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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not bought my friends a coffee?

147 replies

ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 20:39

I meet up with my friend and her dp once a month for a coffee and catch up. Every single time we meet, I arrive on time, to find they have got there 15 minutes earlier and are half way through their first cup of coffee. Fair enough.

Usually I say a quick hello, get the dc's sat down and go up to get my coffee and ALWAYS ask them if they would like another which they always do. Again fair enough no objections to buying coffees BUT because they've then had two coffees they don't want a third and never return the offer to get me a second cup.

If this was a one off or occassional occurence it wouldn't bother me but it is everytime so today I decided to arrive 15 minutes early and thought I would get myself a drink and see how it panned out. However by arriving early it turned out we all got there at the same time.

So we found a table, everyone sat down and there was a lengthy tumbleweed moment whilst we sat there with noone making the first move to go order coffee. It was really painfull and I nearly cracked but eventually my friends dp got up and said "shall I go up then? Do you want one?"

I decided not to offer to buy another round of coffees after we finished the first, just wrapped the conversation up and said our goodbyes.

I went completely against my nature not to offer to get the first round and definately made me uncomfortable not to reciprocate but I kinda feel that they are not playing nicely either.

AIBU (i know this is a pathetic concern in the grand scheme of life but it is taking my mind off more stressfull worries!)

OP posts:
thenightsky · 19/06/2011 22:07

See... if I get there first I would always text the people I was meeting and say 'I've arrived and got the first round in'

Next time... text them and say.. I'm running late, get me one in and I'll be there asap'

ScarlettIsWalking · 19/06/2011 22:12

I genuinely don't get the cab thing - surely if you are all going home you split the cab 3 ways unless someone is going on to a huge distance.

ChristinedePizan · 19/06/2011 22:21

Well it was a very common experience for me when I lived in London, Scarlett. I've never really talked about it before because it just seemed to be so accepted but by god it irked me.

Original poster
ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 22:26

I think men are better at handling this sort of thing DH told me once that in his group of friends there was one guy who NEVER got a round in, always got out of it somehow so one night when it was DH's round he asked evryone what they were having and when he got to this bloke he said "Nothing for you you tight C* you never get your wallet out"

Apparently everyone cheered Shock and the bloke was mortified and practically ran to the bar to get drinks

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 19/06/2011 22:34

At the weekend a large family group ordered Fish and Chips. BIL went to collect them, we gave £10, total was £10.20. BIL asked for the extra 20p from us. Lots of other people had £1 being given back as change or handing over extra, but 20p not sure I would've worried about that. I then had to wait 5 mins whilst he sorted out everyones cash to make sure it was right and all tallied. In the end, 2 or 3 people gave him our extra 20p as several thought it was amusing. So he ended up 80p better off. Several of his cousins reminded him of this tightfistedness throughout the evening.

But its how he always has money and lots of others don't. He know where and how he is spending every penny.

IreneHeron · 19/06/2011 22:40

I'm with Ericnorthmans on this. I've genuinely never experienced buying rounds of coffee, how wired would you get? Perfectly acceptable to buy your own coffee and cake and not offer others. Of course I've bought coffee for friends before but I'd never expect it to work like rounds in a pub.

If I were you OP just turn up whenever I was ready and just buy my own and sit down.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 19/06/2011 22:44

Meant to add YADNBU, they need to start paying their own way.

Jonnyfan · 19/06/2011 22:45

Used to spend time with a friend who suggested we went shopping in Milton Keynes- about 45 mins drive- whilst our older children were at school. She had a four year old who would come with us. She asked me to drive- would get DH to drop her off, so I paid petrol. When we got there she immediately suggested coffee-DS had juice she brought with her-and insisted on paying. Later we decided on lunch in John Lewis-soup and open sandwiches all round, plus drinks- and she declared that I should pay as she paid the first time! Foolishly, I did, but I never went with her again.

vess · 19/06/2011 22:59

YANBU.
I hate rounds. What if you just want one drink?

Bumblequeen · 19/06/2011 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

LovelyDaffs · 19/06/2011 23:43

It must be intentional, I don't count as such, but if a friend buys the coffees I make a mental note to ensure that I buy the next time. I wouldn't make the same note to self if it were the other way around, so I might buy a few in a row, but would never miss my turn iyswim. I think most people work like that. I have a friend I meet for coffe who brings her ds with her and he often has a muffin, so in effect an extra item and she always offers to get his if I'm paying. I wouldn't accept, but it's acknowledged.

oldraver · 20/06/2011 00:15

Christine yes I sort of had a similar 'taxi' experience as well. I had been on holiday with said couple and also got into me/them rounds. The second year we went away two others friends came and couple woman said we would get a mini-bus to airport as it would work out cheaper between 4, counting the couple as one yet again until friend pointed out there was five of us. Wife agreed but in the end it was back to three of us going and the bill was split half and half...

We met someone travelling alone and she joined us on our nights out and after a week she remarked about the three rounds for four of us. Luckily we had a night out to a notoriously expensive place and new friend suggested buying our own and we stuck to that for the second week

The thing is I think my friends were noty being mean as they always payed their way with other things, its judt that they did see themselves as 'one'

perfumedlife · 20/06/2011 00:23

I can't imagine why anyone would want to have coffee with this pair. Mean with money usually equates to all sorts of mean character traits.

perfumedlife · 20/06/2011 00:26

ConnorTraceptive your man has style! Smile

LeaveYourDignityAtTheDoor · 20/06/2011 01:07

OP YANBU.

I'm not keen on the idea of rounds as someone always gets the shitty end of the stick i.e. others ordering the more expensive drinks when its not their round. On nights out now our group now do a kitty, usually £20 a head, and someone is nominated to bar duty for the night.
Have found this to work better.

TheFarSide · 20/06/2011 01:31

On the cab sharing question, if two people (ie a couple) are going to the same address and the single person is going to another address, the couple might be thinking there are two addresses, not three, therefore the bill should be split between two rather than three.

cherrysodalover · 20/06/2011 01:50

Poor you mrs kravitz-they were out of order to be so mean...and to be honest I have known a lot of people- usually the guzzler drinkers who are so quick to point out of someone has not got a round. I rarely drink so would have a coke and then spend 25 quid on the round. I only did that once and now stay out of rounds.It is a bit of an embarassing British thing that just allows everyone to justify drinking more so they get their round back.It is not one of our greatest national characteristics so sorry you had such a horrid induction.

As for this couple- it is deliberate and I would lose respect for friends like that and think about phasing them out.Very mean.Very deliberate.
You are not being petty at all.

5DollarShake · 20/06/2011 04:16

It's definitely deliberate - no way it's not. Once or twice; fine - but every single time?

And how funny that the one time you're 15 minutes early, whaddaya know? They're arriving at the same time to get the first coffees in, ensuring their second cup (each) is free. Hmm

Next time, you need to just go straight to the bar and buy only yourself a coffee. I know it might feel really uncomfortable and go against your nature not to offer them one - but what they're doing is much, much worse, and you don't see them feeling uncomfortable, right?

Honestly - these tight fuckers - they think they're bloody James Bond with how they're pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, getting free drinks every time they go out. They're fooling no-one!!! People notice this, even if they're too polite to say anything.

sausagerollmodel · 20/06/2011 07:02

YANBU.Justbuyyourself one drink, then say you've got to dash. Meanies!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 20/06/2011 07:12

The awkward moment you describe tells me that they were expecting you to buy coffee and were waiting for you to do it. When the coffee wasn't forthcoming, they didn't know what was going on!

You need to not buy coffee on a regular basis!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/06/2011 07:24

Op..YANBU.

Expecting a couple to pay 2/3 of a taxi fare and feeling really aggrieved about it is pretty tight in itself IMO

cherrysodalover · 20/06/2011 07:34

Fanjo-of course a couple should pay two thirds- what universe do you live in? Three people split it three ways??It is not tight at all to expect that so leave the poster alone- unless you are one of the taxi spongers the attack is directed at!!What is tight about wanting to simply pay your fair share and not sub a couple's night out?

sausagesandmarmelade · 20/06/2011 07:36

You did well...

You are learning!!! Well done!

diddl · 20/06/2011 07:41

TBH, if they were already sitting with their coffees, I´d just get my own & join them.

Wouldn´t occur to me to get them another.

BranchingOut · 20/06/2011 07:46

Coffee issue - YANBU OP. Love your style in handling it! 'THe tumbleweed moment' :)

Rounds issue (MrsKravitz) - I agree that the rounds tradition can be a bit off putting to someone not familiar with this way of organising things. It generally only works when a small group of people arrive at the same time, drink very similar drinks and leave together. As soon as one person is ordering soft drinks and another starts having 'chasers', then it is doomed to leave someone feeling miffed. My parents were not pub goers, were rather anti-alcohol in fact and I had never had any introduction to this tradition before being plunged into it at university, so it has never really sat that comfortably with me either.

Cabs issue - YAB-a bit-U - cab usage is judged by distance (and time?), so if you go share a cab to two close-together addresses then it should be divided equally. However, the couple should have put in a bit more in order to reflect that they were getting more benefit from the arrangement.

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