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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school at four years old?

247 replies

mightybright · 19/06/2011 19:17

SIL works for the MOD and BIL is in the navy. We were at their house on the military base today and she told me that her neighbour has put her 4 year old daughter into boarding school. I said 'four, that's young' and SIL completely freaked out then stormed away from the table.

I'm not judging their neighbour, I don't even know her, I just said it was young which perhaps in hindsight was insensitive but I do feel she overreacted, aibu?

OP posts:
Fairycakewithsprinkles · 20/06/2011 22:42

MIGHTYBRIGHT - Why did your SIL go off on one at you?

wineandroses · 20/06/2011 22:58

My DH was sent to boarding school at a young age. His sisters weren't. He recalls (confirmed by his parents) that he was viewed as "somewhat argumentative" and generally disrupted the household; annoying his sisters. He tells me that he was very happy at school, with lots of friends and subjects he enjoyed, though he recalls other young boys who "cried a lot and were a bit bullied by older boys; they weren't really suited". Apparently his parents took great care to select a school that he would be suited to. His parents also moved house twice whilst he boarded, without telling him; they simply collected him at the holidays and took him to the new house, where he found a box of his stuff in a bedroom. He went straight on to university and never returned home, because, after all, from the age of 7, "he didn't really have one". He told me a tale of rugby, concussion, broken bones and hospital, none of which involved his parents; the school took care of everything. I asked him - who gave you huggles and kisses when you hurt - matron gave him pats on the head and told him he was a brave boy. Small sob from me. My child would board over my cold dead body.

TheBride · 21/06/2011 00:46

how tragically sad, if children have parents who feel that the best thing for them, is not to actually share their parent's lives. And, to not have parents prepared to sacrifice pretty much everything to ensure that they can share their lives with their children.

Yes, how deeply, deeply tragic. It's right up there in my Top 10 tragedies with the Rwandan massacre and the Holocaust.

goinggetstough · 21/06/2011 06:52

thebride ???????
Obviously you have every right to disagree with boarding schools but your above comment is rather extreme and insulting to compare it to the above tragedies.

acatcalledbob · 21/06/2011 07:04

My two year old needs to go to boarding school. Today. Where do I sign? Grin

meditrina · 21/06/2011 07:04

goinggetstough: this subject does seem to bring out strong views.

Words like "tragedy" and "sacrifice" are emotive in the first place. I wouldn't post as TheBride did, but questioning what those words really mean is OK. To me, and in a family context, it would mean deaths, catastrophic accidents or diagnoses or the impact of major criminality. A mainstream educational choice for your children is just not in that league.

I can well see why some would never contemplate boarding, or others have differing views on when/why/how it might become a consideration.

But the smug sweeping judgementalism does not illuminate the debate.

goinggetstough · 21/06/2011 07:06

Exactly meditrina

manicinsomniac · 21/06/2011 07:34

I'm fairly sure TheBride was being sarcastic and making fun of the choice of phrase 'tragically sad'!

Nancy66 · 21/06/2011 07:48

it is far too young. You'd have to be a pretty shit parent to think otherwise

goinggetstough · 21/06/2011 11:00

Apologies to the bride if that was the case!

Scheherezadea · 21/06/2011 11:04

TBH my view of boarding schools is that it is simply foster care for the rich. Why bother having kids if you don't want to/can't look after them - might aswell just stick them up for adoption so they can grow up in an actual family, as boarding schools are just large orphanages anyway.

beautifulswan · 21/06/2011 11:10

Of coursr thebride is being sarcastic! Jeez!

beautifulswan · 21/06/2011 11:13

Do you feel the same about working mums using childminders Scheh? Where do you draw the line? Many boarders have a great time and maintain a good relationship with their parents. I was always sooo jealous of the boarders at my school!

TheBride · 21/06/2011 11:18

I was being sarcastic, don't worry.

The fact is, most people on this thread have never set foot in a modern BS, so are basing their opinions on anecdote from peers who probably left BS 15-20 yrs ago.

Yes, some children have a shit time at BS. Some children have had a shit time at any school I could care to mention, but that doesn't mean that it's the school in question is the wrong choice for all children.

I have mentioned the WOHM issue before, and been firmly advised that it's not total number of hours spent with your child per year that makes you super mummy but the number of hours between seeing your children. This must be no more than X, X being the number of hours that the poster leaves her children for.

meditrina · 21/06/2011 11:20

I was going to leap back in to say that forces families are different, as CEA means they do not have to be rich. But that doesn't exactly apply here, as the boarding started before the permitted age. The parent would have had to pay full fees herself - and I am left wondering why a live-in nanny wasn't a preferred solution for a child so young.

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 11:24

Awful awful awful.......boarding schools are horrid, nasty places.

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 11:25

And ALL of the baorders I know said they took a long time to really get to know their parents again.

TheBride · 21/06/2011 11:25

And you are how old now?

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 11:30

I am very familiar with many house parents of one of the largest private schools in the country, however you spin it boarding schools separate parents and their children, which means the relationship is very different from those that live at home.

pointissima · 21/06/2011 11:32

I think 4 is much too young generally; but there may be VERY exceptional circumstances in which sending a 4 year old to board would be the right thing to do.

Mine went at 8 and found it very hard to start with (as did I). He's now just 10 and home for a long weekend. Yesterday he said "Mummy, thank you for sending me to boarding school. I love it so much. I love being with my friends and I love the freedom and independence we have. X, Y and Z have asked their parents if they can board next term"

Scherezade: I would have loved to have had my only child at home to look after; but the right educational choice for him was his boarding school. He is home for half the year and we go to see him often. School supplements rather than replaces a family and for those with difficult family situations (divorces, illness etc.)it can provide a bit of a refuge

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/06/2011 11:33

Many (most?) private schools that take a mix of day pupils and boarders also offer ad hoc boarding which would be very useful if the OP's Sil's neighbour needs to work away from home sometimes and doesn't have anyone nearby to help.

Might this be what's actually happening?

TheBride · 21/06/2011 11:35

So does daycare for pre-schoolers. Dare you to post that on a SAHM vs WOHM "debate"

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 11:36

point.....What your child said is a bit Hmm don't you think? Why did you send him? I couldn't imagine being away from my child at 8/12 or whatever and I can't imagine a child feels anything other than rejected, no matter how you dress it up.

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 11:37

TheBride..... Weeks on end is hardly the same as parents who have to work and put their kids in daycare or not pay the mortgage.

TheBride · 21/06/2011 11:39

Crapola- a few generations ago, people left school and went to work at 14- around the same age the majority of children start boarding. Just because we infantalise teenagers these days doesn't make us superior parents- often it just means we've sacrificed all to the cause and darent give them up because what would we have left?