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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not bought my friends a coffee?

147 replies

ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 20:39

I meet up with my friend and her dp once a month for a coffee and catch up. Every single time we meet, I arrive on time, to find they have got there 15 minutes earlier and are half way through their first cup of coffee. Fair enough.

Usually I say a quick hello, get the dc's sat down and go up to get my coffee and ALWAYS ask them if they would like another which they always do. Again fair enough no objections to buying coffees BUT because they've then had two coffees they don't want a third and never return the offer to get me a second cup.

If this was a one off or occassional occurence it wouldn't bother me but it is everytime so today I decided to arrive 15 minutes early and thought I would get myself a drink and see how it panned out. However by arriving early it turned out we all got there at the same time.

So we found a table, everyone sat down and there was a lengthy tumbleweed moment whilst we sat there with noone making the first move to go order coffee. It was really painfull and I nearly cracked but eventually my friends dp got up and said "shall I go up then? Do you want one?"

I decided not to offer to buy another round of coffees after we finished the first, just wrapped the conversation up and said our goodbyes.

I went completely against my nature not to offer to get the first round and definately made me uncomfortable not to reciprocate but I kinda feel that they are not playing nicely either.

AIBU (i know this is a pathetic concern in the grand scheme of life but it is taking my mind off more stressfull worries!)

OP posts:
ImeldaM · 20/06/2011 09:34

OP, definitely just buy your own next time.

With the taxi thing, dont think taxi's are charged on how many people, usually 2 addresses would increase the cost, although if you all going the same way agree should be split into 3.

MrsKravitz · 20/06/2011 09:40

bootymum No, not at all. I buy my own drinks. My description of what I was like, was to represent the fact I hardly drank much at all (as explained).

MrsKravitz · 20/06/2011 09:41

I would have thought the taxi fare would go per distance rather than per person unless everyone was going to the same addres btw.

SpottyFrock · 20/06/2011 09:43

The OP is certainly not being unreasonable. However, I definately think the cab thing is. You are going to 2 addresses therefore it is split 2 ways. If you'd just gone out with the wife you'd split the exact same cab fare two ways. You don't pay more for the cab if there is three of you, do you?

It's not at all like a round or a meal or a coffee. If you compare it to a meal, say, then it would be the equivalent of the 3 of you ordering two meals, the couple sharing one meal but being asked to pay two thirds of the total bill. How is that fair?

DH is the least tight person I have ever met and if 3 of us were going to 2 houses in a cab it would never occur to him for us to pay two thirds. Nor would it occur to me.

GetOrf · 20/06/2011 09:43

OP you sound like someone I met in Cheltenham Waitrose car park a couple of years ago.

A kid wa prancing about and hopping from bollard to bollard, she took a flying leap and landed on my sandalled foot. I said sharply 'Oi, watch it' and the kid fled off and his in its mother's dirndl skirt. Mother gave me a SCANDALISED look. I don't think she had ever heard the word 'oi' directed at her precious darling before.

If a kid hurts me from their actions, whether accidental or not, I reserve the right to say 'oi' at it.

MrsKravitz · 20/06/2011 09:45

I agree spottyfrock

GetOrf · 20/06/2011 09:47

Sorry - posted that on the wrong bloody thread Blush

ScarletOHaHa · 20/06/2011 09:55

YANBU - this is a sport to some people.
As a family we always used to split the restaurant bill but couples, even if some people had kids and some didn't. My ex Bil always got a starter, main, dessert and drinks. My sis and her 2 children had mains/ kids meals. Ex Bil really started taking the pee and and so at the end of the meal I shared the bill according to what people ordered. He was really cross and stormed off. It also turned out my other sister wasn't skint but was paying her mortgage off. I was happy to pay extra until I felt taken advantage of and now make it clear that I will pay for my own family.
Also when I was going out regularly the rule of thumb was if there were couples the round was divided into couples. If there was a mixed group each person bought a round. My DB was single for ages and if he came out with my DH and I, the bill was split 3 ways.

meltedchocolate · 20/06/2011 10:05

YANBU. I had a friend who did this, they waited til I was there to order and waited for me to go up first knowing I would offer Hmm even though I am a single mum with little money and they are just single with no kids and money... Shock

One day I met her and set down my bag and just said Blush 'sorry I would offer you a drink but I am very skint this week, even had to bring DS a drink from home' laughed in a 'ah dear me, aren't times hard but never mind we'll cope' kind of way and went up for my drink. This totally goes against what I am normally like but sometimes I was paying for her lunch too! Needless to say I don't meet up with her that often any more.

PigletJohn · 20/06/2011 10:53

Re the chums for coffee thing

If they are habitually arriving before you, by 15mins and a coffee, I reckon they consider themselves to be close friends and are arranging to meet and have a coffe and a chat before you arrive.

If you feel like it, you can say "oh, I bought you both coffee last time, who's going to do it today?" and they might or might not be embarressed or offended at being found out.

earlyriser · 20/06/2011 11:20

PigletJohn- The other 2 friends are a couple.

PigletJohn · 20/06/2011 11:30

Oh yes, sorry, I missed that Blush

but perhaps they still are.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2011 11:33

YANBU

caramelwaffle · 20/06/2011 12:01

Yanbu.

Still meet up with them only, buy coffee just for yourself: the tumbleweed moment clearly shows they have this planned or are too used to a certain pattern.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2011 12:05

I'd not bother setting up another meeting with them, either. They've been rumbled. They definitely planned this.

I can't abide tight-fisted people.

It's usually never the ones with the least money, either.

melikalikimaka · 20/06/2011 12:16

My SIL and BIL invited us round last night to have a curry and drinks which was after we had been to FILs for afternoon.

She then turned around and said to her DH, hope you are going to pay for the curry as I don't get paid til next week and you haven't got any money in your account.

She then turned to me and asked if we had got any wine, I said yes. Good she said, cos we haven't got any in the house, or for that matter any drink.

We gave up, we ordered and paid for curry and they had drinks at ours.

Why did they bother to invite us at all? Hmm

PigletJohn · 20/06/2011 12:30

"Why did they bother to invite us at all?"

I can see why! Grin

slowshow · 20/06/2011 12:47

YANBU

Some people are just pathologically tight.

I may have told this story before, but my husband has a friend so tight he squeaks when he walks. A group of us (six in total) went out for a cheap Thai meal once. We all had mains and soft drinks - nothing fancy. We were all set to split the bill equally when Mr Tightarse pipes up that him and his girlfriend had tap water next to our cans of Coke/Sprite/whatever and insisted they both paid about £1.50 less than the rest of us.

My head nearly exploded. Not least because I had a vegetarian meal and could have quibbled about paying a couple of quid less as well - but of course I wasn't bothered about that.

I'll never forget it either!

melikalikimaka · 20/06/2011 13:17

I am sick of tight people and seem to be surrounded by them.

melikalikimaka · 20/06/2011 13:20

Avoid, avoid, avoid, I'd rather be a hermit than keep financing these leeches.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2011 13:55

I cut tight people out of my life. Again, because there's a huge difference between being tight and being skint/low income/financial troubles.

probablyveryunreasonable · 20/06/2011 14:11

You need to arrive 10 mins early. That way they will still be drinking their first cup when you arrive so you can just get your own as they won't be ready for another! Grin

MCos · 20/06/2011 16:10

Was thinking exactly what probablyveryunreasonable said!

WineAndPizza · 20/06/2011 16:12

Totally agree that couples should pay for two rounds rather than one - it drives me crazy when people don't do this. But with the taxi I'm with Karma and Fanjo - it's two addresses, not three. If the couple lived separately I would expect them to each pay their share but if together then it costs no more to drop them both off. Otherwise they lose out by sharing with the single person.

Drinks you get one per person, so you should repay in the same way.

ChristinedePizan · 20/06/2011 21:13

See the taxi thing is still riling me. If there are three of us in a cab and we split the fare 50/50 so that I as a single person pay half the fare and they pay the other half, I'm subsidising them aren't I? Because their fare is now a lot cheaper because I'm paying half of it!

Honestly, I'm perfectly happy to get the tube home but so many couples insist that it's dangerous. Or maybe it's just that they want to halve their cab fare?

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