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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not bought my friends a coffee?

147 replies

ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 20:39

I meet up with my friend and her dp once a month for a coffee and catch up. Every single time we meet, I arrive on time, to find they have got there 15 minutes earlier and are half way through their first cup of coffee. Fair enough.

Usually I say a quick hello, get the dc's sat down and go up to get my coffee and ALWAYS ask them if they would like another which they always do. Again fair enough no objections to buying coffees BUT because they've then had two coffees they don't want a third and never return the offer to get me a second cup.

If this was a one off or occassional occurence it wouldn't bother me but it is everytime so today I decided to arrive 15 minutes early and thought I would get myself a drink and see how it panned out. However by arriving early it turned out we all got there at the same time.

So we found a table, everyone sat down and there was a lengthy tumbleweed moment whilst we sat there with noone making the first move to go order coffee. It was really painfull and I nearly cracked but eventually my friends dp got up and said "shall I go up then? Do you want one?"

I decided not to offer to buy another round of coffees after we finished the first, just wrapped the conversation up and said our goodbyes.

I went completely against my nature not to offer to get the first round and definately made me uncomfortable not to reciprocate but I kinda feel that they are not playing nicely either.

AIBU (i know this is a pathetic concern in the grand scheme of life but it is taking my mind off more stressfull worries!)

OP posts:
clappyhands · 19/06/2011 20:41

aaahhhh Connor

sounds very reasonable what you did :)

i like your style

microfight · 19/06/2011 20:43

Fine, I have had this situation too. In future I would just get your own in when you arrive and be done with it

iEmbarassedMyself · 19/06/2011 20:45

Next time, 20 minutes earlier Wink
and YANBU, sounds like they owe you a hundred rounds or so anyway

lalabaloo · 19/06/2011 20:49

Yeah you were being perfectly reasonable, they aren't playing fair. usually with my friends it works itself out over a few meals/coffees but that clearly isn't happening here

mummyosaurus · 19/06/2011 20:49

YANBU They sound tight.

I think I'd just get my own, not offer to buy a round, it seems simpler.

PicaK · 19/06/2011 20:49

Hmmmm. Maybe a bit u.

They'd prob be astonished to know that you'd noted this stuff and mortified to realise they were always quids in.

I too am one of life's "counters" - seems perfectly natural and reasonable to me to know at anyone time to whom you owe a drink, a meal, a lift etc.

But important to realise other people don't - so they're really NOT "not playing fair"

ThePathanKhansWoman · 19/06/2011 20:49

Yanbu, stuff like this makes me just want to avoid such people forever.

Give them a wide berth,get yerself some mates whose hands can find their purses/wallets. Meaness is such a horrible quality, it's different if a friend tells you they are low on funds.

potoftea · 19/06/2011 20:51

I know it sounds a bit petty, and you feel a bit mean making a big thing out of a cup of coffee, but honestly to some people this is a planned thing, and they do plan it to get out of paying. So next time just wave at them as you arrive and go get your own coffee before joining them, so no need to offer.

My late grandfather was extremely generous, the kind to practically force a drink on you when out. But he realised he was been taken for a fool with one family he knew. Whilst out for the day they would end up in hotel bar for a drink. Every time, the wife and children would say "you two men go ahead, and we'll follow". Then the husband would insist on buying the drink when they got there. But then the wife and dc came along in time for grandad's round! He hated the meanness of it, and it really upset him. Funny thing is he's dead over 30 years and I still remember this about these relatives!

mdowdall · 19/06/2011 20:54

YANBU OP. This is clearly a strategy on their part and good on yer for calling the bluff of the tight fuckers!

TheSkiingGardener · 19/06/2011 20:58

Well played. If they did realise, then they know they have been rumbled. If they didn't realise then maybe they do now!

Next time, get your own and don't offer, with people like that it's too difficult. See what they do next time, that should tell you what's going on.

thestringcheeseincident · 19/06/2011 21:00

Well they'll probably be an hour early next time.
Agree with everyone else, just grab your own next time. Or ask them for the money to pay for theirs.

God some people are tight.

squeezemebakingpowder · 19/06/2011 21:02

YANBU, I think they know exactly what they're doing!

bellavita · 19/06/2011 21:03

Yanbu.

I certainly agree that next time you meet and they are already there, just politely wave and buy your own.

oldraver · 19/06/2011 21:04

So there is two of them and one of you and you buy for both never getting anything in return ?? Then they are taking the piss

I used to go out with a married couple and the woman prided herself on 'not bothering with hindrances such as purses or handbags as she couldn't be arsed'. So hubby had the money and we would buy rounds.. him then me, him then me. It never occured to them I was buying two drinks and the wife should be taking her turn in the round

everlong · 19/06/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/06/2011 21:06

Next time you meet up do the same thing you've always done, ask them if they want coffee when they say yes, go up order the coffees and when it comes time to pay pretend you've forgot your purse or your card has been refused.
That's what I'd do but then again I am shameless! Grin

firemansamantha · 19/06/2011 21:08

Yes, what potoftea said.

It took me quite a few years to realise that some people really, really do operate in this way on purpose.

I'm in the first at the bar camp and am mortified if I can't return an outstanding round. Most of my friends are the same.

But I have met people who think of it as some kind of sport to get people to buy their drinks and actually think up strategies to make it happen - went to Uni with a girl who passed on this nugget "if you all walk into a pub at the same time then make sure you stop to tie your shoelace so somebody else goes to the bar first."

If this couple do it all the time, and it sounds like they arrive early to ensure it happens then they are nobs and YANBU.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/06/2011 21:10

I disagree with Picak they know what they are doing otherwise he would have got the coffee and there would not have been a tumbleweed moment.

They're mean.

Original poster
ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 21:10

Everlong I never arrive late (am a stickler for time keeping)

Yes I always end up buying for both of them but they never get one for me betwen them.

Glad I'm not being to petty.

i don't always count the pennies and don't resent buying coffees for anyone but feel this is a bit much!

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 19/06/2011 21:10

Which bit of 'I arrive on time' are you having problems with Everlong???

jimswifein1964 · 19/06/2011 21:11

Are they very well off? I think there is often a big difference between the perception of such situations, between people who are careful with their money & those who arent.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/06/2011 21:11

fireman yes! I have known people like that! In fact an ex of mine was like this...e would do his utmost to get other folk to get the drinks. Blush SO embarrasing. He got the boot swiftly.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/06/2011 21:12

everlong the OP DOES get there on time! The friends gt there early so are almost fnished when she arrives...she then buys them a coffee with her own...then they do not reciprocate.

Gay40 · 19/06/2011 21:14

This sort of thing drives me mad. I assume everyone is taking their turn with stuff until it is VERY obvious they aren't. Then I start getting really nitpicky over pennies.
I can't abide meanness.

MrsKravitz · 19/06/2011 21:15

I hate the rounds culture. I grew up in a microculture where if a man buys a woman a drink, its a "gift". Imagine my upset when I first arrived in UK and having gone on an evening out, was abused by a group of "friends" because I hadnt got a round. One guy had bought me a drink early on in the evening and then the girl I was living with later on. I was a tiny girl who drank very slowly and had never heard of "rounds". 12 years later i never forgot how horrible they were about that.