Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

thegruff what?

I do know what I would have done ...I would have handed her back to you.

I wouldn't 'flip' in a cafe ...ever.

So undignified to be honest. :) :) :)

I just didn't get what behaviour it was you were avoiding addressing because of your friend. You surely wouldn't have disciplined her for looking at birds regardless?
And the point has been made that the man in the OP didn't lay hands physically on the child - it was him who was being 'playfully' attacked.

Portaloo, there is a difference between saying "hello, bird" and kicking someone in the shins. There is a difference between manhandling and saying "stop that", even if it was snappy. I can't believe that this needs pointing out.

Well we wouldn't want to risk looking undignified when having ones leg kicked would we.

Portaloo - your DD is also 18 months. There is a vast difference in understanding between an 18month old and a 4 year old. There's also a difference in that your DD wasn't misbehaving, she was just being 18 months old - this 4 year old was actively going out of her way to kick someone.

And the grumpy bastard man merely told the OP's DD to stop he didnt' lay a hand on her.

And I wouldn't tell an 18 month old off for anything - mine or anyone elses. They can't learn from it so no point. A 4 year old is a different kettle of fish.

I'm sure she lets them out of the hamster ball occasionally.

thegruff maybe I am made of steel ?

I can't see how I would need to make a fuss or look undignified?

Just me I guess.

There is nowhere here that states OP's DD was continuing to kick and kick him in the shins.

The OP stated that he had already told her not to whine,he obviously has no patience around children.Perhaps he has very low blood sugar and was done waiting for his scone

Nobody will ever know...

Or perhaps the OP's DD had actually been whining and whining all afternoon.

FFS are you also going to let her kick the backs of the seats in the cinema?????

Kicking playfully - kicking is not playful and the sooner she learns that the better. She sounds like a bit of brat to be honest if you you have brought her up to think kicking is playful. Would be akin to saying slapping or punching is playful to me.

And my final bit of wisdon - it takes a village to raise a child - more often than not the person who is telling your kid off will also be the one looking out for them

Dandy I live in the rural Mid-West of America.

My brother has SN.

I send my children to state school.

That is why, it is very important to maintain at home (what I consider) a balanced home life.

I have just had a thought. OP, is the man's wife your friend?

He and his wife are having problems, I'm guessing that the wife has told you all about these problems and what a horrible man the husband is? With the best will in the world, that would colour your opinion of him. Especially since you state that you only went out to support his wife, so I'm guessing that you weren't exactly a fan even before you went.

Oh,and actually I did say my younger children didn't I?

My eldest has gained enough common sense (from being around balanced people) to know what adults should behave like.

I can only do my best (till they are grown ) and hope that they will recognize trouble if and when it comes around.

They enjoy very free lives.

Can I just say....I think we should pass a social law that allows us to tell other people's children to 'STOP WHINING!'

I hate whining, wheedling and whinging more than anything else little kids do. It drives me bananas. One thing that is sure to ruin a nice day out/social event for me, is listening to the continuous drone of someone else's miserable demanding kid.

I'd love it if it was socially acceptable to say 'for God's sake belt up!' and wouldn't mind anyone saying it to my kids, especially seeing as the little snots often take more notice of other adults than their own parents in such a situation.

I will never tolerate my kids spoiling everyone's nice time with whining, and fucking resent it when someone else's spoils mine.

Let's just make it ok to admonish bloody whiners now! Excellent!!

Joy you are THE true star of this thread - so steady away!

Good Job - keeping this end going.

It's like trying to convert the "Ten Angry Young Men" - if anyone has seen that film.

thank you joy, you sound like a nice lady and bringing up a nice family. Good for you!

My dd is 4 and I can't think of a time where she would kick someone playfully and I'd be ok with that . If for some reason she did I'd be grateful for a negative response from someone other than me- much more meaningful than the old 'mum talk'. I'd say he did you a favour. I wouldn't tell another child to stop whining unless they are under my care but I certainly feel like it sometimes!

Well clearly I was avoiding addressing the issue of my DD talking to the birds. My ex friend deemed this to be bad behaviour, I didn't, so my friend disciplined my DD in a way he thought was appropriate.
Now, I don't think my DD should be allowed to kick, punch, bite, slap, hit, spit at anyone, but there will always be other parents who see this as a phase, or have some excuse for why their DC were behaving that way. Is it right for other people to discipline my daughter as they see fit, regardless of what I think, whilst I am there? Or does this only apply when DC are hitting/kicking/biting/slapping/spitting?
Maybe there are parents who think that so long as the discipline isn't physical, there isn't a problem, but you will also get people who geuinely believe that children deserve a smack sometimes and if their parents aren't going to administer a smack, then they are free to.
Where does it end???
Personally, I think it is a very slippery slope.
Maybe there should be a rule book on what is socially acceptable and what isn't, because without hard and fast rules, there are always going to be conflicts over what is suitable punishment for the behaviour.

I can discipline my own DC perfectly well on my own, I do not need someone else to discipline my DC thank you very much.
I will discipline my DC as I see fit, not how other people decide is appropriate. If anyone I associate with doesn't like the way I discipline my DC, or snaps, shouts at my DC whilst I am present or physically punishes my DC, I will avoid them like the plague.
There are many bullies in this world, and I wont stand by and allow my DC to be bullied because someone else justifies it to themselves. OTOH, I wouldn't allow my DC to kick/spit at/punch/slap bite anyone.
I discipline my DC as I see fit. It's not a bloody free for all.

On that note, I am leaving this thread, because the issue here imo is not the fact that the OP's DD was right or wrong, it is the fact that to alot of posters, it is okay to punish other people's DC in their parents presence as they deem appropriate. I don't have the sort of friends who take it upon themselves to discipline my DC, and I don't discipline theirs. If I don't like the way a friend allows their DC to behave, I take it up with the parents. If I cannot resolve the problem with the parents, I avoid the family. I do not begin a one woman crusade to instil discipline into other people's DC. That is not my responsibility. We all have different ideas as to what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour in DC.
Goodnight all on this thread.

animation I guess?

portaloo - your child is 18 months and was just being 18 months.

The OP's child was 4 and was whining and kicking. Can't you see there's a difference?

Also, you would have disciplined your DD if required. The OP was failing to deal with her child's unacceptable behaviour.

Oh and Portaloo - the husband in the OP did not "punish" the DD - he merely told her to stop doing something

Christine My pfb is already quite grown up thank you very much.

I do not think it is ok to punish someone elses child. I wouldn't.
Telling a child to stop doing something that is clearly disrespectful and possibly painful is not punishment, it is merely common sense!