To have not bought my friends a coffee?

[ConnorTraceptive]

I meet up with my friend and her dp once a month for a coffee and catch up. Every single time we meet, I arrive on time, to find they have got there 15 minutes earlier and are half way through their first cup of coffee. Fair enough.

Usually I say a quick hello, get the dc's sat down and go up to get my coffee and ALWAYS ask them if they would like another which they always do. Again fair enough no objections to buying coffees BUT because they've then had two coffees they don't want a third and never return the offer to get me a second cup.

If this was a one off or occassional occurence it wouldn't bother me but it is everytime so today I decided to arrive 15 minutes early and thought I would get myself a drink and see how it panned out. However by arriving early it turned out we all got there at the same time.

So we found a table, everyone sat down and there was a lengthy tumbleweed moment whilst we sat there with noone making the first move to go order coffee. It was really painfull and I nearly cracked but eventually my friends dp got up and said "shall I go up then? Do you want one?"

I decided not to offer to buy another round of coffees after we finished the first, just wrapped the conversation up and said our goodbyes.

I went completely against my nature not to offer to get the first round and definately made me uncomfortable not to reciprocate but I kinda feel that they are not playing nicely either.

AIBU (i know this is a pathetic concern in the grand scheme of life but it is taking my mind off more stressfull worries!)

I have this all the time,a close friend is a bit tight.When we are all going out we meet at mine for drinks and everyone brings their own,i provide mixers and nibbles.Most people bring a half bottle of smirnoff but this friend brings a measly quarter bottle of cheap vodka drinks it and then nicks ours.After yrs of this one day we wll went inot the garden and so i got glasses and gave everyone a glass plus their own bottles saying "thats yours" tight wad then said "oh i thought we'd just chip it in" I said "yeah i bet you did,we,ve all got more and its smirnoff!" she blushed and drank her own. Same friend also smokes socially like all of us,we all buy 10 cigs and she will rock up with 2,last time i was off to the shops so i suggested id get her some more as she'd need more than 2,she was

Cherrysodalover- the posting politely universe, unlike some

Cherrysodalover..I'd probably pay the whole taxi.

But who do you think you are to say I must 'leave the poster alone' and am not entitled to my opinion?

Talk about uppity

Clearly I have hit a nerve and you are somewhat stingy in your taxi habits

I HATE buying rounds for people. Everyone should buy their own imo. At a bar there is always one who asks for an expensive cocktail. I even hate it when others offer to buy me a drink; unless it's a fit bloke that is!

YADNBU, OP, I think you handled it brilliantly. But I can see, the next time you meet, they'll try and turn up even earlier. Agree with the suggestions that you just get your own coffee from here on in.

Mrs Kravitz. I think your friends were really mean to you. Obviously they knew you aren't from the UK, so they should have kindly explained how the 'rounds culture' works rather than being nasty to you.

Our group of friends have dropped buying big rounds. We either just buy our own drinks individually, or maybe a couple will stick to themselves, or a couple of mates will buy drink-for-drink with each other. It's not just the type of drink, say, half a cider versus a double G&T, it's also the speed at which people drink - some people can down a pint in 15 minutes, whereas someone else takes half an hour to drink a small glass of wine, so, in a 'round' you can end up drinking (or buying) at the speed of the fastest drinker.

My funniest story (well, I laugh about it now) was, a few years ago, when it was my round I'd taken everyone's 'order', was just about to get up from my seat and go to the bar when one of the group, who hadn't been very well but had recently recovered, and who had asked for a pint of beer, said to me "give me the money, Fru, and I'll go to the bar for you - I need the exercise". So I thanked him and handed over a £20 note. He came back and forth with everyone's drinks and finally sat down with his own drink, which had miraculously turned from a pint of beer into a double G&T (I know it was a double, as that's also what he used to drink). As he handed me a tiny amount of change he said "I hope you don't mind, I decided I didn't want the beer after all".

This is all such a minefield..he just changed his mind about his drink, but yet it is seen as really grasping and still talked about years later, I don't understand this mentality, if a friend of mine did that I wouldn't think anything of it.

I hate the whole couple-treated-as-unit in a round situation, it seems to imply the little woman shouldn't be putting her hand in her own pocket as it's not really her money anyway, I find it really patronising!

I sort of disagree on the taxi situation - where does it end - if it's two couples, one of whom has a baby, does the couple with baby pay 3/5th of the fare because of the baby

Having said I tend to luck out on rounds as I don't drink alcohol and a tea or coffee tends to be a lot cheaper than a glass of wine.

Fanjo, not flaming you at all, and the fact he changed his mind wasn't a problem. But, the point I was trying to make is that there's a big difference between the price of a bog standard pint of beer and a double G&T (the large G&T probably costs twice the price of a pint, if not more). I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if he'd asked for a large G&T in the first place, it was the sneaky way he did it.

And I agree, it is a minefield. That sort of thing is one of the reasons why our group of friends have stopped with the 'round culture'.

Yanbu, you caught them out, think I would avoid in future, sounds like they're really not friends at all.

With the taxi thing, if it is going to two addresses, then the fare should be split in two. It is not costing the single person any more than if they were sharing a taxi with only one other person, therefore the single person is not paying for the couple, they are only paying what they would pay if they were sharing with another single friend.

My Dh and I share our money completely, so there is no mine and his, it is just ours. We would buy an extra round in a pub, to cover the extra drink that each other person in the round would have to pay, but I think the taxi situation is different.

If you only have one income coming into your family, then you do tend to think of yourselves as 'one'.

I started a thread once, asking what people would consider right when you buy a present as a group and share the cost. Do people think the couple should pay 2 shares (if they have one income between them, not two) or do you consider them a unit and think they should only pay one share?

YANBU.

My friends don't do usually rounds as such as we're not big drinkers, but will offer to get someone else stuff if we go to the bar, and it all works out as none of us are tight bastards.

My ex, though, was really tight - because I was a fool I always ended up paying and getting rounds in, and one time after we'd split up I saw him our socially with his new girl and our mutual friends - everyone but him and his girl had gone to the bar, so there was a bit of a silence then he turns to me and says, 'can you get the next round in LRD, I think it's your turn'.

I swear, he was surprised by the roar of laughter. Turned out the cheap git hadn't even brought cash with him and we shamed him into going to the cash point for it.

Also with the cab thing, it might be the single person who benefits, if the single person lives further away than the couple.

Both are paying less than they would if they travelled separately, guess it just comes down to whether you view a couple as a 'unit' or not

drinks - I'm a saddo that let's my DH get the rounds HOWEVER I often 'miss' rounds as I drink slower and less than they do. So it works out pretty equal.

cabs - we're usually too merry to calculate down to the last penny however it usually ends up being 50-50 with another couple or if we're dropping someone off first whatever they hand over is fine and up to them.

No of course not wmmc - adults should split the bill between them. If I share a cab with a friend and our kids, we split it between us. And I meant the bill as far as the couple's house - I always paid the extra to go on to a further address (I'm talking about black cabs here where it's metered).

Couples aren't units karmabeliever. They might be to themselves but they shouldn't be to their friends. And cabbies charge extra depending on the number of people I believe.

Anyway, this is all entirely a moot point as I don't live in London any more and never go out in the evenings :o

I don't live in London either, so was basing my cab thing on the dodgy ones you get when you live in the arse end of nowhere and want someone to drive you home at 2 in the morning .

If cabs charge for number of people, then agree that a couple should pay extra.

This is a minefield. Think I will walk home in future

If they were real friends then by now they would have said something like "you are always buying, let us get this round...". Keep on doing what you are doing.

Dont live in london so taxis here don't charge by number of passengers either

OP YANBU at all, your friends are being very mean about it all. I would stick to buying your own from now on

About the taxi thing. Me and DH don't share finances. He was stung big time in the past, so I don't blame him. Anyway, on a night out, I'll pay taxi fares there and back, and he'll buy all drinks while out. It usually works out about level for us. So getting a taxi home, if we share it with someone else, then I'll pay half and so will the sharee. DH will have been spending all night and I won't. Our friends understand that is how we work though, so there is no problem with splitting it 3 ways or not

MrsKravitz I had a different take on why your friends might have been miffed with you... You say you are a tiny little girl, did you consider yourself too tiny to battle your way to the bar?

I only ask as my DBs GF was like this when we all used to go out for drinks [she is now his wife]. She was very petite and cute and DB loved playing the big man with her, so he would always go to the bar for her. Problem was on the rare occasions she decided to contribute to the bar bills she would pass her money on to me to do her round for her as she didn't consider it her role to wrestle her way to the bar and wait in line and carry everyone's orders back. But I was considered "competent" enough to do so Drove me nuts!

I think that's part of the problem with round avoiders, not only do they save money, they also don't have to have the inconvenience of queueing, remembering everyone's orders and trying to bring them back to the table without spilling them, all the while missing the conversation at the table!

YANBU & I totally agree with Omigwd
Well done you OP and if you really want to continue meeting up (which I could understand until better friends come along) then do as someone earlier said and make a point of waving and going over only when you have your coffee. I bet you loads if you raise this point they would make out like you were being petty and it never crossed their minds etc.

I don't have a general problem with rounds even if I'm not drinking alchohol as I generally think with good friends these things even themselves out. I don't even really even care about the fact I'm buying for two of them.

They do have some interesting qualities between them but I don't want to stealth and didn't include them in the OP as I wanted to see how people viewed this as a stand alone situation. Glad that I generally don't seem to be unreasonable and petty about this.

I think I'm used to give and take in most of my friendships. One of my friends doesn't drive so I always do and she always pays for parking. I don't expect it and I appreciate the the gesture. No idea if it works out financially equal and I don't really care it just the sense of not being taken for granted IYSWIM

Like your style OP! And LOVE your DH's style!!

The worst is when you go out for dinner or something and your pg. I remember going to a group 'Parents drinks' with my DH and other mums and dads from our DS's class at school.

I was pg and not drinking and then we were going home to have dinner with my sister who was coming round. I had a glass of sparkling water and my DH had 2 beers. They ordered 'nibbles' for everyone but we didn't have any as we were eating at home.

When we were leaving the lady who organised it all said not to worry, she was going to pay and then tell everyone what they owed. The next day I got an email saying we owed £58....