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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not bought my friends a coffee?

147 replies

ConnorTraceptive · 19/06/2011 20:39

I meet up with my friend and her dp once a month for a coffee and catch up. Every single time we meet, I arrive on time, to find they have got there 15 minutes earlier and are half way through their first cup of coffee. Fair enough.

Usually I say a quick hello, get the dc's sat down and go up to get my coffee and ALWAYS ask them if they would like another which they always do. Again fair enough no objections to buying coffees BUT because they've then had two coffees they don't want a third and never return the offer to get me a second cup.

If this was a one off or occassional occurence it wouldn't bother me but it is everytime so today I decided to arrive 15 minutes early and thought I would get myself a drink and see how it panned out. However by arriving early it turned out we all got there at the same time.

So we found a table, everyone sat down and there was a lengthy tumbleweed moment whilst we sat there with noone making the first move to go order coffee. It was really painfull and I nearly cracked but eventually my friends dp got up and said "shall I go up then? Do you want one?"

I decided not to offer to buy another round of coffees after we finished the first, just wrapped the conversation up and said our goodbyes.

I went completely against my nature not to offer to get the first round and definately made me uncomfortable not to reciprocate but I kinda feel that they are not playing nicely either.

AIBU (i know this is a pathetic concern in the grand scheme of life but it is taking my mind off more stressfull worries!)

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 20/06/2011 21:14

A couple do not 'lose out' by sharing a cab with a third person - they pay 2/3 of the fare rather than 3/3 if the third person wasn't there.

WTF is up with couple logic???

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2011 21:30

But the single person is not subsidising the couple because she/he is only paying half the fare too, instead of the whole fare they would pay if travelling alone.

Assuming that the taxi doesn't charge per number of people, then it is only going to two addresses. The couple live at the same address so are not increasing the journey time/cost because there are two of them, therefore it makes sense to split it 50/50. Everyone reduces their overall fare.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2011 21:32

That was a long winded way of saying you split the fare according to number of addresses, rather than number of people.

Ray81 · 20/06/2011 21:44

OP YANBU.

Re the Taxi thing i think it should be split 50/50. If it were just the couple together then they would pay the same to their own address then if there was just one of them. The fare does not increase due to number of people but distance covered. i have friends that live round the corner from me and insist we pay up to where we live and then they will pay the rest but then they are getting most of the journey for free iyswim.

BranchingOut · 20/06/2011 21:58

Sharing a black cab with another person:

Advantages: you get home quicker, safer, warmer, drier and far more comfortably than on the tube.

Disadvantages: you have to make polite conversation, you can't gossip between yourselves (if you are a couple), you have a bit less space than if you were in the cab by yourself and one of you might have to sit on the funny rear-facing seats. Plus you might be irritated by unfair bill sharing.

Then again, there is always the night bus!

fearnelinen · 20/06/2011 22:40

Cabs should be split by address IMO.

SpottyFrock · 21/06/2011 10:14

But Christine, you're paying half because you're going to half the destination. A taxi is not like a meal or a round. As I said earlier, if you bought 2 meals and you had one and they shared the other would you still expect them to pay two thirds of the bill? By splitting the taxi fare in half you are not subsidising the couple, you're paying half of what it costs to go to 2 places.

If we went out for a group meal and both ate I would never dream of saying we should just pay for one meal as we just have one pot of money which one of us pays into (this was the case for about 6yrs!) If 3 of us have eaten it gets split 3 ways, likewise if the taxi is going to 2 destinations, it gets split 2 ways. You are not losing out as the taxi would be the same if 2 of you were going to the same 2 destinations.

PigletJohn · 21/06/2011 10:46

Another opinion:

If you had three people going out in a taxi, and none of them were in a couple, you would split the bill three ways, even if two of them lived down the same street. Who can explain to me why they thinkthat two people who are a couple pay £5 each, and the single person pays £10?

ZacharyQuack · 21/06/2011 10:49

Two flatmates and a neighbour share a taxi. One destination, no one's coupled up. Split the bill 2 ways or 3?

MumblingRagDoll · 21/06/2011 10:51

Because the couple are a unit who split everything....I have to say though that if DH and I were sharing with a single friend and the bill was going to be 15 pounds...then we would probably say "Here's a tenner"...we just would.

G1nger · 21/06/2011 10:53

Well done, OP.

I had a similar thing when my partner's aunt last came to town. Having observed her on many occasions 'take a phone call' as the bill arrived (meaning that my FIL always paid - which was before we managed to get him to accept that we'd also play our parts, as the 'children'), whilst always having insisted in treating herself to things via other people, I decided I'd had enough. We went to a restaurant where we were all seated but had to order at the counter, and she just sat there - as if she was glued to her seat! I won the stand-off and she went up for her own whilst I went up for mine. She clearly didn't think I'd do it in front of my best friends, but she wasn't banking on how close we are :) I had a good laugh with them about it afterwards!

Meeting up in another city more recently, and we - the 'children' - had managed to promote a 'go Dutch' agenda with the FIL/MIL, but she tried to get out of it again. Everyone paid up but her. Then coincidentally, my SIL wanted to borrow some money to go out that night and we had all the cash: so I observed at normal volume that I'd lend it to her as we had everyone's cash from the meal. The aunt paid up soon afterwards. She no longer needed prompting when BIL bought the next meal, but gave her cash :)

The damage is done though. The woman's unbearable.

thegruffalosma · 21/06/2011 10:53

The couples one is difficult. If it was a couple of friends in a shared house getting out first then you would expect them to pay 2/3. Couples are seen to be one unit by some though - even though they may have separate finances.
If me and DH shared a cab with someone who was going on elsewhere I would probably just give them what was on the metre when we arrived at our house and see if they gave us a few quid back - if not it wouldn't be the end of the world as we'd be paying that if we go the cab alone anyway.

DizzyKipper · 21/06/2011 11:02

It sounds like you're just naturally a more generous person than they are. That tumbleweed moment does sound unpleasant, and the fact that they were intentionally trying to avoid having to pay for the coffees after all the time you've bought them one would really annoy me. You're definitely not being unreasonable. Just buy your own coffee in future.

sarahbarah · 22/06/2011 12:55

i suppose this sounds mean on my part but i remember being peeved off when pregnant, used to go out with 2 good friends and split meal and drinks 3 ways, lots of wine consumed usually, but when pregnant the bill was still split 3 ways , tho i was on water , i never had the confidence to say it outright i just ended up avoiding going out, on second pregnancy i did actually suggest dividing the drinks bill, neither were that impressed i think at the time, but have since admitted it never crossed their mind i would mind, i still feel they think i was being mean.

MumblingRagDoll · 22/06/2011 12:57

It's just rude to make people pay for your alcohol when they're not drinking...my friend always said "But Mumbling only has water!" which I loved him for when I was a poor student.

IJustWannaBeMe · 10/12/2011 09:03

I'd love to hear an update on this thread - what happened in the subsequent meet-ups?

Flisspaps · 10/12/2011 09:31

I read the OP and thought 'this sounds just like a thread from a while ago...'
then saw the final post and checked the date...

IJustWannaBeMe hope you're prepared for many more replies to the OP and no update Wink

IJustWannaBeMe · 10/12/2011 21:06

Well, if it helps a few people to remember to check the posting dates before replying....
thanks for the bump, more likely to reach the op, huh? Haven't searched her to see if she's still around though.

scarletforya · 10/12/2011 22:01

A taxi charges PER EVERY ARSE ON THE SEAT and then ALSO by distance travelled. I can't believe people don't know this.

(They also charge for every piece of luggage for those that don't know)

Therefore each person needs to pay their own way regardless of the address/destination and also allow for it being more expensive at night/weekends amd bank holidays.

Any couple parasiting off a single person by going halves is TIGHT

scarletforya · 10/12/2011 22:02

GAH Zombie thread! Blush

antlerqueen · 11/12/2011 00:28

Just noticed the zombieness of the thread also. However as i'd just written up a long reply about the taxi fares, i'm just going to leave it here anyway :D

the taxi thing. (because i'm weird like that..)

if people A, B (the couple) and C are going to 2 different locations (X and Y).
Let's say the locations are not too far apart so the cost of getting from the starting point to location X would be roughly the same as from X to Y.

There are two options:

  1. A and B get off at X, C continues to ride to get off at Y.

so A, B and C all ride the first part (X) of the taxi ride, and C also rides the second part (Y), meaning the equal share would be:
A would pay for 1/3of the X journey
B would pay for 1/3of the X journey
C would pay for 1/3of the X journey plus 3/3 of the Y journey.
If the cost of the two legs of the journey are the same, then

A and B combined should pay 2/3 to C's 4/3, which comes down to exactly 50%.

  1. C gets off at X, A and B continue the ride to get off at Y

In which case A, B and C all ride the first part and A and B also the second part of the journey.

So C's share would be
1/3 of the X journey
A's share is 1/3 of the X journey plus 1/2 of the Y journey
B's share is 1/3 of the X journey plus 1/2 of the Y journey.

A and B's share combined would then be 1,67 to C's 1/3, which comes down to 80% to C's 20%.

(Disclaimer: where i live the taxi doesn't charge by person; and there are also journey's starting costs to take into account)

I'd just say to hell with it and pay half.

mebythesea · 11/12/2011 12:31

Not unreasonable at all well done for holding your. Ground! Im afraid my sister is like that, she often conveniently forgets her wallet when we've gone to the pub or out for lunch etc. She is often the one to suggest going somewhere, then orders really expensive food/ cocktails then waits for somone else to pick up the
tab. She isnt short of £ either- has the easy life of a double trustafarian, she has one and so does bil. Neither work and both thin money grows on trees...or in other peoples pockets. You can prob tell this has been a bone of contention for some time!

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