only has to do as 1 say.

Day 1 and he's already sorry.

I was there that day and I saw the whole thing myself. Everyone was crazy that day. The child was out of control, the mother was insane with rage and the husband went absolutely ballistic. There was a terrible scene. A Bugaboo went over. Grown men wept. I saw mothers in Boden clothes covering their childrens' eyes, it was shocking. A macchiato even got spilt.

It was one of those moments that stay with you for the rest of your life.

hahahaaaa!

lol LL